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View Full Version : Crudezilla, King of All Spills (1954) Script



Odysseus
06-15-2010, 01:48 PM
From Iowahawk (http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2010/06/crudezilla.html). Enjoy.

Crudezilla, King of All Spills (1954)

In the dark, storm-tossed Sea of Japan, workers in helmets and jumpsuits wrestle a drilling rig on a lonely oil platform.

NARRATOR
This is the sea. Beneath its depths lies a fantastic secret world hidden to mankind for millions of centuries. And now, armed with the latest technology and rush drilling permits, mankind is about to awaken that world from its long slumber -- and unleash its oily fury.

WORKER #1 (saluting, bowing, throwing fist in air)
Most honored supervisor! Reporting drilling shaft ready. For the glory of Nippon Petroleum!

WORKER #2
Sir! Truly this shaft is one bad mother...

SUPERVISOR
Shut your mouth!

WORKER #2 (bowing profusely)
But honorable supervisor! I speak only of shaft!

SUPERVISOR
You men have performed honorably. Tonight there will be extra rations of sake and blowfish! And now as we lower the shaft, let us gather to sing the anthem of Nippon Petroleum Heavy Industries.

WORKERS (singing)
Nippon Petroleum, pride of Japanese nation
Forever we shall strive for greater lubrication.
With stalwart hearts we drill for shareholder good
'Til up from the depths comes the bubbling crude.
Black gold, Texas tea!

As the worker continue to sing, the spinning diamond-tipped shaft burrows ever lower into the watery depths. When it hits the ocean floor, a mysterious black oily flume is unleashed. Under the intense subsurface pressure the flume begins to coagulate into a hideous 500-foot tall monster -- Crudezilla has been awoken.

WORKERS
... quality friction reduction is our sacred motto... Whuh-uhhh?!?!

workers form terrified group hug

WORKER #3 (pointing)
Look! Arising from the surface... a terrible monster!

WORKER #4 (pointing)
Holy Shitake! Run for it!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Panic ensues as Crudezilla lumbers toward the platform, spewing a 1000-foot long stream of flame from its nostrils. Terrified workers are tossed like rag dolls into the sea when Crudezilla grabs the platform and thrashes it to and fro. A surviving worker crawls to the communication room and desperately radios Nippon Petroleum HQ.
WORKER #5
Headquarters! Come in, come in headquarters! Mayday! This is Miyagi Platform Station 2! I repeat - mayday!

RADIO OPERATOR #1
Come in Miyagi!
CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

RADIO OPERATOR #2
What is that noise, Miyagi? Is it a typhoon?

WORKER #5 (shielding eyes)
No! It... is... Crudezillaaaa! Aiiiieeeee!

Crudezilla topples the platform into the churning sea, and the radio goes dead. The two radio operators exchange terrified looks. Dissolve to the map room of Nippon Petroleum Heavy Industries, buzzing with worried executives.

YAMAMOTO (president of Nippon Petroleum)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Enough of this bickering! Let us focus our attention on stopping Crudezilla before it reaches the mainland!

NAKAMURA
But sir, our best engineers have been working on it around the clock. Everything we try only seems to make Crudezilla more powerful. This monster is invincible!

YAMAMOTO
Where is the creature now?

NAKAMURA
Sir, our radar planes place it 100 kilometers from the coast, bearing straight for Fukushima prefecture.

YAMAMOTO
Gentlemen, we must act now, or we all will be totally Fukushima-ed. Nakamura, bring me the finest engineering mind in all of Japan -- the one man who knows how to stop the rise of the oceans and make the earth heal itself.

NAKAMURA
You mean...

YAMAMOTO
Yes. Professor Obamasawa.

dissolve

NARRATOR
This is the teaching laboratory of Baraku Obamasawa, Japan's greatest living scientist. A world renowned expert with an advanced degree in social engineering from Hokkaido Law School, by the age of 23 he had already written 2 textbooks on the world's strangest phenomenon -- himself. His is a science so advanced that he has already earned a Nobel Prize for work he has yet to begin. Today, he is showing students his latest discovery.

OBAMASAWA
... now note as I apply a blowtorch to this pile of 10 million yen, it is converted to ash -- thereby creating jobs for these two janitors from the Nippon Custodian Union.

students applaud wildly

STUDENTS
Domo arigato, sensei! We are very honored to be your students. [giggle] You have given us hope and tingles up our kimonos!

