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Retread
10-10-2015, 11:22 AM
My dog was hiding under the couch when I got back from the store. I asked the wife what happened. She told me the dog misunderstood the news and thought they were talking about "global worming".

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10-12-2015, 10:03 AM
Every day I go to work wearing a white shirt and khaki slacks. My wife says I’m colorbland.

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10-12-2015, 10:21 AM
Today's question is would an 'elbow head' be smarter or dumber than a 'knucklehead'?

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10-12-2015, 04:21 PM
I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Now people think that I have stuff worth stealing.

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10-13-2015, 11:22 PM
I finally got up the gumption to ask my neighbor about the zip code oh his head....


His answer?



Mail pattern baldness

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10-13-2015, 11:24 PM
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?



He was making up for a lousy summer.

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10-13-2015, 11:25 PM
Many families treat church like a convention.....


They only send one delagate.

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10-14-2015, 11:30 AM
Swami #1: I am having a complaint with my new flying carpet.

Swami#2: What seems to be the problem?

Swami #1: I keep flying down a long, dark hallway.

Swami #2: Oh! That's an easy one. It's Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

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10-14-2015, 02:48 PM
They said I should follow my dreams

So I went back to sleep..

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10-15-2015, 11:26 AM
The fact that there’s a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven tells you about the anticipated traffic numbers.

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10-15-2015, 11:39 AM
Beans and wieners for dinner every night! I'd ask the wife to cook something else but she's visiting our daughter in Poughkeepsie this week.

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10-15-2015, 11:40 AM
On the other hand, at least the diner still lets me order the businessman's lunch even tho I retired 8 years ago.

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10-16-2015, 10:41 AM
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

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10-16-2015, 06:44 PM
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children. Just like it says on the bottle.

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10-16-2015, 06:45 PM
Instead of a sign that says ‘Do Not Disturb’, I need one that says, ‘Already disturbed, proceed with caution’.

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10-17-2015, 10:24 AM
A bird in the hand .......


.... is worth $2 a pound

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10-17-2015, 10:32 AM
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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10-17-2015, 10:46 AM
On a more serious note


Retirement takes all the fun out of weekends.

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10-17-2015, 10:53 AM
How can you tell if bagpipes are out of tune?

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10-18-2015, 11:53 AM
I just found out my wife doesn't trust me.

She didn't tell me that.

I read it in her diary.

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10-18-2015, 12:17 PM
No matter how much we study and learn about computers, we will never know as much about them as they know about us.

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10-18-2015, 12:20 PM
I woke up my wife in the middle of the night to tell her about my new idea.





That wasn't a good idea.

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10-19-2015, 11:51 AM
The guy in the second cube down the hall is so dumb he puts his clocks under his desk so he can work overtime.

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10-19-2015, 12:19 PM
We are shaped by what we love......



especially pizza and doughnuts.

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10-19-2015, 12:25 PM
I need someone around here to help me out.

What do they put on a drivers license for hair color for bald guys?

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10-20-2015, 09:35 AM
In general, No one should believe in child labor.


But sometimes they’re the only ones who can figure out what’s wrong with a computer.

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10-20-2015, 10:10 AM
A government report today states that the economy continues to improve.


A bird in the hand is now worth three in the bush.

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10-21-2015, 11:13 AM
The schoolteacher was taking her first golf lesson.

“Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor.

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

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10-21-2015, 11:48 AM
BOGO - have your cake and eat it too.

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10-22-2015, 10:27 AM
Question: Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?

Answer: Minisoda

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10-22-2015, 10:40 AM
Do not offer advice to an angry man with a hammer.

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10-22-2015, 10:46 AM
Does Cyclops get 50% off on glasses?

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10-23-2015, 10:11 AM
A paranoid cyclops always sleeps with one eye open.

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10-23-2015, 10:19 AM
All in favor say 'aye'.

All opposed are free to update their resumes.

