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Phillygirl
11-29-2008, 07:36 PM
My first thought when I hear there has been a death in someone's family is "what should I cook for them?" It's just something that my family always did. I guess preparation for people coming in and out of the house to visit with the family.

My partner's mother-in-law died yesterday. They won't really be having visitors in the house, as all the arrangements will be taking place about 2 hours away (even though she lived with them). But I figured his wife won't be up for cooking while she's running around making all the arrangements.

So, I just made some manicotti and meatballs for them (I had to make two separate batches of sauce, as his wife and daughter are vegetarians).

Do you cook when someone has died?

Bubba Dawg
11-29-2008, 07:47 PM
No Question. You cook. I couldn't imagine otherwise.

You take food to the grieving family. You don't impose, but you engage the family, draw them back from the isolation of grief and back into the fellowship of friends, family and neighbors.

It's what you do.

We recently had a death in our family, and you can't imagine how good it is to be with others at such a time, and to feel the support.

Cook something Philly. Your instincts are right.

patriot45
11-29-2008, 07:48 PM
You know, I was never in that position to have to do that, but manicotti and meatballs is a lotta work!

I guess if I had to It would be something simpler, like store bought. Its the thoght that counts.

Phillygirl
11-29-2008, 07:50 PM
You know, I was never in that position to have to do that, but manicotti and meatballs is a lotta work!

I guess if I had to It would be something simpler, like store bought. Its the thoght that counts.

I have done that as well...just throw together some pre-cooked turkey and gravy and potatoes, so that there is a meal there that they don't have to worry about preparing.

But today I had time, so manicotti and meatballs it was.

Phillygirl
11-29-2008, 07:52 PM
No Question. You cook. I couldn't imagine otherwise.

You take food to the grieving family. You don't impose, but you engage the family, draw them back from the isolation of grief and back into the fellowship of friends, family and neighbors.

It's what you do.

We recently had a death in our family, and you can't imagine how good it is to be with others at such a time, and to feel the support.

Cook something Philly. Your instincts are right.

Yes, being with people at that time is good. Luckily, they had the entire extended family over the day before for Thanksgiving. The one grandchild in London wasn't there for it, but even the one in Afghanistan was home. Nice that everyone got to spend a little time with her before she passed.

patriot45
11-29-2008, 07:58 PM
I have done that as well...just throw together some pre-cooked turkey and gravy and potatoes, so that there is a meal there that they don't have to worry about preparing.

But today I had time, so manicotti and meatballs it was.

Ya got me thinking. If it was someone close, I guess I would cook something they would have appreciated, and held in my regard!
For someone else I think I would go store bought and hope they would say, thanks!

But you are correct , that any food cooked for the bereaved would be welcome. It does not have to be fancy.

asdf2231
11-29-2008, 07:58 PM
I have unfortunately pondering this one for most of the afternoon. :(

Depends on how well I know the folks and weather they have kids.

patriot45
11-29-2008, 08:04 PM
Dang, Asdf #s, Im going to help out Linda #s here! Its Whether, not weather! :D

Phillygirl
11-29-2008, 08:05 PM
I have unfortunately pondering this one for most of the afternoon. :(

Depends on how well I know the folks and weather they have kids.

When my grandfather died I was absolutely amazed at the amount of food at my grandmother's house. It could have easily fed an army. Since my immediate family lived out of town from her, and everyone of course gathered at her house, it was nice that she didn't have to worry about fixing something for everyone as we arrived. Plus, she was Italian...there was no way you could enter the house (even if you were the newspaper boy collecting your weekly pay) without her offering you a bite to eat. I know I really appreciated that she didn't have to worry about that at that time.

linda22003
11-29-2008, 10:12 PM
Dang, Asdf #s, Im going to help out Linda #s here! Its Whether, not weather! :D

Thank you for looking out for my interests. And as they say in "Being Dead is No Excuse: the Southern Lady's Guide to the Perfect Funeral":

If a woman in the south is seen getting out her deviled egg platter, the first response is, "Who died?"

RobJohnson
11-30-2008, 02:36 AM
So, I just made some manicotti and meatballs for them (I had to make two separate batches of sauce, as his wife and daughter are vegetarians).



You did a great thing for the family.

It's always a tough time for families.Taking the time to cook for them says more then a million words ever could.

SaintLouieWoman
11-30-2008, 10:48 AM
Ya got me thinking. If it was someone close, I guess I would cook something they would have appreciated, and held in my regard!
For someone else I think I would go store bought and hope they would say, thanks!

But you are correct , that any food cooked for the bereaved would be welcome. It does not have to be fancy.

You're right. It would be nice. No one in my family seems to do it. When my mom died, I did the cooking, which wore me out. I had quite a few people to my house after the funeral service. Between staying in her room for the four days she was in a coma, making all the arrangements, cleaning the house and getting the food together, I was beyond stressed.

It's a lovely gesture that would have been so appreciated if anyone had helped.

GrumpyOldLady
11-30-2008, 11:48 AM
If I cooked when people died - then more people would die.

No seriously - I don't cook very well. I just do the bare essentials.

I buy gift cards to restaurants or I buy a fruit basket or something like that.

Phillygirl
11-30-2008, 12:00 PM
If I cooked when people died - then more people would die.

No seriously - I don't cook very well. I just do the bare essentials.

I buy gift cards to restaurants or I buy a fruit basket or something like that.

