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06-27-2016, 01:53 PM
Two Elderly Widows

Ruth and Gilda, two elderly widows, are curious about the latest arrival in their neighborhood – a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Gilda says, “Ruth, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go talk to him at the park and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”

Ruth agrees, and later that day at the park, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

“You’re kidding! What for?” asks Ruth, aghast.

“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

“What happened to your second wife?”

“I shot her.”

“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

“Oh my,” says Ruth.

Then turning to her friend at the other end of the park, she calls, “Yoohoo, Gilda! He’s single.”

ArmyMedic
06-27-2016, 03:11 PM
Two Elderly Widows

Ruth and Gilda, two elderly widows, are curious about the latest arrival in their neighborhood – a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Gilda says, “Ruth, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go talk to him at the park and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”

Ruth agrees, and later that day at the park, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

“You’re kidding! What for?” asks Ruth, aghast.

“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

“What happened to your second wife?”

“I shot her.”

“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

“Oh my,” says Ruth.

Then turning to her friend at the other end of the park, she calls, “Yoohoo, Gilda! He’s single.”

Good lord, that's like having Hillary in any part of our government.

With friends who allegedly like you, like that. The last thing 1 needs are any enemies who really hate ya.:biggrin-new:

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06-28-2016, 06:12 PM
Glasses

I told my wife she was more attractive when she didn't wear glasses.

She smiled and said "So are you".

"But sweetheart", I said, "I don't wear glasses".

She smiled again and said, "Think about it".

ABC
06-28-2016, 09:04 PM
Retread ...

Please come up with one re a wife whose husband watches sports on tv, is beginning to lose his hearing, and refuses to get a hearing aid ...

Purchases a blinking sound bar to make up for it ...

And and she, the wife, can still hear it from 2 rooms away, without wanting to throttle him!

Thanks! :biggrin-new:

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06-29-2016, 03:31 PM
Saw A Guy At Starbucks

Saw a guy at Starbucks today with no smart phone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee

…like some kind of psychopath.

ABC
06-29-2016, 09:28 PM
Saw A Guy At Starbucks

Saw a guy at Starbucks today with no smart phone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee

…like some kind of psychopath.

Ha! Ha!

We have an "Ingles" grocery store up here in the North Ga. mountains (much like "Publix" in Florida,) where it also has a Starbucks section ...

And I am tempted to laugh at the folks that ARE busy tapping away on their devices ...

While paying the ridiculous prices for the so-so coffee and lattes, simply for the privilege of doing so!

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07-17-2016, 10:21 PM
Like a God!!

My wife treats me like a God!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

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07-24-2016, 06:09 PM
Get Well Soon

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed Appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his groin area.

Worried that it might be a second surgery that the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

It didn’t take long to discover the cause for his discomfort. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon from the nurse in the 2013 Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

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08-03-2016, 04:58 PM
Talking In The Pub

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

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08-05-2016, 08:26 AM
One evening in a bar

A lovely young lady walks into a bar. Suddenly she hears, “You’ve got great hair.” She turns around to see who said that, but the bar is empty. Then she hears, “I really love that dress you’re wearing.” Again, she can’t find where the voice is coming from. Then, “You have the prettiest eyes.” Same thing, the bar is empty. She’s the only customer.

Finally, she calls over the bartender. “Somebody is saying very nice things about me, but I can’t find who it is.”

The bartender says, “Oh, it’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.”

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08-07-2016, 04:03 PM
Minister, Priest And A Rabbi Go Skinny-Dipping

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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08-07-2016, 04:05 PM
Facebook Vs Bar

I log into Facebook and see that everyone is at the bar...

So I go to the bar and see that everyone is on Facebook.

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08-08-2016, 03:27 PM
Chicken Testing

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired.

The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Retread
08-12-2016, 10:34 PM
City Girl Visiting The Farm

A city girl driving through the country stop to admire some cattle in a pasture. When the farmer approached she asked, "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.

Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.

Retread
08-15-2016, 09:39 PM
Praise The Lord...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

Retread
08-22-2016, 06:05 PM
A Very Sad Passing That Cooks Everywhere Will Mourn

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play-Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

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09-04-2016, 09:34 PM
What’s An Echo?

