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03-25-2016, 10:51 AM
What is trigonometry?


The study of Roy Rogers horse.

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03-30-2016, 10:08 AM
Do you know how to make a goldfish age?



Take off the ‘g’!


(Oldfish)

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03-31-2016, 09:43 AM
What time of the year are most trapeze artists hurt?


In the fall.

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04-03-2016, 06:59 PM
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?



Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

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04-03-2016, 07:29 PM
Hey baby, what’s your sign?


Do not enter.

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04-04-2016, 03:10 PM
Does signing up for the "Introduction to Shakespeare " course make it so I get to meet him?

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04-07-2016, 03:20 PM
What is the problem with the world today?


Man's in civility with his fellow man, stupid.

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04-08-2016, 06:42 PM
What is a Nurse?



A beautiful woman who holds your hand for a minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

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04-10-2016, 04:11 PM
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?


There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

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04-11-2016, 09:58 AM
When they invented the first clock.......


How did they know what time to set it?



(The thread is called "the question" because we don't always have the answer)

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04-12-2016, 11:02 AM
Lawyer: Why haven't you paid me for the advice I gave you last month?


Client: I didn't take it.

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04-14-2016, 10:39 AM
How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?


None. Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.

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04-16-2016, 10:57 AM
What do you call a laid-off Goodrich employee?


A tireless worker.

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04-17-2016, 04:33 PM
What does a nosey pepper do?


Gets jalapeño business.

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04-20-2016, 10:38 AM
When is a trusty sword like a best friend?


When it stabs you in the back.

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04-20-2016, 03:31 PM
Why is Washington called the District of "Columbia"?

Because its namesake, Christopher Columbus, didn’t know where he was going, didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did it all on borrowed money!

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04-22-2016, 04:54 PM
At my recent Prostate Exam--which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had--the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....


...."Who Was That guy?"

ABC
04-22-2016, 10:28 PM
At my recent Prostate Exam--which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had--the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....


...."Who Was That guy?"

Ha! Ha!

YIKES! Really can relate to this joke from a female perspective, that is.

Will come back in tomorrow sometime to post. Gotta go!

ABC
04-24-2016, 12:45 PM
Have changed my mind somewhat on this one.

Is rather personal to relate in detail, especially to males! :biggrin-new:

Will only say: episiotomy stitches treatment from having a forceps delivery during childbirth ...

And having yet again someone dressed in white come into my room ...

Who much to my embarrassment turned out to be a window washer!

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04-24-2016, 05:44 PM
Did you hear about the scientist who turned the dolphin invisible?



It was very difficult but no one could see the porpoise.

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04-26-2016, 10:07 AM
Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

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04-27-2016, 03:24 PM
Teacher: My, my young man, you're scratching a lot. Is something wrong?

Student: No ma'am, just a few lice


Mom: You're home awfully early

Student: I discovered a new magic word.

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04-28-2016, 05:16 PM
Mora hits a double - from Grafitti:

You think life is a joke?


What's the punch line?

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04-29-2016, 10:38 AM
What is the best way to teach young kids about taxes?


Eat 30 percent of their ice cream.

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04-29-2016, 12:06 PM
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?


They each got six months.

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04-30-2016, 11:02 PM
(Two for the price of one)

What are you watching?

Women's beach volleyball.


Who's winning?

Who cares.

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04-30-2016, 11:24 PM
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?


He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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05-01-2016, 11:05 AM
Ever wonder why cows wear bells?


Cause their horns don't work.

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05-03-2016, 11:19 AM
Do I think there is a god?


Well, somebody is out to get me.

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05-23-2016, 10:31 AM
Why were stock analysts created?


To make weather forecasters look good.

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05-23-2016, 12:50 PM
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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05-23-2016, 12:50 PM
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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05-26-2016, 03:59 PM
Is Google Male Or Female?


Female, because it knows everything, and secretly tracks your activity.

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05-30-2016, 09:59 AM
Two questions:

Why does toilet paper need to be advertised?

Who is not going to buy it?

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06-24-2016, 10:41 AM
What is the most common lie told today?


"I have read and agree to the terms and conditions"

ralph wiggum
06-24-2016, 01:35 PM
Two questions:

Why does toilet paper need to be advertised?

Who is not going to buy it?
Sheryl Crow.

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06-24-2016, 01:50 PM
Sheryl Crow.

well she and Ed Begley of course.

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07-04-2016, 10:33 AM
Why are female Dallas Cowboy fans easy to date?


They love losers and don’t expect a ring.

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07-06-2016, 12:56 PM
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?


One, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

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07-06-2016, 02:17 PM
What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

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07-10-2016, 10:33 PM
How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?


Eclipse it.

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07-11-2016, 07:29 AM
Q: Know any jokes about Sodium?

A: Na

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07-12-2016, 09:27 PM
Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?



Because freedom rings!

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07-13-2016, 09:57 AM
What’s the best gift for a housewarming?

A new air conditioner!

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07-17-2016, 09:08 AM
What's the difference in a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is very heavy and a zippo is a little lighter.

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07-19-2016, 10:19 PM
What's the difference between the government and the mafia?

The Mafia is organized

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07-20-2016, 06:00 PM
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?


A receding hare line.

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07-20-2016, 06:01 PM
Cow 1: Are you worried about md cow disease?


Cow 2: Why should I if I'm a helicopter.

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07-20-2016, 06:03 PM
What's the difference between a well dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist?


Attire

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07-20-2016, 06:03 PM
What goes all over the world but always stays in a corner?



A postage stamp.

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07-22-2016, 06:15 PM
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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07-24-2016, 04:49 PM
She: Do you love me just because my father left me a small fortune?