OBAMASAWA
Thank you boys -- as a man of science, the honor is all mine. Ah, Mr. Yamamoto, Mr. Nakamura! To what do I owe this pleasure? Donating to to my research fund again?

YAMAMOTO
I am afraid not, professor. We come on a grave matter of the utmost urgency. May I speak to you privately?

OBAMASAWA
Most certainly, Mr. Yamamoto! It is the least I can do for my largest benefactor. Excuse me, students? Students, may I have your attention? Class dismissed -- but remember those haiku odes to me are due Monday! Now Yamamoto, what was this emergency you wanted to speak about?

YAMAMOTO
Professor, last evening one of our oil rigs unleashed a hideous gargantuan monster from beneath the sea. If it isn't stopped in the next 48 hours, it could destroy all of Japan.

OBAMASAWA
Mmm hmm. I see. Go on.

YAMAMOTO
And crush the stock price of Nippon Petroleum.

OBAMASAWA
And so, if I understand this, your point is...

YAMAMOTO
And no more contributions to your research fund.

OBAMASAWA
Oh my God. Mr. Yamamoto, this is indeed the greatest crisis we have ever faced. I will convene an emergency scientific study group and have my recommendations for you, after afternoon golf.

dissolve; back at Nippon Petroleum HQ

YAMAMOTO
Professor, thank you for coming. We are eager to hear your recommendations.

OBAMASAWA (in front of projected map)
Time is of the essence, gentlemen, so allow me to get straight to the point. Crudezilla is here. Japan is here. Crudezilla is moving like this, at a particular speed, toward Japan. So to prevent damage, you must first stop Crudezilla.

NAKAMURA
Yes.

OBAMASAWA
Exactly. Stop Crudezilla.

YAMAMOTO
Yes.

OBAMASAWA
Yes what?

NAKAMURA
Yes, we need to stop Crudezilla.

OBAMASAWA
Yep.

YAMAMOTO
But how?

OBAMASAWA
How what?

YAMAMOTO
How are we suppose to stop Crudezilla? Wasn't that what you were supposed to tell us?

OBAMASAWA
Look man, I'm a scientist, not some kinda nit-picky details freak. If you wanted that kind of stuff you should have been more specific. Geez, gimme a couple hours and I'll see if my research assistants can come up with a Plan B.

dissolve; Obamasawa and team on Fukushima beach. A bustling group of photographers and reporters tails Obamasawa as he studiously examines sea shells and washed-up kelp.

NAKAMURA
What the hell is he doing?

YAMAMOTO
Let the man do his work. This genius our only hope.

OBAMASAWA
Crisis averted, gentlemen. As you can see, Plan B came off without a hitch.

YAMAMOTO
Plan B?

OBAMASAWA
Do you remember when the twin wind monsters Katrina and Midea destroyed General Bushido? Science shows that to avoid panic, the public must see their top authorities taking charge of the situation. And that I am carefully scouring the beach for tar rocks and stuff. Luckily, Midea is now a friendly monster, and...

WOMAN REPORTER
Aiieee! Crudezilla!!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla storms the beach, stomping oily mudholes of flattened TV reporters.

OBAMASAWA
Run!

*****************

YAMAMOTO
Have you mapped out Plan C, Professor? Crudezilla is stomping toward Mt. Fuji, and Nippon Petroleum is already down 4.74 in heavy trading!

OBAMASAWA
Just putting the final touches on it now. Gentlemen, as we all know, the root cause of Crudezilla is Japan's unhealthy dependence on fossil fuel. Therefore I have constructed this highly scientific draft legislation to mandate accelerated depreciation tax credits for green energy technology and hybrid vehicles.

NAKAMURA
Will it save Yokohama?

OBAMASAWA
Guaranteed! Plus it will create or save over 10 million jobs.

dissolve; verdant wind farm at the foot of Mt. Fuji

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla flails wildly, knocking over row after row of windmills; stomps solar panels
WOMAN IN CAR
Go faster Hideki! Crudezilla is gaining on us!

MAN IN CAR
I can't! The new mandatory nationwide speed limit is 55!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

WOMAN IN CAR
Aieeee!

Crudezilla lifts car from road with chopsticks made from trees, devours like sashimi roll

*****************
Read the rest here: http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2010/06/crudezilla.html