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05-06-2016, 09:40 AM
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer please.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

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05-07-2016, 09:26 AM
The Miss Universe Pageant is fixed.

The winners are always from Earth.

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05-07-2016, 09:42 AM
People in glass trucks shouldn't play stones.

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05-07-2016, 09:52 AM
Evan a fool who keeps silent is considered wise.

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05-08-2016, 10:52 AM
I'm at the police station working with a sketch artist on a suspect.

I'm wondering how long it will be before he figures out I'm describing him.

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05-09-2016, 09:58 AM
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

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05-10-2016, 10:41 AM
Why have we never seen the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

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05-11-2016, 02:29 PM
Snacking tip: The healthiest part of a doughnut is the hole. Unfortunately, you must eat through the rest of it to get there.

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05-12-2016, 10:17 AM
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage?

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05-13-2016, 12:59 PM
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

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05-13-2016, 05:34 PM
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one.


She holds it in place while the world revolves around her.

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05-14-2016, 09:30 AM
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it’s called golf.

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05-16-2016, 10:25 AM
What a difference 50 years make:

1966: Long hair

2016: Longing for hair

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05-16-2016, 11:37 AM
I just published a new book on how to cheat suckers.


It retails for $399.

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05-16-2016, 11:40 AM
I have finally, at age 74, determined the true meaning of life.

Bacon double cheeseburgers.


Not really but it'll do til something better comes along.

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05-16-2016, 11:45 AM
So a young boy I was forcibly removed from the cub scouts.


The scoutmaster said to pitch the tents so I threw them all in the trash.

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05-17-2016, 09:37 AM
Even though Charlie Brown wasn’t qualified for the position, he got the job.

After all, he works for peanuts.

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05-18-2016, 08:16 PM
Modern Math: Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

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05-19-2016, 07:05 PM
I'm looking for the app that will tell me what the ^>#% I came in this room for?

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05-19-2016, 07:09 PM
You are here:




X

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05-19-2016, 07:12 PM
I'm worried about my pet snail.


He looks a little sluggish.

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05-19-2016, 07:16 PM
One of the greatest ideas you may learn in school is that "learning" and "remembering" are two totally different things.

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05-20-2016, 04:54 PM
All computers are Geminis. They are born under a binary system.

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05-24-2016, 09:41 AM
My girlfriend told me that she wanted to walk down the aisle, so I sent her grocery shopping.

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05-24-2016, 10:36 AM
When I was a kid we had reading, 'riting and 'rithmetic.

Nowadays it's texting, tweeting and trolling.

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05-26-2016, 10:16 AM
Tequila probably won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

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05-27-2016, 10:22 AM
I said I would stop procrastinating, I just didn't say when.

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05-27-2016, 10:26 AM
My neighbor's daughter met her beau online.

No, not at a dating site; pizza delivery.

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05-28-2016, 09:09 AM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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05-28-2016, 09:50 AM
Myrtle had to return her moisturizer.

Her face mildewed.

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06-01-2016, 10:31 AM
Modern physics: Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond

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06-01-2016, 11:10 AM
Every family has that one weird relative. If you can't figure out who it is, it's probably you.

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06-02-2016, 09:52 AM
No matter how hard he tried, the frog could not cross the busy highway. Finally, he threw caution to the wind and just started hopping.


Turns out he was the toad less traveled.

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06-02-2016, 10:53 AM
Another reflection of the bachelors unique style:

Who else can afford to buy expensive and elegant wines and serve them in used pickle jars?

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06-02-2016, 10:56 AM
I am a man of many letters.



ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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06-03-2016, 10:22 AM
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.

FlaGator
06-03-2016, 10:27 AM
A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies with "No, but I know exactly were I am."
The cop then says "You were doing 85 miles an hour!"
To which Heisenberg answers "Damn it! Now I'm lost"

FlaGator
06-03-2016, 10:28 AM
A SQL query walks in to a bar and sees to tables
He walks up to them and asks "Can I join you?"

