The LARK program
I'm not sure if this goes here - it's a FUNNY email that I got and I thought I'd share it -
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House
complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent
(terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay . She
received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Quida detainees currently
being held at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba .
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington .
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns
of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of
the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
have decided to place one terrorist under your personal
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally
demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be
necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you
so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these
character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that
you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that
you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may
wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)
this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form
of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for
him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around
women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he
will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered
by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and his religious beliefs' -- wasn't that
how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when
folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll
Cordially, your friend,
GEORGE W. BUSH
Washington, D.C. 20016