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View Full Version : Filthy Reviews 'Avatar' (Salty language Alert).



Gingersnap
12-22-2009, 01:45 PM
This week:
Avatar

Filthy says: "I heart Ferngully."

Epic sci-fi crap typically ain't my cup of tea. I get a lot of angry e-mails from people whose bottle of Mountain Dew it is. The notes are usually pretty threatening, as though me not liking something these people love is a matter of utmost importance. As though the fact some asshole with a web site doesn't care for what they do threatens the substance of their passion.

My nephew Jimmy is one of these people. He is spurred to action only when someone insults the shit he likes. Then, his first reaction is to insult whomever doesn't share his opinion. The kid knows his sci-fi shit, though, and he talks the fanboy language for whom Avatar is finally a reason to take a shower, pour on a bottle of Axe body spray, wear that homemade quilt sweater the Aunt gave them last Christmas and get out of the basement to go someplace other than Best Buy or Gameforce. I will be spending a lot of time with Jimmy over the next couple of weeks. Christmas is at his mother's, and I have to act like a nice guy if I want to be invited. I will because they spike the punch with grappa and always forget to lock the medicine cabinet. Two years ago I scored birth control pills that made me feel unbelievably pretty and a delicate for two months.

So, Jimmy joined me for a Friday-night showing of Avatar in 3-D. We didn't talk much, which was nice because he's a fucking dork, but we at least sat together (with an empty seat between us) so we didn't look like guys who go to movies alone on Friday nights. Now, Jimmy joins me in reviewing Avatar.

Filthy: Welcome, Jimmy. You're still wearing Aunt Filthy's sweater?
Jimmy: Maktu.
Filthy: What?
Jimmy: Maktu Mendo.
Filthy: What the hell is that?
Jimmy: I will explain this once and only once. I speak Na'vi, the language of the indigenous people in Avatar, out of respect for their ancient culture. Anything I have to say will only be heard by people who understand Na'vi. Nikto Filt'y.
Filthy: Well, that's going to make for a shitty review.
Jimmy: Benta.
Filthy: Okay, I'll get this started. Avatar is a major crapload.
Jimmy: Jik jik jik!
Filthy: It is! It looks great, like a truckload of diamonds for sure. But, good lord, the story is a trite, patronizing pile of Hollywood arrogance. The new agey theme and cornball dialog nearly drowns out any goodwill earned by the movie's fancy-ass creation of a fantastic new world.
Jimmy: Jik jik jik!
Filthy: Jimmy says he agrees with me.
Jimmy: Oen ontu teya lu
Filthy: Get your hands off me. Jesus, you smell like a gay brothel in a sweat sock. Avatar's plot is virtually identical to Ferngully, a shit-for-brains, message-heavy kids' cartoon about pixies who must stop loggers from destroying their rainforest. One human pretends to be a pixie and falls in love with the pixies and discovers how precious their world is. That is the plot of Avatar, except this new mega-production isn't handled as maturely as the kiddie movie, and it has a shitload more carnage.

Read the whole thing - it's actually a pretty analytical review. Also, really funny. :)

Big Empire (http://www.bigempire.com/filthy/)

hampshirebrit
12-22-2009, 02:37 PM
Great review. A bunch of us are planning to see this, probably in the after Christmas gap.

Forewarned is forearmed, they say. I've also seen some other less-than-flattering reports in the UK media. I'll be going for the SFX and PV and the 3D novelty value.

PoliCon
12-22-2009, 02:40 PM
Great review. A bunch of us are planning to see this, probably in the after Christmas gap.

Forewarned is forearmed, they say. I've also seen some other less-than-flattering reports in the UK media. I'll be going for the SFX and PV and the 3D novelty value.

I thought the movie was stunning - and the plot a bit preachy what really upset me was the greenie weenie who stood up during the credits with a bullhorn preaching about how we are destroying indigenous populations all over the world. And the theatre did NOTHING about it.:mad:

Rebel Yell
12-22-2009, 04:47 PM
I thought the movie was stunning - and the plot a bit preachy what really upset me was the greenie weenie who stood up during the credits with a bullhorn preaching about how we are destroying indigenous populations all over the world. And the theatre did NOTHING about it.:mad:

We don't have that problem here. That guy would have had his face caved in by someone who didn't pay $10.00 to listen to that shit.