FlaGator
06-03-2016, 10:29 AM
How many software engineers does it take to change a light blub?
Zero. That's a hardware problem.

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06-03-2016, 10:39 AM
How many software engineers does it take to change a light blub?
Zero. That's a hardware problem.

And I worked with that guy!

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06-03-2016, 10:46 AM
The three stages of life.

Young, old and "he sure looks good doesn't he?"

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06-04-2016, 09:44 AM
LIFE IS LIKE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER; THE CLOSER IT GETS TO THE END, THE FASTER IT GOES

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06-04-2016, 09:50 AM
Company computer section newsletter: The MIS Information Newsletter.

It only came in hard copy.

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06-09-2016, 09:37 AM
When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now, it’s like a mini vacation.

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06-09-2016, 09:59 AM
I have been told one learns from their mistakes. I think I'm working on my PhD.

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06-11-2016, 10:29 AM
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when suddenly the phone rings.

Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

Elspeth
06-11-2016, 05:40 PM
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when suddenly the phone rings.

Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

Now that made me laugh. :biggrin-new:

Retread
06-11-2016, 06:48 PM
Near 10000 jokes later I finally got to ya huh?

Elspeth
06-11-2016, 07:20 PM
Near 10000 jokes later I finally got to ya huh?

Well, it had to happen sometime.

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06-13-2016, 08:24 AM
The cable company told me that they would send a guy out and that I need to be home between the hours of 1 p.m. and 2017.

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06-14-2016, 09:47 AM
The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid stuff before the internet.

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06-14-2016, 10:37 AM
The National Pessimist Club announced today that few, if any, clouds have a silver lining.

ABC
06-14-2016, 11:15 AM
The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid stuff before the internet.

As did I ... *blush*

Including taking my shoes off (on a dare) to dance in the fountain outside a restaurant ...

Was on a girls' night out back when I was working. Was fun actually!

Retread
06-14-2016, 05:04 PM
As did I ... *blush*

Including taking my shoes off (on a dare) to dance in the fountain outside a restaurant ...

Was on a girls' night out back when I was working. Was fun actually!

I don't EVEN want to start! My Dad told my daughters enough stories as it is. Now they are being passed on to the G'son.

ABC
06-14-2016, 09:01 PM
I don't EVEN want to start! My Dad told my daughters enough stories as it is. Now they are being passed on to the G'son.

Ha! Ha!

And our son doesn't want us to tell his kids what he got up to when he was young either! :biggrin-new:

Elspeth
06-14-2016, 09:04 PM
The National Pessimist Club announced today that few, if any, clouds have a silver lining.

:biggrin-new:

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06-16-2016, 09:23 AM
They say “revenge” is a dish best served cold.

They also say “revenge” is sweet.

So basically, “revenge” is ice cream.

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06-16-2016, 10:17 AM
I recently attended a seminar on anger management.

If you'll just shut up, i will tell you about it.

ABC
06-16-2016, 10:24 AM
I recently attended a seminar on anger management.

If you'll just shut up, i will tell you about it.

Yes ...

And if I want your opinion; I'll ask for it! *evil-grin* :biggrin-new:

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06-17-2016, 09:40 AM
If you don’t swear while driving, you’re not paying attention to the road.

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06-17-2016, 10:44 AM
I don't understand. My alphabet soup has started writing four letter words.

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06-18-2016, 09:53 AM
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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06-18-2016, 10:49 AM
I beg your pardon!? They are not 'love handles', they are side-impact air bags!

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06-18-2016, 10:53 AM
I've been having a lot of gas problems lately and now they've gotten worse.

I walked into Pet Smart yesterday and a canary died.

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06-19-2016, 09:45 AM
Remember before social media, when no one cared what you had for breakfast …well, they still don’t.

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06-20-2016, 09:07 AM
I hate it when TV shows warn of “adult situations,” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying bills or cleaning the house.

