Gingersnap
03-31-2009, 11:56 AM
It's your call, kid
According to the growing consensual living movement, parents and children have equal say in family life - even at bedtime, Adriana Barton reports
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
March 31, 2009 at 4:53 AM EDT
VANCOUVER — One morning last September, Melanie Leavey's six-year-old daughter, Savannah, insisted on wearing a Halloween cat costume instead of normal clothes. She wore it all day long, and the next too. Eventually, she agreed to take off the costume so it could be washed, but the minute it was laundered, she pulled it on again. Weeks passed, then months. It wasn't until February, almost six months later, that Savannah finally decided to put the cat costume to rest.
But at no point did her mother try to make Savannah stop wearing it, says Ms. Leavey, who lives in Burlington, Ont., with her husband Brandt, Savannah and Sebastian, age 4.
Getting Savannah dressed in the morning had long been a battle. "I tried all the mainstream parenting guru advice, but nothing worked," she says.
So, Ms. Leavey began to practise consensual living, a set of principles designed to help family members understand each other's feelings and meet one another's needs.
(snip)
In the consensual living model, father doesn't know best. Neither does mom. Instead, parents and children are equal partners in family life, according to the principles laid out at consensual-living.com.
Founded in 2006 by a group of families in North Carolina, consensual living is gaining ground in alternative parenting communities and online, including a Yahoo group with about 900 members.
Devotees study books such as Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, and they consider parenting based on punishment and reward structures to be "coercive."
In contrast, "consensual" parenting is non-hierarchical.
"When parents put themselves in the role as authorities, they may believe they are doing it 'for the child's good,' " writes one of the movement's co-founders, Anna Brown, "but they could be missing an opportunity to have more connected relationships with their children."
Lindsay Hollett of Nanaimo, B.C., says that she began to snap less with her husband, Craig, and her 18-month-old daughter, Kahlan, after she adopted the consensual-living mindset about a year ago.
Her days became more relaxed when she focused more on Kahlan's needs, she says. If she had a doctor's appointment but her daughter was feeling grumpy, for example, Ms. Hollett would not force Kahlan to wait with her to see the doctor. Instead, Ms. Hollett might cancel the appointment or arrange alternative child care, she says.
(snip)
Consensual living 101
CORE PRINCIPLES
Everyone's wants and needs are equally valid, regardless of age.
Children can be trusted to know their own minds and bodies.
Punishments and rewards are tools of manipulation, unneeded when family members work as a team.
There is a creative solution that works for everyone.
Each family member has a positive intent and desires harmony.
When all are secure that their needs will be met, they will branch out and help others meet their needs.
TECHINQUES
In a conflict, identify the underlying needs - usually there are several ways they can be met.
Pay attention to the underlying needs in someone who is hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). Sometimes addressing biological needs helps get everyone back on track.
Otherwise, explore underlying needs through validation ("You're feeling sad that we're about to leave the toy store, aren't you?") and clarification ("What I hear you saying is that you want more time to look at the marbles, right?").
Once others feel heard, revert to "I" statements to express your own needs ("I want to head home so there's enough time to make dinner before everyone gets really hungry").
Think outside the box with other family members, including children, to come up with a solution for each situation.
If my folks had adopted this plan with me, I would currently be living in a tipi and shooting tourists in the Medicine Bow National Forest. Most of the valuable things I learned as a child were not necessarily things I enjoyed or found personally interesting.
Globe and Mail (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090331.wlconsensual31art1835/BNStory/lifeFamily/home)
According to the growing consensual living movement, parents and children have equal say in family life - even at bedtime, Adriana Barton reports
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
March 31, 2009 at 4:53 AM EDT
VANCOUVER — One morning last September, Melanie Leavey's six-year-old daughter, Savannah, insisted on wearing a Halloween cat costume instead of normal clothes. She wore it all day long, and the next too. Eventually, she agreed to take off the costume so it could be washed, but the minute it was laundered, she pulled it on again. Weeks passed, then months. It wasn't until February, almost six months later, that Savannah finally decided to put the cat costume to rest.
But at no point did her mother try to make Savannah stop wearing it, says Ms. Leavey, who lives in Burlington, Ont., with her husband Brandt, Savannah and Sebastian, age 4.
Getting Savannah dressed in the morning had long been a battle. "I tried all the mainstream parenting guru advice, but nothing worked," she says.
So, Ms. Leavey began to practise consensual living, a set of principles designed to help family members understand each other's feelings and meet one another's needs.
(snip)
In the consensual living model, father doesn't know best. Neither does mom. Instead, parents and children are equal partners in family life, according to the principles laid out at consensual-living.com.
Founded in 2006 by a group of families in North Carolina, consensual living is gaining ground in alternative parenting communities and online, including a Yahoo group with about 900 members.
Devotees study books such as Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, and they consider parenting based on punishment and reward structures to be "coercive."
In contrast, "consensual" parenting is non-hierarchical.
"When parents put themselves in the role as authorities, they may believe they are doing it 'for the child's good,' " writes one of the movement's co-founders, Anna Brown, "but they could be missing an opportunity to have more connected relationships with their children."
Lindsay Hollett of Nanaimo, B.C., says that she began to snap less with her husband, Craig, and her 18-month-old daughter, Kahlan, after she adopted the consensual-living mindset about a year ago.
Her days became more relaxed when she focused more on Kahlan's needs, she says. If she had a doctor's appointment but her daughter was feeling grumpy, for example, Ms. Hollett would not force Kahlan to wait with her to see the doctor. Instead, Ms. Hollett might cancel the appointment or arrange alternative child care, she says.
(snip)
Consensual living 101
CORE PRINCIPLES
Everyone's wants and needs are equally valid, regardless of age.
Children can be trusted to know their own minds and bodies.
Punishments and rewards are tools of manipulation, unneeded when family members work as a team.
There is a creative solution that works for everyone.
Each family member has a positive intent and desires harmony.
When all are secure that their needs will be met, they will branch out and help others meet their needs.
TECHINQUES
In a conflict, identify the underlying needs - usually there are several ways they can be met.
Pay attention to the underlying needs in someone who is hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). Sometimes addressing biological needs helps get everyone back on track.
Otherwise, explore underlying needs through validation ("You're feeling sad that we're about to leave the toy store, aren't you?") and clarification ("What I hear you saying is that you want more time to look at the marbles, right?").
Once others feel heard, revert to "I" statements to express your own needs ("I want to head home so there's enough time to make dinner before everyone gets really hungry").
Think outside the box with other family members, including children, to come up with a solution for each situation.
If my folks had adopted this plan with me, I would currently be living in a tipi and shooting tourists in the Medicine Bow National Forest. Most of the valuable things I learned as a child were not necessarily things I enjoyed or found personally interesting.
Globe and Mail (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090331.wlconsensual31art1835/BNStory/lifeFamily/home)