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10-23-2015, 10:25 AM
Pschobabble-

Dr - If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Patient - I don't know. Some kind of nut I'm sure.

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10-24-2015, 10:10 AM
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

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10-24-2015, 10:33 AM
Far too often, when opportunity knocks, all some people can do is complain about the noise.

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10-26-2015, 09:55 AM
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

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10-28-2015, 10:06 AM
Did you hear about the origami store?


It folded!

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10-29-2015, 11:18 AM
Every time I see the neighborhood mutt in the yard he is barking his head off and wagging his tail to beat the band


I don't know which end to believe.

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11-01-2015, 12:41 PM
The ranchers son counted 196 heifers in the north pasture but after he rounded them up, he had 200.

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11-02-2015, 10:56 AM
Superman is having a bad day. He just found out the Lois Lane is Facebook friends with Lex Luthor.

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11-03-2015, 11:05 AM
It's no wonder the country is so far in debt.


Most folks only earn 5 days a week but the government spends for 7.

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11-03-2015, 11:10 AM
Where are average things manufactured?



The satisfactory.

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11-04-2015, 11:02 AM
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

A URLologist.

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11-04-2015, 12:08 PM
What not to say in your audience with the pope.....



I like your hat.

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11-05-2015, 10:54 AM
I remain quite busy every day......


Finding all. The stuff I lost yesterday.

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11-05-2015, 11:26 AM
What is unique about the Congessional Medal of Honor?


Having the words 'congress' and 'honor' in the same sentence.

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11-06-2015, 10:53 AM
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period.


It marks the end of his sentence.

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11-06-2015, 03:58 PM
There is no way I will ever trust stairs. They are always up to something.

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11-07-2015, 10:44 AM
What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

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11-10-2015, 11:47 AM
I had been dating a lemon, but I broke it off. At first, our relationship was juicy, but then things turned sour.


--------

There has been a significant failure the last few days of finding anything really funny.
Rather than post up poor jokes (bad ones are different) I just skipped the day.

Retread
11-11-2015, 10:54 AM
Ever notice how the stress-medication commercials run during the evening news?

ABC
11-11-2015, 11:02 AM
Ever notice how the stress-medication commercials run during the evening news?

Yes, And the ones for revolting pimples and toenail fungus ...

Always seem to come when I am in the kitchen preparing food!

Yuck! Not funny!

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11-12-2015, 10:48 AM
My kids really hate my ice-cream-truck ringtone.

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11-12-2015, 11:08 AM
Is it possible to be enlightened and not know it?

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11-12-2015, 07:21 PM
And the cardiologist’s diet: ~If it tastes good, spit it out.

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11-12-2015, 07:23 PM
I decided to change calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.


I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

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11-13-2015, 11:22 AM
At my age, my wild oats are best sown in a bowl with all-bran and prunes.

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11-13-2015, 11:53 AM
What answer did you get for problem #7?

416 grams.

Hum, I must have mis-added.

What did you get?

Photosynthesis.

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11-13-2015, 12:01 PM
Hey cousin has been fired from every job he ever had.


At least he's not a quitter.

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11-13-2015, 12:12 PM
"irony" - Getting a stomach ache from eating comfort food.

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11-13-2015, 08:02 PM
First Braille Horror Story

Started reading my first Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen.

I can feel it.

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11-13-2015, 08:14 PM
At The Asylum

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

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11-14-2015, 12:23 PM
I went to the box office to buy a ticket to the symphony. I asked for orchestra seating, so they put me in the violin section.

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11-15-2015, 11:06 PM
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a diaper head Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're upset, what is it? "You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "That S O B next door still has my shovel."

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11-16-2015, 11:09 AM
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

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11-17-2015, 10:47 AM
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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11-17-2015, 11:15 AM
We got us a new food truck running around the neighborhood. They play classic rock and roll music and sell baked goods.


They call it The Rolling Scones

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11-18-2015, 02:20 PM
Overheard at the 25th high school reunion


I don’t want to brag, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!

