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CueSi
08-08-2011, 09:50 PM
Am I being a wet blanket?
Monica is my friend. She's a sweet otaku kid. She got a boyfriend. He's cute, and she's totes in love. She even tossed the idea of marriage out


He's Iranian, and his dad is an observant Muslim.

So I firmly told her to keep her feet on the ground and reminded her that ... bait and switch happens in ALL relationships once the ring goes on.

But in this case, this would be disastrous.

She knows I'm right- -

"but he has a black card!!"

"You'll be a living black card in time..."

"He bought me my favorite massage bar and gave me a back rub..."

"Bait and switch."

"Maybe I'll get a couple more shoes and another Burberry out of him."

It's like she knows I'm right on a cerebral level, but not on an emotional level.

But - - am I being a wet blanket? I didn't mention the word "shariah" or "honor killing". . .but she said my seriousness scared her.

Was I being too cautious?

~QC

ABC in Georgia
08-08-2011, 10:35 PM
Am I being a wet blanket?
He's Iranian, and his dad is an observant Muslim.

"but he has a black card!!"

But - - am I being a wet blanket? I didn't mention the word "shariah" or "honor killing". . .but she said my seriousness scared her.

Was I being too cautious?
~QC

Wow!

In my opinion, for what it's worth to you, NO, you are not being a wet blanket.

In fact, she might not like it, or even believe it ... but you are doing her a favor. If she is your friend, you could possibly lose her for telling her, though.

How old is she? Has she met his father? Or his mother? They are the ones who most likely have had the most influence on his way of life and his "family values."

If she, your friend, is young and head over heels in love with the guy, she isn't likely to want to take to heart what you say to her, but if it were me ... I'd regret not at least *trying* to warn her of the possible consequences of mixing the two disparate cultures.

I definitely think you did the right thing.

And btw ... what is a "black card?"

~ ABC

CueSi
08-08-2011, 10:43 PM
Monica is a year younger than me. She's met his father, no mention of the mother.

A black card is a Black American Express Card (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centurion_Card). Called the "Centurion" . . .it's an invitation only card with a $2.5 K annual fee and the credit limit is super high. It's made of Titanium, and you can do ALOT of damage on it.

Monica loves to shop and back when I used to be a dancer, she and I could drop (together) probably a grand or two on a good trip. Those days are over for me, lol.

~QC

SaintLouieWoman
08-08-2011, 11:31 PM
You're not being a wet blanket, you're being a friend. The black card might be nice, but the consequences later might not be all that great. If she was a dancer, does she think she'll enjoy the burka? I'm sure he'll eventually want them to return.

There was a mosque near my former home. I'd be driving up the street and see the women in the total outfit walking along the street, actually running on the street behind their hubby on a bike. They didn't look all that happy---what you could see peeping out from behind the veil.

Money is nice, but freedom is nicer. I've heard some of those families can get very strict. From my experience, they don't seem to respect women from the US. Way, way back in college I dated a medical resident from Lebanon. It didn't last long; even as a 19 year old I could see that it was a really bad idea. I refused to go out with him again. And things are a lot rougher now.

nightflight
08-09-2011, 02:32 AM
"Maybe I'll get a couple more shoes and another Burberry out of him."

Sounds like she's a real prize.

CueSi
08-09-2011, 02:52 AM
Sounds like she's a real prize.

<SIGH. . . Funny thing is, when she and I were together, she never asked me for a damn thing. Didn't give her much, either. Prolly a couple copies of a manga she liked and took her out for sushi a couple times, and she was happy. She wasn't a fellow dancer, she actually works as an accountant and when I was dancing was pretty much the only time our incomes were equal (actually, I made more).

I'm figuring the guy is giving her ALL sorts of stuff unasked for ,because she's easily emotionally manipulated and the stuff=easy manipulation. She doesn't ask for shit. That's not her nature. I'm figuring this guy is just buying her stuff to keep her.