He: Absolutely not darling. I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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07-25-2016, 03:34 PM
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?


All that was left was de Brie.

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07-26-2016, 09:57 AM
Who is the commander in the ocean?


The Sturgeon General, of course!

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08-04-2016, 09:57 AM
What does a termite say when he walks into a tavern?

“Is the bar tender here?”

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08-14-2016, 04:06 PM
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

They both get easier to pick-up with age.

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08-16-2016, 10:05 AM
What do sharks like with peanut butter?


Jellyfish.

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08-17-2016, 10:11 AM
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?


Fission chips.

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08-23-2016, 10:12 AM
If H2O is the chemical formula for water, what is the formula for ice?


H2O cubed.

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08-24-2016, 10:47 AM
Where do jellyfish come from?

From the ocean currants.

Elspeth
08-24-2016, 04:19 PM
What does a termite say when he walks into a tavern?

“Is the bar tender here?”

I don't get this one.

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08-24-2016, 06:34 PM
I don't get this one.

A wooden bar top and a termite?

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08-24-2016, 06:53 PM
How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

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08-26-2016, 09:46 AM
What do you call a dog on the beach during the summer?

A hot dog.

-----------

Yeah, I know. Lame, but ya go with what ya got or go home.

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08-27-2016, 09:38 AM
How do you get off a nonstop flight?

ralph wiggum
08-27-2016, 10:30 AM
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
George Carlin had an amusing routine about flying & airports. To paraphrase, "non stop flight"? I prefer that my plane stops.

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08-27-2016, 01:05 PM
George Carlin had an amusing routine about flying & airports. To paraphrase, "non stop flight"? I prefer that my plane stops.

I believe George was the one always talking about skyways, runways, driveways and other seemingly mis-named places.

ralph wiggum
08-27-2016, 01:06 PM
I believe George was the one always talking about skyways, runways, driveways and other seemingly mis-named places.
Near miss. No, it's a near hit.

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08-27-2016, 01:26 PM
http://www.winkman.com/carlin.htm

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08-29-2016, 09:27 AM
What one word best describes the atmosphere at an auction?


Morbid!

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09-01-2016, 10:06 AM
Did you hear about the Incredible Shrinking Man getting bitten by a werewolf?


Every full moon he turns into a hamster.

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09-05-2016, 10:59 AM
What holds up the sun in the sky?


Sunbeams!

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09-06-2016, 03:30 PM
What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture.

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09-06-2016, 09:02 PM
What should you do if your elephant won't stop chasing kids on bikes?


Take away his bikes.

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09-06-2016, 09:03 PM
Why don't ants get sick?


They posses strong anty bodies.

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09-06-2016, 09:03 PM
What's orange and sounds like a carrot?


A parrot.

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09-06-2016, 09:05 PM
Cop: OK, buddy, where were you between 4 and 6?


Suspect: Kindergarten - why do you ask?

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09-07-2016, 10:24 AM
Why do bananas use sunscreen?


Because they peel.

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09-08-2016, 10:32 AM
Where do sharks go for vacation?


Finland

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09-11-2016, 12:33 AM
Why did the school teacher wear sunglasses?


Because her class was so bright.

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09-13-2016, 10:38 AM
Who is the commander of all the fish in the ocean?


The Sturgeon General, of course!

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09-14-2016, 11:32 AM
What do you call a snowman in July?


A puddle.

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09-15-2016, 10:15 AM
What do you call witches on the beach?


Sandwitches.

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09-15-2016, 11:28 AM
What do you give a lying parrot?

A Polly graph.


(Eat your heart out Jimmy Kimmel)

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09-16-2016, 10:37 AM
When do you go on red and stop at green?

When you’re eating watermelon.

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09-18-2016, 09:56 PM
Did you hear about the "Dial a Prayer" service for atheists?

You call the number and no one answers.

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09-18-2016, 10:01 PM
Why did the robot go on vacation?


so he could recharge.

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09-20-2016, 11:17 AM
Why didn’t the elephant buy a suitcase for his vacation?

He already had a trunk.

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09-22-2016, 10:02 AM
Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he had overturned and sunk his boat?

He was in denial.

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09-23-2016, 09:28 AM
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?


One requires tweetment and the other needs oinkment.

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09-24-2016, 09:39 AM
What did the bald man say when he received a comb as a gift?


“I’ll never part with it.”

Elspeth
09-24-2016, 03:35 PM
What did the bald man say when he received a comb as a gift?


“I’ll never part with it.”

http://fail.brm.sk/facepalm/facepalm.jpg

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10-02-2016, 11:04 AM
Freddy, what is the chemical formula for water?

H I J K L M N O

Where did you get that?

You said it was H to O!

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10-08-2016, 10:50 AM
At the police academy:

Instructor: "Cadet Jones, what would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

“Call for lots of backup,” he replied.

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10-09-2016, 11:21 PM
After seeing a poster on the neighborhood bulletin board asking "Have you seen my cat?", I called the number and told them "No, I haven't seen your cat."

I like to help out wherever I can.

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10-11-2016, 11:35 AM
What do you get if you mate a shark with a cow?

I have no idea but I sure wouldn't try to milk it.

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10-13-2016, 10:29 AM
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements?

A: Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

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10-14-2016, 10:56 AM
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,” a man said frantically over the phone.

“Is this her first child?” the 911 operator asked.

“No,” the man said, “This is her husband.”

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10-15-2016, 10:12 AM
Why do magicians do well in school?


They are good at trick questions.

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10-21-2016, 10:17 AM
Oldie but goodie

What do you call cheddar that is not yours?

Nachos cheese.