PoliCon
12-22-2009, 06:07 PM
We don't have that problem here. That guy would have had his face caved in by someone who didn't pay $10.00 to listen to that shit.

He was down front - I was in the back - there was some shouting going on - and if the wife had not been with me I would have been one of the ones shouting - but I refuse to put her at risk.

FlaGator
12-22-2009, 07:14 PM
I thought the movie was stunning - and the plot a bit preachy what really upset me was the greenie weenie who stood up during the credits with a bullhorn preaching about how we are destroying indigenous populations all over the world. And the theatre did NOTHING about it.:mad:

They shoot people here for interrupting a movie like that.

Jumpy
12-22-2009, 07:22 PM
I'm figuring on seeing it.

Gingersnap
12-22-2009, 08:23 PM
I'm figuring on seeing it.

Meh. I'll wait. I've seen that story line about a 100 times and while I like good special effects, good effects alone aren't enough to capture my interest.

PoliCon
12-22-2009, 08:59 PM
They shoot people here for interrupting a movie like that.

it was during the CREDITS.

SarasotaRepub
12-22-2009, 09:00 PM
Meh. I'll wait. I've seen that story line about a 100 times and while I like good special effects, good effects alone aren't enough to capture my interest.

I've heard 2 reviews that say you make up your mind who you're "for" about 10 minutes into the movie. Story line is supposed to be weak but lets face it, this movie
is all about CGI.

PoliCon
12-22-2009, 09:23 PM
I've heard 2 reviews that say you make up your mind who you're "for" about 10 minutes into the movie. Story line is supposed to be weak but lets face it, this movie
is all about CGI.

and of course you're going to be FOR the aliens. Who wouldn't be? The Company guy was ready to steal from them and kill them to make money - the perfect caricature of a capitalist. :rolleyes: While of course the aliens were the romantic ideal of the noble savage . . . . :rolleyes::rolleyes:

Speedy
12-22-2009, 10:38 PM
it was during the CREDITS.

Doesn't matter. I don't go to movies to hear that shit. Even during the credits. I am half Mescalero Apache and have yet to romanticize any part of "my people's" plight. The Native Americans were conquered. Their tactics and technology were not enough to keep it from happening. They wanted to keep their land, they should have fought harder to keep it and if they just couldn't, too fucking bad.

If America gets invaded by the Chinese, Mexico, fucking Cylons, it really doesn't matter who and we can't defeat the invaders, then we deserve them as overlords. American Indians don't like how it is going for them? Too bad, it is the price of losing.

Gingersnap
12-22-2009, 11:22 PM
Doesn't matter. I don't go to movies to hear that shit. Even during the credits. I am half Mescalero Apache and have yet to romanticize any part of "my people's" plight. The Native Americans were conquered. Their tactics and technology were not enough to keep it from happening. They wanted to keep their land, they should have fought harder to keep it and if they just couldn't, too fucking bad.

If America gets invaded by the Chinese, Mexico, fucking Cylons, it really doesn't matter who and we can't defeat the invaders, then we deserve them as overlords. American Indians don't like how it is going for them? Too bad, it is the price of losing.

LOL! You're a member of VDare, aren't you? Several Native Americans on that site attribute their situation to a lack of tech. They feel the Mexicans are unworthy as enemies. They prefer to beat the White Man at his own game by going to college and learning how to turn Res land into lucrative gaming/natural resource sites.

Speedy
12-22-2009, 11:29 PM
LOL! You're a member of VDare, aren't you? Several Native Americans on that site attribute their situation to a lack of tech. They feel the Mexicans are unworthy as enemies. They prefer to beat the White Man at his own game by going to college and learning how to turn Res land into lucrative gaming/natural resource sites.

No, I don't care about the native American situation one way or another. They stay on reservations because they want to. I served with guys in the Army who never went back to the reservation once they got out. As far as Mexicans, we have gone to war with them more than once and spanked them each time.