Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90-years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done"
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
Your stuff is so funny, so bad, and so-o-o-o good for the soul!
You cheer me up, when I need a good laugh!
And, btw ... I am not from the south even 'tho I live here now ... and I just LOVE grits!!! And yes, they taste just as good fried, when left over ... if there are any, that is! :D
Thanks! ~ ABC
Have you gotten into the conversations of the Southern Belles and watched them tear someone completely down with the full agreement of the crowd?
What I speak of is the use of the term "poor thing". i.e.
“She cain’t cook a lick, poor thing.”
I’m going huntin’ a list of these……….
Not yet. Most folks and friends we have met around here in this little town, are from Florida, just as we are.
Don't really know any women like that. Don't really think I'd like to either, thanks! :)
Still love Southern cooking and food, however!!!
What in the world is not to love about southern food/ cookin?
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.. Only The
Good Die Young..
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna.. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
for not rising..
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease..
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be..
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
“Poor thing looks like she got dressed in the dark, bless her heart.”
“Poor thing. He's so buck-toothed, he could eat corn through a picket fence, bless his heart.”
*) It's been hotter'n a goat's rear in a pepper patch.
*) He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. (Bless his heart)
*) Have a cup of coffee--it's already been saucered and blowed.
*) She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
*) It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
*) My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
*) He's as country as cornflakes.
*) This is gooder'n grits.
*) Busier than a moth in a mitten!
A Northern fairytale begins with: “Once Upon A Time.”
A Southern fairytale begins with: "Y'all ain’t gonna believe this."
A northern zoo has on each cage the common name, the scientific name and the country of origin for each animal.
The southern zoo has the same ..... plus a recipe.
And if you like these it'll make me happy as a dead pig in sunshine.
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions:
First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the
Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?
Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our neighbor's son ran away.
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
[SIZE="2"]A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with
email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman from Washington, DC", says Bud..
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy." You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."