So before you turn your nose up at her and think of her as a gold digging female, there's probably deep issues with the guys she deals with that exaggerate her own. She's a good kid, just a little immature and naive.

~QC

SaintLouieWoman
08-09-2011, 09:28 AM
<SIGH. . . Funny thing is, when she and I were together, she never asked me for a damn thing. Didn't give her much, either. Prolly a couple copies of a manga she liked and took her out for sushi a couple times, and she was happy. She wasn't a fellow dancer, she actually works as an accountant and when I was dancing was pretty much the only time our incomes were equal (actually, I made more).

I'm figuring the guy is giving her ALL sorts of stuff unasked for ,because she's easily emotionally manipulated and the stuff=easy manipulation. She doesn't ask for shit. That's not her nature. I'm figuring this guy is just buying her stuff to keep her.

So before you turn your nose up at her and think of her as a gold digging female, there's probably deep issues with the guys she deals with that exaggerate her own. She's a good kid, just a little immature and naive.

~QC
Doesn't matter whether she's an accountant or a dancer. She probably feels insecure or falls for the flattery or for the gifts. I'd just worry about her safety.

noworries
08-09-2011, 11:38 AM
She sounds like that she is a good person with a good heart

CueSi
08-09-2011, 12:47 PM
Doesn't matter whether she's an accountant or a dancer. She probably feels insecure or falls for the flattery or for the gifts. I'd just worry about her safety.

That's the heart of my concern. That she's gonna fall for the wrong guy. And this guy may be a problem in the long term. She's got misgivings of her own that's she's ignoring for this guy. I swear, if there's still copies of "The Gift of Fear" at Borders, I'm getting one for her.

~QC

Hawkgirl
08-09-2011, 01:15 PM
He's Iranian and rich? 2 red flags. How did he cone into all this money? What exactly is he into? All big questions.

noonwitch
08-09-2011, 01:31 PM
He's Iranian and rich? 2 red flags. How did he cone into all this money? What exactly is he into? All big questions.



A lot of it all depends on when and why his family came to this country. If they came here in the late 70s, because they were allies of the Shah and were afraid the Shias were going to kill them for being too secular, well, he might be a good guy. I knew a lot of Iranian muslims in college who were in this category-they did not observe most of the rules of their faith. The females didn't cover up-most didn't even wear a hijab. They were happy to be here and not be dead.


The Iranians (Persians) are a beautiful people, for the most part. Most don't look like Achminawackjob.

Hawkgirl
08-09-2011, 05:58 PM
The Iranians (Persians) are a beautiful people, for the most part. Most don't look like Achminawackjob.

It's not about looks, it's about character. Even the "americanized" muslims are controlling. All the money in the world isn't worth it.

When I was in xray school, I dated a surgical resident who was half syrian and half irish. Born in upstate NY...but he was the most controlling person I've every known. I dated him for over a year because I was afraid to break up with him. He was passive aggressive type that would get upset if I didn't wear a sweater over my uniform which showed my bare arms. He would get upset if I spoke to his fellow residents..... I worked part time in the film library and well, had to talk to the doctors....the list is just too long...When I graduated, I went to NYC and was able to get away from him.


QC, as far as I'm concerned, I would try to deter her.

fettpett
08-09-2011, 08:54 PM
You said your piece, she knows how you feel, leave it at that. Keep pushing and she'll resent you. Be there for her when she finally wises up or needs help.

Milly
08-09-2011, 09:33 PM
My fears would be for any possible kids, especially females. Whatever your friend might be willing to tolerate personally, she might think twice about having her daughter murdered for looking at the wrong boy.

CueSi
08-14-2011, 01:17 AM
I met him today. He seems cool enough, and after a couple rounds of sake , I said something like. . . I hope this is who you are, because I like you. If this isn't you, I'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way. Everyone laughed, and he did too, but I think he knows I meant it. Plus, I was kinda being extra goofy, so ...yeah, sake. :p

Not gonna discuss the issue further. Me and Monica are still cool. I feel better now. :D

~QC