THINGS CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot..
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .......
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
In church on Sunday, I overheard the little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
These past couple of years have been tough.... You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite cowboy James Arness, my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite salesman Billy Mays.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.
The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building. "That's where I went to school when I was your age."
"Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender back then?"
Speaking of bartenders (and waiters) have heard 'em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink.
"Nah, I better not have one," said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. "I have the world's worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I'd leave my own chalk outline."
Ernest was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Ernest replied in astonishment. "People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?' "
The phone by my hospital bedside was driving me crazy. Every hour or so it would ring. Because I was recovering from hip surgery, I couldn't reach it. Around midnight, it started ringing again. I noticed the light was on behind one curtain in my four-bed ward. "Excuse me," I called out. "Are you ambulatory?"
"No," the answer came back. "I'm Martinez."
A dendist and a manacurists got married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Austailia - LAN down under.
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks. Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?
One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you friggin' IDIOT!"
I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland?
That's all I remember.
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months alive in a nursing home at $4,500 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good, doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,. just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
And then she asked “What is the best form of birth control after 50?”
“Nudity.” I replied.