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11-19-2015, 10:55 AM
I could point this toward some of our favorite folks but...


Have you ever met someone so dumb that if someone gave him a penny for his thoughts, he would have to give them some change back.

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11-20-2015, 10:43 AM
Same song, second verse.


..... is so dumb he avoids playing Candy Crush because he thinks it might give him diabetes.

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11-21-2015, 10:44 AM
I had to say that this one is offensive to me. It ought to, in my opinion, include some age qualification. But I have to also admit that the lady I've been opening the car door for has been living with me for 52 years now. And she is my wife and best friend.

--------


If you see a man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

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11-21-2015, 11:29 AM
Son, tell me. What do you want to be when you grow up?


Taller.

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11-21-2015, 12:08 PM
I know mirrors don't lie.

I'm just glad they don't laugh.

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11-22-2015, 01:52 PM
Obits:

Frank Funk, lifetime local resident passed away at age 69. He lived every day as if it were his last. Yesterday he was right.

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11-23-2015, 09:49 AM
A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk,” he replies.

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11-24-2015, 10:44 AM
This snail got beaten up by two turtles. He went to the police and they asked, “Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?” He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”

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11-24-2015, 11:35 AM
Congressional commentary:

"So it's either a billion or a trillion. We're making a big deal over a decimal point?"

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11-24-2015, 11:47 AM
I'm waiting on the library to get in some new "selfie-help" books.

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11-26-2015, 11:39 AM
I got a full ride scholarship to the school of hard knocks.

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11-26-2015, 11:40 AM
Did you hear about the turkey who got into a fight?


He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

ABC
11-26-2015, 10:11 PM
Speaking of turkeys on this special day, saw Obama and his girls this morning on TV sparing the two lucky, chosen ones.

I was not impressed ...

The biggest turkey at the White House has been excused for the last 7 years now! :livid: :vomit:

SarasotaRepub
11-26-2015, 10:53 PM
Did you hear about the turkey who got into a fight?


He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

messy. :biggrin-new:

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11-27-2015, 10:05 AM
Q: Why is Thanksgiving soup so expensive?

A: It has 24 carrots.

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11-27-2015, 10:44 AM
The wife's family back home had everybody over for thanksgiving.

One of the cousins called last night and described it as 'a chili cook off between the bloods and the crips.'

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11-28-2015, 10:41 AM
The other day at breakfast I said to my wife, “I’m not myself today.” She said, “I thought I noticed an improvement.”

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11-28-2015, 11:24 AM
These days "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you went in there.

Rockntractor
11-28-2015, 09:01 PM
These days "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you went in there.
My phone tells me what I'm there for if I stand there for too long.

Retread
11-28-2015, 10:52 PM
My phone tells me what I'm there for if I stand there for too long.

Hey bud! where ha been?

Rockntractor
11-28-2015, 11:15 PM
Hey bud! where ha been?
I'd have to check my GPS log.

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11-30-2015, 11:01 AM
I tried an online loan service last week.


I didn't know computers could sneer.

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11-30-2015, 11:05 AM
How do you know if you watch too much TV?



You spend more on batteries for the remote than on the gas bill.

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11-30-2015, 01:51 PM
If you truly need a magnifying glass to read the fine print,



it ain't good news.

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12-01-2015, 05:47 PM
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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12-02-2015, 10:58 AM
While I was sitting in my dentist’s waiting room I realized why he is so expensive. All the magazines were from this year.

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12-02-2015, 11:36 AM
If Mr Pibb gets sick, does he call Dr Pepper?

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12-04-2015, 04:07 PM
PETA has finally went over the line.


They are now criticizing people with pet peeves.

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12-05-2015, 11:02 AM
My doctor told me that I needed to exercise more.

I asked him, “What should I do?”

He said, “You might try running in place.”

“In place of what?” I asked.

He asked me to find another doctor.

SarasotaRepub
12-05-2015, 11:21 AM
:rotfl: