View Full Version : Onward

11-30-2016, 10:45 AM
My mind works like lightning. One flash and it’s gone!

11-30-2016, 10:48 AM
A man visiting a furniture factory fell into the upholstery machine.

He’s fully recovered now.

12-01-2016, 11:28 AM
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.

12-02-2016, 01:45 PM
They have just found the gene for shyness.

They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

12-03-2016, 10:08 AM
The worst thing about holiday parties is having to spend the entire next day after looking for a new job.

12-04-2016, 01:25 PM
If the Earth’s human population held hands around the equator, a large portion would drown.

12-06-2016, 01:40 PM
I weigh 220 pounds on Earth, but according to Scientific American, I would only weigh 83 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m just on the wrong planet.

12-07-2016, 10:39 AM
If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road!

12-07-2016, 11:04 AM
I tried to donate my body to science but they rejected it.

12-09-2016, 11:05 AM
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

12-10-2016, 11:29 AM
I have no problem with people speaking their minds.

The problem is having to listen to them.

12-11-2016, 10:46 PM
My new smart phone has helped me lose weight.

I haven't been able to afford food in weeks.

12-12-2016, 11:37 AM
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

12-16-2016, 11:44 AM
A man usually feels better after a few winks.

Especially if she winks back.


On a personal note-

A greatly un- and under-appreciated activity!

12-19-2016, 11:03 AM
I don’t trust people that do acupuncture; they’re backstabbers.

12-20-2016, 06:39 PM
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

12-21-2016, 11:37 AM
A friend told me he had worked as a mime for the past 10 years.

I told him, “You sure kept quiet about that.”

12-23-2016, 11:54 AM
It’s all right to begin at the bottom — except when learning to swim.

12-26-2016, 11:37 AM
I threw a party for my introvert friends, and no one came.

12-27-2016, 11:28 AM
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

12-28-2016, 11:27 AM
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12-29-2016, 11:10 AM
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

12-31-2016, 12:33 AM
I took a self-help course online.

I flunked.

ralph wiggum
12-31-2016, 12:38 AM
I took a self-help course online.

I flunked.
A great Carlin line... Paraphrasing

If you need self help, why do you need somebody else? That's called help!

01-02-2017, 11:01 AM
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

01-04-2017, 11:47 PM
I went to my doctor the other day. My symptoms were that every time I close my eyes I saw ducks, rabbits, cats, deers, elephants, dogs and pretty birds.

The doctor told me not to worry — it’s just Disney spells.

01-06-2017, 12:11 PM
A lot of money is tainted.

Taint yours and taint mine.

01-07-2017, 12:03 PM
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

01-12-2017, 11:16 AM
I used to wake myself up with my own snoring.

Not anymore! Now I sleep in another room.

01-12-2017, 12:33 PM
Just glad I was not drinking a cuppa coffee when I read this one!!:biggrin-new::biggrin-new::biggrin-new:
This one sounded "classic Yogi Berra"!!

01-13-2017, 11:28 AM
Just glad I was not drinking a cuppa coffee when I read this one!!:biggrin-new::biggrin-new::biggrin-new:
This one sounded "classic Yogi Berra"!!

Yup, cleaning a coffee-soaked keyboard is tough.

01-13-2017, 11:29 AM
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had two candy bars fall down at once from the vending machine.

01-17-2017, 01:01 PM
A gal just texted me: “What does ‘idk’ stand for?”

I text back: “I don’t know.”

She replied: “OMG, nobody does!”

01-19-2017, 12:50 AM
My boss: "Send me some funny messages"

Me: "I can't - I'm working right now"

My Boss: "LOL, send another one"

01-19-2017, 11:54 AM
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means!?

It’s not the end of the world!

01-20-2017, 11:18 AM
I use to have a handle on life, but it broke.

01-22-2017, 11:01 PM
You never appreciate what you have until its gone.

Toilet paper is an excellent example.

01-24-2017, 12:22 PM
I don't exercise.

I'm a member of the fitness protection program

01-25-2017, 09:45 PM
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

01-26-2017, 09:52 AM
I never get anything done when I think, it's too distracting.

01-26-2017, 11:16 AM
To listen to the ladies at the next table over, you would believe that jumping to conclusions and pushing your luck will be the next great aerobic workouts.

01-27-2017, 11:04 AM
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom

— until they’re flashing behind you.

01-28-2017, 11:02 AM
At work, someone left a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge with a note that said, “Don’t eat me!” Now there is an empty plate in the fridge with a note that says, “Don’t tell me what to do!”

01-31-2017, 12:12 AM
Never marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them.

02-01-2017, 10:37 AM
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

02-01-2017, 05:34 PM
Clyde got laid off at the "Porta-Potty" company.

They sent him a Dear John letter.

02-02-2017, 11:03 AM
Sunglasses allow you to stare at other people without getting caught.

It’s like Facebook but real.

02-03-2017, 10:34 AM
Arguing with my wife is like reading the software license agreement.

In the end, I ignore it and click, “I agree.”

02-05-2017, 12:39 PM
I was a three letter man in college.

C, D and F.

02-05-2017, 12:41 PM
I was such a copycat in school.

