An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."
You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike.
But you may not have heard how it was split up. After the Government bankruptcy takeover the State Department hired all the Twinkies,
the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
TRUST A PILOT
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "You have a beautiful baby... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS (some are reruns but....)
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .....
Wait for it ..... .....
It's coming ...... ......
She said .... ......:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Oh shut up, you're laughing ain'tcha????!)
TIP FROM AN OLD MAN
When you see a woman....
And want her badly....
Please consider the following....
No matter how beautiful she is.....
No matter how sexy she is....
No matter how seductive she is...
No matter how huge her breasts are...
I've completely forgotten where I was going with this...
SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME!
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system...getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it."
The Jewish Cab Driver
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keepin de money to pay for dis ride?
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!!!!
President B.H.O. has recently appointed a Golf Czar. Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective December 1, 2012.
This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2716 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.
Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
- Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every player above an 18 handicap will post only "net score" against every other player's "gross score."
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.
This is the "Right thing to do."
So, please remember; if you shoot a round of golf under par, you didn't shoot it yourself.
Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.
You need to share with everyone and anyone who made you a successful golfer.
Alabama's loss to Texas A&M
It is claimed that the Feds are looking into this; only the Bengazi probe by Congress has generated more interest.
I know many of you are perplexed that Alabama lost to Texas A&M recently and also lost its' perfect season.
Coach Nick Saban was also concerned with his team's intensity and play during the game. When reviewing the game film and finding numerous errors, especially by the upperclassmen on the team, he was really concerned.
He was visibly distraught and confused that his most veteran players were making the most errors. When he confronted them, Barrett Jones, a senior lineman, stood up and spoke for the entire team.
"Coach, we're real sorry that we let you and the University down, but after winning two championships, we just didn't want to go meet Obama for a third time."
Sabin had no response!