Son: ''Dad, What’s an echo?''

Father: ''An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word.''

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09-13-2016, 04:53 PM
Sleeping With Mom

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children, apparently scared by the loud storm, in bed with my wife, Karen. That night I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip, Karen and the children picked me up in the airport terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said excitedly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" my son shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area for his Mom.

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09-19-2016, 03:58 PM
What Is Wrong With Me?

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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09-20-2016, 08:34 PM
At Camp

Several friends were at camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long."

Retread
09-26-2016, 09:22 PM
Blond And Fish

A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.

The blond says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

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09-27-2016, 01:04 PM
Beggars And Choosers

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Retread
09-29-2016, 05:23 PM
If Only Life Were Like A Computer

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

ou could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

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09-30-2016, 09:29 PM
Set It Free.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.

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10-17-2016, 08:55 PM
Wife Returns Home Late

A wife returns home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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10-19-2016, 08:03 PM
The Difference Explained

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Retread
10-25-2016, 11:27 PM
Weaker Sex

Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel and I gave him his choice of weapons."

Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair.

I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!

Retread
11-03-2016, 10:23 PM
Husband A Photo Of Himself

Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Retread
11-04-2016, 04:21 PM
A Woman In Panic

A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

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11-16-2016, 07:05 PM
A Horse Walks Into A Bar...

The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

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11-18-2016, 10:37 PM
Help I'm In Jail!

The police arrested me for having the ugliest face in town.

Can you please come over and show them they got the wrong person?

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11-26-2016, 11:50 PM
The Difference Between Ravens And Crows

All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight. These feathers are called pinions.

If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three.

You could say the difference is just a matter of a pinion.

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11-28-2016, 07:28 PM
English Lesson

Teacher: Use the letter "I" in a sentence.

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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11-29-2016, 11:04 PM
Furniture Disease

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked about his health.

So Max told the Doc that he felt fine but his suit must have shrunk over the last year or so, because it didn't fit any more.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Retread
12-01-2016, 10:53 PM
Billy's Baseball Game

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

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12-07-2016, 10:13 PM
The Furniture Store Keeps Calling

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.

But all I wanted was that one night stand.

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12-08-2016, 11:11 PM
The Wedding Dress

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her father's new young wife, Barb, had purchased the exact same dress! She asked Barb to exchange the dress, but Barb refused. "Absolutely not! I'm wearing this dress. I look like a million bucks in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, Sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

Two weeks later Jennifer and her mother went shopping and found another awesome dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You really don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, Dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

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12-16-2016, 10:22 PM
An English Lesson - Direct Object

Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

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12-16-2016, 10:23 PM
Not Again!!

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.

I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.

"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Retread
12-21-2016, 11:18 PM
My New GPS

Bono from U2 is the voice of my car's GPS

It sucks. The streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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12-22-2016, 06:52 PM
Free Drinks

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 64 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we have 38 dinners available."

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12-24-2016, 12:10 AM
Two Aliens Are Having A Conversation

After observing Earth two aliens are having a conversation.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have their weapons aimed at themselves."

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12-28-2016, 11:12 PM
The Engineer And The Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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12-28-2016, 11:13 PM
Tuning A Piano

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Opperknockity.

He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.

Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem.

However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Opperknockity only tunes once!"

Retread
12-30-2016, 10:40 PM
In An Irish Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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12-30-2016, 10:46 PM
Job Experience

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"As a matter if fact, yes," she replied. "I've been divorced three times

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01-04-2017, 11:32 PM
Park Bench Games


Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man"

The girl replies "awwwww you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says "3 to zip Old Fart, It's your turn".

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01-04-2017, 11:32 PM
A Man From Wall Street Appeared

Once upon a time in a village overrun with monkeys, a man from Wall Street appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their efforts.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $30 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50 a piece! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. "See all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $40 each and when he returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers pooled up all their savings, nest eggs, sold all their assets, and bought all the monkeys from the assistant.

That night the assistant left town and they never saw the man nor his assistant again.