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06-20-2016, 11:03 AM
I awake each morning full of strength and confidence.

But something always goes wrong.

I get out of bed.

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06-21-2016, 09:33 AM
I think people my age are much older than me.

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06-21-2016, 10:03 AM
The stars of the movie Flash Dance are returning to film a sequel.


Hot Flash Dance

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06-22-2016, 10:08 AM
When the X-ray specialist married one of his patients, everybody wondered what he saw in her.

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06-23-2016, 09:33 AM
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much.

Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

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06-23-2016, 09:58 AM
My daughters boss seems to blame all of her mistakes on her employees,

If she can't blame the government.

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06-24-2016, 09:21 AM
Political correctness requires that “hillbilly rednecks” now will be called “Appalachian-Americans.”

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06-24-2016, 10:46 AM
Mom, what's for dessert?

You have to eat your asparagus before you can have dessert. You know the rules.

Yeah, I know. I just want to know if it's worth it.

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06-24-2016, 10:59 AM
None of my hoedowns include banjos or fiddles.

See ya in the garden.

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06-25-2016, 09:39 AM
I’ve been hiding from exercise.

I’m in the fitness protection program.

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06-27-2016, 09:16 AM
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

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06-28-2016, 09:39 AM
I decided to spend my day ridding my garden of poison ivy.

It turned out to be a rash decision.

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06-29-2016, 09:42 AM
Would a picture of a thousand words still be worth a thousand words?

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07-01-2016, 09:59 AM
Hasbro recommends that the age to use a Ouija board is 8-plus years old.

So you need to be 21 to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

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07-01-2016, 10:22 AM
Due to the oil down turn, Houston area restaurants now require proof of employment to order the businessman's special.

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07-02-2016, 10:07 AM
My computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

DumbAss Tanker
07-02-2016, 11:06 AM
My computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

:biggrin-new:

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07-03-2016, 10:49 AM
A couple who had been married for several years went to a marriage counselor when they couldn’t decide where to go on vacation. The counselor suggested that they compromise, spending half of their time at each person’s destination. “You don’t understand,” the wife said. “I want to go to Cape Cod and I don’t want him to come with me.”

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07-05-2016, 10:05 AM
I just saw three people jogging outside and it inspired me to get off the couch and close the blinds.

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07-05-2016, 10:39 AM
There is no substitute for hardwork unless you use spell check.


(Hardwood)

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07-07-2016, 10:03 AM
A nude walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we’re clothed.”

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07-08-2016, 09:10 AM
Sir Isaac Newton and Steve Jobs walk into a bar in heaven. They discuss apples.

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07-08-2016, 09:56 AM
Mom told me I learned to talk before I was two years old.

I'm not going to say how long it took for me to learn to shut up.

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07-08-2016, 12:16 PM
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.

She's a keeper.

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07-09-2016, 04:52 PM
One day a man walked into a bird shop carrying a beak. “I’m looking for a bird to match this beak,” he said to the owner. “No problem,” said the owner. “I’ve got one that will fit the bill.”

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07-12-2016, 10:51 PM
I'm so broke I can't even go window shopping.

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07-15-2016, 01:18 PM
I had to put up a “Beware of dog” sign in my front yard.

He doesn’t bite, but people keep tripping over him.

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07-16-2016, 10:30 AM
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

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07-18-2016, 09:17 AM
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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07-19-2016, 09:05 AM
My wife and I often laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh harder.

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07-20-2016, 09:31 AM
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago, and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

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07-20-2016, 09:42 AM
Of course I was talking to myself. I needed expert advice.

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07-21-2016, 09:13 AM
I'm looking into citrus futures but I'm having trouble reading between the limes.

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07-23-2016, 10:16 AM
Tequila probably won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

RobJohnson
07-23-2016, 11:08 AM
Of course I was talking to myself. I needed expert advice.


:biggrin-new:

RobJohnson
08-03-2016, 04:29 PM
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.