But it seems I was always copying from the wrong cats.

02-06-2017, 11:28 AM
I recently purchased the “senior edition” of the Toyota Corolla.

The message on the passenger side mirror reads, “Objects in mirror wish you would speed up.”

02-09-2017, 11:19 AM
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics, and your opponents will do it for you.

02-09-2017, 11:41 AM
The boss transferred me from the shipping room to the mail department.

He said they were spending too much money on bubble wrap.

02-10-2017, 11:35 AM
When I was a kid, I asked God for a bike. But I know God doesn’t work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.

02-11-2017, 11:10 AM
This one is older than I am but it's still phunny.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

02-14-2017, 12:36 PM
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

02-16-2017, 01:06 PM
I have a friend who visits London regularly. He always gets a haircut at a local barber shop.

It's called “British Hairways.”

02-17-2017, 11:36 AM
I exercised all my tummy fat away.

It’s behind me now.

02-17-2017, 01:21 PM
Stand up and be counted.

But watch out for low ceilings.


02-18-2017, 11:47 AM
I needed a job so badly that I decided to interview for a job at a bakery.

The interviewer asked me if I had any baking experience.

I replied, “Yes, I made toast this morning.”

02-22-2017, 10:58 AM
I must be getting old.

I'm beginning to like elevator music.

-The Born Loser

02-23-2017, 10:33 AM
My mother taught me religion.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet!”

02-24-2017, 11:07 AM
I don’t think we get any smarter as we get older; we just run out of stupid stuff to do.

02-25-2017, 10:53 AM
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

02-27-2017, 12:30 AM
I had to quit dating that opera singer.

Even when she was practicing it was always mi-mi-mi-mi-mi.

02-27-2017, 10:20 AM
I know a man who left his entire fortune to benefit earthquake research.

He was generous to a fault.

03-02-2017, 10:52 AM
They had to change the name of the local amusement park from Candyland to Cavityland.

It was tooth in advertising.

03-03-2017, 12:07 PM
I used to be top banana, but I seem to have lost my appeal.

03-04-2017, 10:54 AM
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

03-04-2017, 11:24 AM
So what have you been up to Doc?

I attended a fascinating lecture on diarrhea last night. It was a running commentary.

03-05-2017, 12:10 PM
The only folks who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

03-05-2017, 01:06 PM
Its not whether you win or lose.....

It's how you lay the blame.

03-05-2017, 04:38 PM
Uncle Fred came home late last night and aunt Ima threw her copy of Canterbury Tales at him.

Now he's telling everybody he had an encounter with a flying Chaucer?

03-05-2017, 06:06 PM
The only man whoever got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

03-07-2017, 10:33 AM
Anyone who wears camouflage really stands out.

03-08-2017, 10:51 AM
My wife hasn’t told me what my new year resolutions are yet.

03-08-2017, 08:56 PM
I hired on at sales but when I couldn't sell anything, they made me regional manager.

03-09-2017, 10:54 AM
I looked up the word “déjà vu” in the dictionary.

It said, “Didn’t you look up this word before?”

03-09-2017, 11:49 AM
A recent survey found that six of the seven dwarfs aren't happy.

03-10-2017, 10:39 AM
Bad singers break into song because they can’t find the key.

03-11-2017, 10:45 AM
I own stock in a paper shredder company.

I don’t know how it is doing.

I’m still trying to piece together the annual report.

03-13-2017, 11:05 AM
Some things are just better left unsaid.

And I usually realize it right after I say them.

03-14-2017, 10:27 AM
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

03-15-2017, 11:05 AM
I'm slowly getting to the point where I've seen it all, heard it all and done it all.

Soon, I'll be where I can't remember any of it.

03-16-2017, 10:18 AM
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

03-17-2017, 10:23 AM
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

03-20-2017, 10:49 AM
I believe that we should all pay our taxes with a smile.

I tried, but they wanted cash.

03-21-2017, 11:35 AM
My wife and I always compromise.

I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

03-23-2017, 05:00 PM
I'm a sound sleeper.

I snore.

03-25-2017, 10:40 AM
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

03-25-2017, 10:53 AM
I have an agenda.

But I can't find it.

03-27-2017, 08:58 AM
There was a turf was down the street yesterday.

Home Depot ran out of sod.

03-28-2017, 10:26 AM
Why don’t people remain silent instead of saying, “I am speechless?”

03-28-2017, 07:35 PM
I'm trying to get the kid next door to quit grumbling under his breath.

I told him it's just a case of mind over mutter.

03-31-2017, 10:31 AM
There are times when my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

04-02-2017, 11:02 AM
Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

04-03-2017, 10:08 AM
Make love, not war.

Or, get married and do both.

04-04-2017, 10:45 AM
At my age, the only way I’ll have a smoking-hot body is to be cremated.

04-04-2017, 11:33 AM
Guy1: My wife treats me like a god.

Guy2: So she woeships and obeys you?

Guy1: No, she ignores me until she wants something.

04-05-2017, 10:14 AM
I was going to quit all of my bad habits this year, but then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.

04-06-2017, 10:25 AM
There are two kinds of people: early birds and those who want to kill the early birds.