I think those are really thoughtful ideas. There are so many flowers at funerals, and not much to do with them afterwards. The spouse of a college friend recently died. We sent her a plant so that she had something that would be still alive after all was done. It was the suggestion of one of our other friends who said she really appreciated the one she received when her mom died, as she still has it, and it reminds her of her mom whenever she looks at it.

SaintLouieWoman
11-30-2008, 12:39 PM
I think those are really thoughtful ideas. There are so many flowers at funerals, and not much to do with them afterwards. The spouse of a college friend recently died. We sent her a plant so that she had something that would be still alive after all was done. It was the suggestion of one of our other friends who said she really appreciated the one she received when her mom died, as she still has it, and it reminds her of her mom whenever she looks at it.

When my mom died, received many flowers, but the plants were a nice reminder of my mom. The plants have long since died, but now I keep her memory alive by taking the dogs to the nursing home where she had died to do their pet therapy work. I still see many of the same nurses there, and from time to time they'll mention my mom.

Bubba Dawg
11-30-2008, 01:17 PM
When my mom died, received many flowers, but the plants were a nice reminder of my mom. The plants have long since died, but now I keep her memory alive by taking the dogs to the nursing home where she had died to do their pet therapy work. I still see many of the same nurses there, and from time to time they'll mention my mom.


I think I remember you or SR posting pictures of a visit to the nursing home with the dogs. Very nice.

Jumpy
11-30-2008, 05:13 PM
I haven't had the opportunity to cook for anybody nearby when someone dies.

I do cook when someone has a baby though. I soooo appreciated when friends did that for me. The key is to drop the meal off and leave. Visit later.

djones520
11-30-2008, 05:32 PM
I've never been in a situation where we could provide much support for a family when someone has died, but there has been a couple times where we've had friends wounded or what not. Just a couple weeks ago my wife had a friend whose husband was wounded pretty badly. The AF wasn't giving out much info on what happened, but they had to pack real quick so they could be flown to Germany. We lended them luggage and stuff to make it easier for them.

I think it's a pretty general thing though for cooking for deaths (and births). At least from what I've seen.

Phillygirl
11-30-2008, 08:03 PM
When my mom's garage burned down, her neighbor brought over a huge platter of food. I remember thinking "it was the garage, not the kitchen!". But really, it was just nice with all that was going on, ot have one less thing to think about, especially since it was a holiday weekend and things were hectic as it was. So having a meal there that you didn't have to think about was nice.

I've just seen other people sort of look surprised when I've given them food when they've had a death in the family. It's just something that my grandmother was always tut-tutting about...someone dies, you cook. It's just the way it is.

Perhaps it's a way to feel useful when you feel like there is nothing to say or do to make things better.

Phillygirl
11-30-2008, 08:05 PM
I haven't had the opportunity to cook for anybody nearby when someone dies.

I do cook when someone has a baby though. I soooo appreciated when friends did that for me. The key is to drop the meal off and leave. Visit later.

I imagine that is really appreciated. When my sister had hers (and when she was bedridden), I remember grocery shopping and cooking for her, as well as cleaning her house. Although when she piped up from the sofa bed in the family room that I had "missed a spot", that was a bit irritating! :p

Goldwater
11-30-2008, 08:08 PM
I approve of cooking for sad people.

Bubba Dawg
11-30-2008, 08:10 PM
I imagine that is really appreciated. When my sister had hers (and when she was bedridden), I remember grocery shopping and cooking for her, as well as cleaning her house. Although when she piped up from the sofa bed in the family room that I had "missed a spot", that was a bit irritating! :p

You only missed one spot? :p

Phillygirl
11-30-2008, 08:14 PM
You only missed one spot? :p

That she noticed! :p

linda22003
12-01-2008, 08:19 AM
There's an exception to cooking for the bereaved, though. Right after my mother's death, part of my job was to fend off well-meaning ladies at the door who were "bringing a dish" for my father; this often involved that very odd "salad" with citrus, sour cream, coconut and marshmallows. :eek:

noonwitch
12-01-2008, 11:33 AM
Yes, I usually make either one of my desserts or I make a spinach pie. People really like the latter.

M21
12-01-2008, 12:30 PM
I thought this was just a southern tradition. I know that it's just what you do in the south when somebody passes.

It's along the lines of slowing down when you pass their house and pulling off the side of the road for the funeral procession or stopping and taking off your hat if your walking until the procession passes. I'm an old school guy like that.

ralph wiggum
12-01-2008, 12:56 PM
I thought this was just a southern tradition. I know that it's just what you do in the south when somebody passes.

It's a midwestern thing too. When I went home for my grandmother's funeral last year, my mom's kitchen was filled with food. I think I answered the door about a dozen times for well-wishers bringing food.

noonwitch
12-01-2008, 01:04 PM
It's a midwestern thing too. When I went home for my grandmother's funeral last year, my mom's kitchen was filled with food. I think I answered the door about a dozen times for well-wishers bringing food.


Definitely it's a midwestern thing-even when there is going to be a catered funeral reception, everyone still makes food for the family of the deceased to bring home-so they can grieve and not have to worry about cooking for a few days.

Milly
12-01-2008, 02:32 PM
"Neighbors bring food with death, and flowers with sickness, and little things in between."

Scout Finch

FlaGator
12-01-2008, 03:23 PM
I guess it depends on how long they've been dead.