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01-05-2017, 10:20 PM
Blonds And Hand Grenades

Two Blonds find three hand grenades and decide they should take them to the nearest police station.

One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Said the other: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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01-16-2017, 07:38 PM
Spreading The Word About Electricity

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

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01-18-2017, 07:12 PM
Random Thoughts

Life is sexually transmitted.

The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

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01-26-2017, 04:31 PM
A Little Insurance

A son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

The father lets son know that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, ''Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?''

The father replies, ''I don't want them hitting on your mother after I'm gone!

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01-31-2017, 12:09 AM
Woke Up In A Hospital Room

I woke up alone in a hospital room, with no idea how I got there.

The phone rang, and I answered it.

A doctor on the other end identified himself, and told me: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning.

I'm afraid you have the Bird Flu, and you're positive for hepatitis."

I was stunned and asked "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of cheese pizza."

I said: "How will that help me, doc?"

"It won't", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

Retread
01-31-2017, 12:10 AM
How To Stop The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

Retread
01-31-2017, 12:10 AM
On The Bathroom Scale

A man is weighing himself in the bathroom, sucking in his stomach ,when his wife comes in and says sarcastically, "That's not going to help."

The guy says, "You are wrong, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

Retread
02-05-2017, 11:45 PM
Calling Out Sick

I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Retread
02-05-2017, 11:48 PM
I'm A Walking Economy

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

Retread
02-07-2017, 12:56 AM
...Like Fine Wine

....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. - Male Author Unknown


....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. - Female Author Unknown

Retread
02-17-2017, 07:39 PM
It Was A Beautiful Day

As it was a beautiful day, a woman decided to stretch out on a park bench and soak up the sun.

After ten minutes, a down-and-out wino came over to her and said: "Hi gorgeous. How about you and I get together?".

"How dare you? replied the woman. "I'm not some cheap pick-up!"

"No?" said the wino. "Then what are you doing in my bed?"

Retread
02-17-2017, 07:40 PM
Stormtrooper Gets A Phone

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

Retread
02-17-2017, 07:41 PM
Fridge Photos

I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.

When I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, naked young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Retread
02-20-2017, 08:07 PM
Yadot Rorrim

Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I.

(I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)

Retread
02-28-2017, 10:57 PM
Your Dog's IQ

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Retread
03-02-2017, 10:05 PM
Started Reading My First Braille

Started reading my first Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen.

I can feel it.

Retread
03-07-2017, 09:26 PM
Lying

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,

...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

Retread
03-08-2017, 10:44 PM
Artist Pablo Picasso Surprised A Burglar

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what the burglar looked like.

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance and a washing machine.

Retread
03-12-2017, 10:12 PM
My Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, tossed out my beer, and unplugged the computer.

...and she thinks she's funny!

Retread
03-15-2017, 06:31 PM
My Wife Threw A Bottle

My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

Retread
03-16-2017, 03:55 PM
Little Johnny And The Waterhole

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.

He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.

Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Retread
03-19-2017, 06:37 PM
Any Books On Paranoia

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia

She whispered "They're behind you."

Retread
03-19-2017, 06:44 PM
Three Little Pigs

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six Year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.

When she came to the part where the first pig was gathering building materials for his home.

She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of That straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy said very matter-of-factly, "Holy Cow! A talking pig!!

Retread
03-21-2017, 06:39 PM
At The Asylum

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

Retread
03-23-2017, 11:08 PM
A Little Girl, Dressed In Her Sunday Best

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Retread
03-23-2017, 11:08 PM
A Rope Walked Into A Bar.

The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!"

The rope left, tied his top end, fluffed out the fringe and reentered the bar.

The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?"

"No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

Retread
03-31-2017, 09:00 PM
City Girl Visiting The Farm

A city girl driving through the country stop to admire some cattle in a pasture. When the farmer approached she asked, "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.

Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.

Retread
04-03-2017, 11:41 PM
I Met A Girl

I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body.

I met her on Match.com

Retread
04-03-2017, 11:42 PM
Password Lock

My friend got a password lock app that takes a picture whenever someone attempts to unlock his phone with the wrong password.

He has a ton pictures of himself drunk.

