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07-14-2016, 11:21 AM
If an Eskimo makes reference to a Yeti sighting, is that an optical Aleutian?

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07-18-2016, 10:21 AM
The greatest thing about a dog is that they are always satisfied with a pat answer.

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07-21-2016, 08:55 AM
The anagram for “dormitory” is “dirty room.”

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07-22-2016, 10:21 AM
The words “cough,” “through,” “rough” and “though” do not rhyme; but for some reason, the words “pony” and “bologna” do.

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07-26-2016, 10:17 AM
I got tired of waiting for the bluebird of happiness to show up.


I bought the blueberry cheesecake of happiness instead.

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07-27-2016, 10:17 AM
I went to a dentist once and did really well.


Then he said, “Don’t worry, this is just a drill.”

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07-29-2016, 10:39 AM
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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08-01-2016, 09:37 AM
I used to have a job at a calendar factory. I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

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08-01-2016, 09:41 AM
So far, this has been one of my better days. Of course I've only been up for 10 minutes.

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08-01-2016, 03:37 PM
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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08-01-2016, 03:38 PM
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

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08-01-2016, 03:39 PM
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

(I heard it was a protractor and a compass)

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08-01-2016, 03:39 PM
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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08-01-2016, 03:39 PM
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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08-01-2016, 03:40 PM
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

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08-01-2016, 03:40 PM
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

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08-01-2016, 03:40 PM
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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08-01-2016, 03:40 PM
A backward poet writes inverse.

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08-01-2016, 03:41 PM
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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08-01-2016, 03:41 PM
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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08-05-2016, 10:42 AM
I don't fear change, I need every penny I can get.

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08-07-2016, 12:29 PM
There is a real problem going to work in a calendar factory.

You go to work knowing your days are numbered.

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08-08-2016, 09:56 AM
Why do magicians do well in school?


They are good at trick questions.

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08-11-2016, 10:29 AM
What do you call a man with no nose and no body?

Nobody nose.

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08-12-2016, 09:45 AM
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

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08-13-2016, 10:31 AM
Do you know how many Indian food jokes I know?

Naan!

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08-15-2016, 10:16 AM
What is it called when a cartoon show temporarily halts production?

Suspended animation.

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08-15-2016, 09:42 PM
They said I should follow my dreams

So I went back to sleep..

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08-20-2016, 10:07 AM
A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of three. “Uno, dos ...” — and then, poof, he disappears without a tres.

Elspeth
08-20-2016, 02:40 PM
A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of three. “Uno, dos ...” — and then, poof, he disappears without a tres.

Groan.....

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08-20-2016, 03:00 PM
Groan.....

Pay attention Admin. That's two new emojis we need.

Rimshot and Groan

Elspeth
08-20-2016, 03:03 PM
Pay attention Admin. That's two new emojis we need.

Rimshot and Groan

Tell me we have a chance of getting at least one of them....

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08-23-2016, 11:35 AM
I once dated a podiatrist but we got off on the wrong foot. I didn't toe the line so she called me a heel and gave me the boot.

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08-25-2016, 07:14 PM
There are two typos of people in the world...

... those who proofread, and those who don't.

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08-26-2016, 09:59 AM
Why do Orcas migrate?

For the halibut.

If you have any more sea-going zingers, let minnow.

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08-26-2016, 04:05 PM
I always dreamed of running away from home and being an electrician

I just wanted to join the circuits

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08-26-2016, 04:06 PM
I can't wave hello any more

My wave function has collapsed

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08-26-2016, 04:06 PM
I don't think butterflies have long term goals.

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08-26-2016, 04:07 PM
Said one mosquito to another......

We've gotten about all we can by drilling. What do you know about fracing?

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08-31-2016, 06:32 PM
When electrical engineers go on vacation, the going away sign reads:

“Hangin’ with my ohmies”

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09-09-2016, 10:48 AM
A German orders a martini.

“Dry?” asks the bartender.

“Nein, just one.”

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09-11-2016, 10:30 AM
One day, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans got into a battle.

Who won?

Neither.

They tide!

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09-12-2016, 09:40 AM
I taught our dog to sweep the floor. I noticed one day that he skipped his chore. When I asked him about it, he told me that he did sweep the floor that day. I didn’t press the issue: Sometimes it is best to let sweeping dogs lie.

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09-27-2016, 12:15 PM
Let's just say that those who create roses in ornamental iron want to stop and smelt the flowers.

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09-28-2016, 06:54 PM
A new bread store opened in my neighborhood. It’s name is “The Bread Pitt.”

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10-05-2016, 10:52 AM
The symphony has had to disband. There’s no violins allowed in the workplace.


(Violence)

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10-10-2016, 10:10 AM
freezer burn: It’s the two kinds of weather we have in Texas.

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10-11-2016, 11:33 AM
Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.