View Full Version : Deja vu all over again

12-05-2015, 11:50 AM
My blood pressure is outperforming my retirement portfolio.

12-05-2015, 11:59 AM
In the annual school play those children who can't handle dialog will play trees and bushes.

They will be scenery and not heard.

12-07-2015, 10:26 AM
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

12-07-2015, 10:57 AM
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

^that's funny :biggrin-new:

I had major deja vu last night. It wasn't one brief second, it seemed to go on for a couple of hours. It really bugged me. :apologetic:

12-08-2015, 10:30 AM
A policeman calls in to headquarters.

“Hello, is that you, Sarge?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir, the floor is still wet.”

12-08-2015, 08:08 PM
Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wife's purse

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

12-09-2015, 11:33 AM
A cop stopped me the other day for driving 65 mph in a 35 mph zone. After writing me a ticket, he told me that I needed to slow down. I told him that my doctor had said the same thing, but he didn’t write me a ticket.

12-10-2015, 11:49 AM
One really good thing about going nowhere.

It doesn't matter when you show up.

12-10-2015, 12:27 PM
What would William Tell have done if the child protective services had been around back then?

12-10-2015, 12:34 PM
I resist all change..... Except for TV channels.

12-11-2015, 03:27 PM
What is it called when kids refuse to eat vegetables?

Peas de resistance.

12-12-2015, 11:07 AM
A new study suggests more money is spent on flawed, pointless studies than Ohio spends on margarine in a year.

12-14-2015, 11:01 AM
Eat right and exercise every day....

So you can die healthy?

12-16-2015, 11:56 PM
Never buy a sausage from a roadside stand set up next an animal crossing sign.

12-19-2015, 12:01 PM
I got a friend who is trying to go vegan but he still has to get out and sneak a burger every now and then.

He just needs a little meat time.

12-20-2015, 12:21 AM
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what the burglar looked like.

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance and a washing machine.

12-20-2015, 12:21 AM
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food.

My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?"

12-22-2015, 10:36 AM
Big brother is live-streaming you.

12-25-2015, 01:02 PM
The underwater creatures were assembled and ready to play their musical instruments. The dolphins had their trombones. The sharks had their violas. The octopus was sitting behind his drums. And all the other band members were tuned up and ready to play. In front of them, holding a baton, was a Killer Whale. It was an Orca-stra.

12-26-2015, 12:03 PM
My wife and I were eating fish at our favorite seafood restaurant. I told her that I think I swallowed a bone. She asked me if I was choking. I told her, “No, I’m serious.”

12-27-2015, 11:37 AM
The last good news we had from the Middle East was broadcast by three wise men.

12-28-2015, 10:49 AM
Before giving anyone a piece of your mind, think about do you have any to spare.

12-29-2015, 09:30 AM
Q: What sound does a turkey’s phone make?

A: Wing, Wing.

12-30-2015, 09:41 AM
What do you call low I.Q., highly successful monsters?

Ogre achievers.

12-30-2015, 10:27 AM
Being king is all about ruling subjects and holding territory.

Serf and turf.

12-31-2015, 11:01 AM
A dog walks into a Western Union office to send a telegram. When the clerk hands him a form, the dog takes a pen in this teeth and slowly writes, “Bow wow wow, bow wow wow, bow wow.”

The clerk reads it, counts the words, and says, “Are you aware that there are only eight words here, and that you can send 10 words for the same price. Perhaps you’d like to add another ‘bow wow’?”

“I could,” said the dog, “but don’t you think that would sound a little ridiculous?”

01-01-2016, 12:11 PM
I just burned 2,000 calories! That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

01-01-2016, 12:18 PM
I go out for a run and become the God of Thunder.

I always come back Thor.

01-02-2016, 10:44 AM
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

01-02-2016, 11:10 AM
I got a letter from the TSA today.

My parrot has been put on the no-fly list.

