View Full Version : ACORN can teach the GOP a thing or 2

09-23-2009, 09:20 AM
Once again, those Republicans have got it all wrong, this time on the ACORN thing.

They're beating up those gentle, community-organizing ACORNistas, moving to cut millions in ACORN federal funding just because of a dozen or so underage, fictitious Central American hookers.

So I called a leading hunter of the ACORNistas, Rep. Darrell Issa, R-Calif., who has been criticizing ACORN on TV.

My God, man! Do you realize what you've done?

"What?" asked Issa. "Pardon me?"

Rather than waste a valuable national resource, you should hire ACORN immediately! Let them teach all Americans the secrets of government loopholes so middle-class taxpayers can level the playing field and be treated as fairly as a bunch of hypothetical Ecuadorean -- or was that Salvadoran? -- prostitutes.

It's like those stories of teenage computer hackers breaking into the Defense Department mainframe. Instead of jailing them, we pay them to work out of a super-cool underground bunker, drinking cases of Mountain Dew as they keep us safe from Chinese cyber attacks.

But instead of learning from ACORN, the Republicans are trying to take away its money.

This is a Darwinian moment. Think of Neanderthals refusing to make tools while Cro-Magnons manufactured everything from nose hair removers to prehistoric Sham-Wows. The Cro-Magnons ruled.

"I understand your problem, but we're simple thinkers in Washington," Issa said. "We're just on the money/no money phase. And most of us, after seeing what ACORN did, are thinking no money."

For those of you not following this story, the ACORN drama has finally become big news. I'm free to cover it, after being given the OK by the Federal Ministry of Information.

Two young conservative activists, one posing as a hooker and the other as her pimp, made up a wild story for their expose. They secretly videoed ACORN officials giving them advice on how to obtain child tax credits for underage immigrant escorts, and other ways to make government work.

The "pimp" -- who told ACORN bosses in Baltimore that he was going to law school -- said he planned to use the hookers' sweat equity as seed money for a congressional campaign. Crafty ACORN officials cautioned him to keep a low profile around his female flesh posse and create a paper trail to go legit.

"You have to have a name and a (tax) code number," an ACORN official said.

"A code for prostitution?" asked the "pimp."

Flipping through her tax code cheat-sheet, the ACORN official decided the nonexistent underage hookers should probably just call themselves "artists" for tax purposes.

"Performance artists," she said, tragically unaware that she'd just cut in on the National Endowment for the Arts' territory.

Republicans shrieked because more than $50 million of tax money has gone to ACORN. So 88 senators, Republicans and Democrats, voted to cut ACORN from the government teat. But Illinois Democratic Sens. Richard Durbin and Tombstone Burris supported ACORN.

The Obama administration quickly severed ACORN from working on the national census. The whole thing has been a tremendous embarrassment for President Barack Obama, whose connection to ACORN goes back decades, to his early days as a community organizer in Chicago.