View Full Version : He & She

12-20-2016, 08:38 PM
A Husband Texts His Wife

A husband texts his wife after being involved in a severe accident. "Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Cathy brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong. It may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Response: Who is Cathy?

01-01-2017, 01:46 PM
She: “Whatcha doing?”

He: “Nothing."

She: “But you did that yesterday."

He: “I wasn’t finished."

01-04-2017, 11:34 PM
A woman searches for something in the living room.

After an hour of searching, she asks her husband; Have you seen my book?

Which one?

How to live to become 100 years old.

Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

But why?

Your mother started reading it...

01-10-2017, 10:43 AM
He: “Waitress, there’s a fly in my alphabet soup!”

She: “That’s no fly. That’s a spelling bee.”

01-19-2017, 12:42 AM
Mom: "What was the first thing you learned in class?"

Son: "How to talk without moving my lops."

02-08-2017, 03:07 PM
He: I'll bet you would go out with me if I were rich.

She: Never

He: I don't believe you.

She: Tell you what, come back and see me when you're rich and I'll prove it.

02-08-2017, 03:09 PM
She: Hello sweetheart. What did you do at work all day?

He: Oh, nothing much.

She: And that took all day?

03-17-2017, 11:32 AM
She: You didn't get that job with the dummy corporation?

He: Nope, they said I was over-qualified.

03-18-2017, 10:14 AM
He: The TV remote control quit working!

She: That's the garage door opener.

03-19-2017, 06:36 PM
He - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She - Well, you succeeded.

03-19-2017, 06:37 PM
He - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

03-30-2017, 10:57 AM
He: How do you get to the main highway from here?

She: Damned if I know.

He: You do live here don't you?

She: If I knew how to get to the main highway, I wouldn't.

04-13-2017, 12:47 PM
He: I'd like to take you out.

She: I've been thinking about taking you out but finding a good hitman is hard.

05-15-2017, 02:03 PM
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

05-15-2017, 06:31 PM
My grandpa used to say a woman needs to provide heat in winter and shade in summer.

But he never said it when grandma was close by.

06-08-2017, 09:55 AM
He: That's odd. The last time I wore these socks, I had a hole in the right one. Today I have a hole in the left one.

She: Maybe you got your feet on backwards.

06-23-2017, 11:36 AM
She: At what point in growing older did it come to a point of giving up your vices?

He: If it meant giving up my vices, what would be the point of growing older?

08-31-2017, 11:23 AM
She: Honey, I have good news and bad news.

He: (sigh) Okay, let me hear the good news first.

She: Our insurance will cover it.

09-17-2017, 08:38 PM
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

10-15-2017, 12:21 PM
She: Do you have any idea what a closet is for?

He: Yeah. That's where I hang my clothes when I run out of doorknobs.