01-02-2016, 12:24 PM
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery. She's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips ever. After dinner, she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.

Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."

She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."

He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

01-02-2016, 06:19 PM
The Blond And the Fish

A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.

The blond says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

01-02-2016, 06:20 PM
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

01-03-2016, 12:48 PM
Little Joey sat enthralled at the front of his Sunday school class as the story of David and Goliath was told. When the story was complete the teacher asked the group what lesson did they learn from the story.

Joey immediately jumped up and said......


01-04-2016, 01:45 PM
We have a restaurant on the corner that serves breakfast all day — as long as you’re OK with lasagna for breakfast.

01-05-2016, 04:22 PM
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

01-05-2016, 07:29 PM
It seems that every time I try to drink from the cup of life I end up with a dribble glass.

01-06-2016, 11:18 AM
Most egotist get me-deep in their conversations.

01-06-2016, 11:20 AM
Ricky and Randy Rong stopped me on the street to ask for directions.

I told the two Rongs to make a right.

01-06-2016, 11:25 AM
Never swallow bubble gum. It will stick in your innards and when you sneeze, you may not like where the bubble "ends" up.

01-07-2016, 12:11 PM
The only thing about being a good sport is you have to lose to prove it.

01-08-2016, 10:55 AM
I think I’ve figured out what one of the Incredible Hulk’s day job was — something related to real estate. I was told he was flipping houses.

01-08-2016, 11:52 AM
My neighbor's son was very happy about his 75% he got on his arithmetic quiz but-

He still worries about the 35% he missed.

01-09-2016, 11:38 AM
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

01-10-2016, 07:16 PM
I have a neighbor who thinks Instagram is having his grandmother on speed dial.

01-12-2016, 12:17 PM
One of my HS class continually tells everyone his GPA was 4.8

He neglects to tell them that is the sum of 1.2 per year.

01-13-2016, 12:22 PM
An English teacher told her class, “Every language has a construction in which two negatives make a positive, but in English there is no case where two positives make a negative.”

Someone commented, “Yeah, right.”

01-14-2016, 12:27 AM
The world is my oyster but I still haven't figured out how to open it.

01-14-2016, 05:05 PM
The Best Way To Lie Is To Tell The Truth . . . Carefully Edited

01-16-2016, 10:55 PM
As I was driving home this week and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:


Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

01-17-2016, 01:28 AM
I just got through paying off three cars.

My doctor's, my dentist's and my plumber's.

01-17-2016, 12:05 PM
The Senators trip to Central America was a disaster.

He slipped on a banana republic.

01-17-2016, 12:09 PM
She was dating a Chevy but she traded him for a Mercedes.

01-19-2016, 10:51 AM
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

01-20-2016, 11:36 AM
Running late does not count as exercise.


I need to pass this on to my eldest. She must believe it is the only exercise she gets.

01-22-2016, 10:46 AM
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He walks up to a beautiful blonde and asks, “Do I come here often?”

01-22-2016, 11:55 AM
What are the pest companies going to do when the roach is declared endangered?

01-22-2016, 04:17 PM
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

01-23-2016, 10:59 AM
Where would you find Superman and Batman hanging out together? Capetown!

01-25-2016, 10:47 AM
I think my marriage is in trouble. My wife complains that I don’t listen to her. Or, something like that.

01-25-2016, 11:44 AM
They say you are only young once.

This Saturday Lynda Young will marry Kevin Young and she will be young ... twice.

01-26-2016, 11:40 AM
So my neighbor’s dog brings his work desk and chair along with his laptop and files to my front yard. He plugs into my electrical outlet and his day begins. I hate when he does his business on my lawn.

01-27-2016, 10:50 AM
Wise advice from Mom: Always give 100 percent, unless you’re giving blood.

01-28-2016, 10:52 AM
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

01-28-2016, 10:55 AM
Everyone has always told me to follow my dreams.

I'm going back to bed.