Retread
04-07-2017, 11:41 PM
My Girlfriend Brought 50,000 Bees

My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.

She's a keeper.

Retread
04-07-2017, 11:42 PM
Humorous Marriage Advice

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as the one for living in California. - When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

Retread
04-11-2017, 11:15 PM
Aspiring Student Psychiatrists


The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Retread
04-12-2017, 09:59 PM
Work Or Pleasure

An Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee and asked what was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well sir”, he said, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Retread
04-21-2017, 06:45 PM
Paddy At War

The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.

One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.

They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!

Retread
04-24-2017, 11:48 PM
A Friend's Passing

Bob and Ed were best friends and had been for fifty plus years. After Ed died, Bob was inconsolable for many weeks. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he just wanted to sit in misery.

Finally one night, Bob was able to fall into a fitful sleep and Ed came to him in a dream.

"Ed! I've really missed you. Tell me, what's it like on the other side?"

"Well...it's GREAT! I can run like the wind if I want to because my knees don't hurt any more. If I get hungry, there's always food around. If I want to sleep, there's always a comfortable place to lay down under my feet. If I get horny, there are willing females all over the place."

Bob replies "Heaven sounds like a great place!"

"About That" "I'm a Rabbit in Tennessee"

Retread
05-02-2017, 10:58 PM
A Short History Of Medicine:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Retread
05-02-2017, 10:58 PM
Some People Say

Some people say that filling animals with helium is wrong..

I say, "whatever floats your goat"

Retread
05-03-2017, 11:24 PM
The Genie

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where no one but beautiful & lonely women reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females fighting over him. He then tells the genie his third and last wish.

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Retread
05-17-2017, 11:47 PM
Ad From The Atlanta Journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Hug me and I'm yours.Call (404) 875-**** and ask for Daisy.


Thousands of men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Retread
06-01-2017, 11:12 PM
Second Thoughts
Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofver dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimminy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In."

Retread
06-06-2017, 05:52 PM
Just Kids Talking

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food.

My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?"

Retread
06-06-2017, 05:53 PM
Crooked As Could Be

The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue.

The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Retread
08-14-2017, 10:35 PM
Daisy Says To Dolly.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.

‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy

Retread
08-14-2017, 10:36 PM
Teacher Teacher Don't Be Fooled

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?".

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

Retread
08-25-2017, 09:22 PM
Dentist Office.

A young man walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on."

Retread
09-28-2017, 10:22 PM
Social Worker

A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia

She was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Retread
10-08-2017, 09:13 PM
What's The Difference?

What's the difference between the government and the mafia?

The Mafia is organized

Retread
10-09-2017, 09:30 PM
Incestuous Hotdogs?

Did you hear about the incestuous hotdogs?

They say they're in bread.

Retread
10-16-2017, 10:27 PM
Delivering Babies

Two storks are sitting in their nest, a father stork and his son. The son is asking his father where his mother went. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

"Bringing babies?" the son asked.

"That's right," the father replied. "That's our job."

"Wow! I want to do that!" the son replied.

The next night, it's the father's turn to make deliveries.

"Is Dad delivering babies too?" the son asked.

"That's right," the mother answered. "He's bringing new joy to mommies and daddies."

"I want to do that!" the son replied.

The next day, the father and mother discussed it and decided the son could make a delivery. "We're going to let you try," the father said to his son. "This is what you do. The baby will be wrapped in cloth. Hold the cloth in your beak like this. Then you just deliver it to the proper location. Can you do that?"

"I can!" the son replied. They sent him on his way.

Hours passed and the son still had not come back. The parents were getting worried.

He finally came back. "What took you so long?" the mother asked. "Did you make the delivery?"

"Yes," the son replied. "Sorry I took so long. I was just having some fun scaring college students!"

Retread
10-18-2017, 09:47 PM
Farm Excursion

Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?

David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.

Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f**kers?

David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.

Mother: But who said they were called, er, f**kers?

David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.

Retread
10-27-2017, 10:38 PM
How Many Mystery Writers?

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Retread
10-27-2017, 10:39 PM
Scaring Men

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is.