01-29-2016, 10:50 AM
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

01-30-2016, 10:40 AM
I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around.

01-30-2016, 11:05 AM
The worst side effect of my medication is when I have to pay for it.

01-31-2016, 07:03 PM
The politicians are drawing straws today. They need to divert attention from the global wars and financial crises.

The loser has to start a sex scandal.

01-31-2016, 07:05 PM
The neighbor's son was out in the yard looking extremely glum yesterday. I asked him what was bothering him and he told me the game score that morning was 21 - 0.

I observed that was only three touchdowns, not a big deal.

He said they were playing soccer.

01-31-2016, 07:08 PM
It took me a good number of years to finally conclude that the wife's "be ready in 2 minutes" was the same 2 minutes as in the NFL.

02-01-2016, 12:30 AM
Sparky, the high school mascot, broke into the school cafeteria late last night and the spunky bulldog ate about a gallon of the chef's famous Jackpot Casserole.

Funeral arrangements are pending.

02-01-2016, 10:26 AM
The fact that there’s a “Highway to Hell” and only a “Stairway to Heaven” says a lot about anticipated traffic.

02-01-2016, 11:16 AM
Times are getting worse.

My brain teasers have stopped teasing me and started mocking me.

02-02-2016, 11:05 AM
Why did Cinderella make a bad baseball player?

She ran away from the ball and had a pumpkin for a coach.

02-03-2016, 04:25 PM
The doctor said I should drink more whiskey.

Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.

02-04-2016, 10:46 AM
Memo to Cinderella: Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk.

02-05-2016, 11:32 AM
Church-bulletin blooper: Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

02-08-2016, 11:08 AM
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

02-08-2016, 11:16 AM
I am looking for a new robot that can go to the gym, work out, then come home and download the benefits to me.

02-09-2016, 11:14 AM
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

02-09-2016, 11:34 AM
Don finally moved out of his parents house at age 45.

He had no choice.

He got ten years for fraud.

02-10-2016, 10:46 AM
Was Einstein truly smart? Or, was he just relatively smart?

02-11-2016, 06:22 PM
Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

02-11-2016, 06:34 PM
Way back when, the boss told me he didn't think I was incompetent enough to climb the management ranks.

02-11-2016, 06:41 PM
When I think of the many friendships I've had over the years, many remind me of a bag of croissants - warm and flaky.

02-11-2016, 06:46 PM
The secretary at the office told me she spent 4 and a half hours and $250 for her new haircut.

She says it's called the natural look.

02-12-2016, 10:43 AM
I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

02-13-2016, 10:28 AM
I was in the bathroom and out of toilet paper so I called to my dog. He came running with a roll in his mouth. He’s a lavatory retriever.

02-15-2016, 11:14 AM
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “Hoarders” and think, “Wow, my house looks great!”

02-16-2016, 10:49 AM
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when that child grows up, he or she will never be able to merge their car onto the freeway.

02-17-2016, 10:36 AM
My neighbor's son is into cowboys, so I got him some spurs. I realized this may not be a good idea the first time I saw the neighbor with the boy on his shoulders.

02-18-2016, 10:37 AM
What kind of medication do they give depressed cows? Mooed elevators!

02-18-2016, 11:15 AM
My train of thought left the station before I got on board.

02-20-2016, 10:51 AM
Very few things upset my wife, and it makes me feel special to be one of them.

02-20-2016, 10:54 AM
:thumbsup: I agree!!!

02-22-2016, 01:23 AM
Git's always been one of my dreams to live in a house with a view of the water,

just not in my basement.

02-22-2016, 01:25 AM
The doc sent a message that he will review my diagnosis.....

Right after he notifies the hazmat team.

02-22-2016, 11:42 AM
I was walking along the beach when I came upon a clam. He looked me right in the eye and told me I should take cover. It was the clam before the storm.

02-22-2016, 12:10 PM
I don't know whether to go outside and enjoy the weather or stay inside so the other folks can.