Headlines from 2020

[AHeneen]

I came across this and thought is was pretty good:

• Statue of Liberty renamed "Statue of Government"
• Attorney-General Ayers rolls out "Adopt a Capitalist Pig" program, in which proletarian recipient of reparation payments can select donor
• Microsoft moves its last U.S. facility to Shanghai; CNN slams "the Bush economic legacy"
• President Murtha orders provisional withdrawal of U.S. troops from pacified sectors of Utah, Idaho, and Wyoming
• Vermont man beaten to death by angry mob for placing aluminum can in paper recycling bin
• Debate continues in Congress over national family income limit; Sen. Joe-the-Plumber (R-Ohio) argues that $20K may be too low
• Saudis unhappy with allotment of only 50 seats in Congress; threaten to pull plug on financing of Democrat Party
• New York Rangers goalie struck in mammary gland by flying puck; sues opposing male player for sexual harassment
• World Court nullifies U.S. Constitution's Fourteenth "Equal Protection" Amendment, alleging it conflicts with right of oppressed to seek compensation
• Obama memoirs added to reading list of Harvard's "Great Texts of Western Civilization" course
• Man eaten alive by work of art at Brooklyn Museum's "Living Animal Collage" exhibit
• Time Magazine's "Victim of the Year" award goes to a paraplegic pygmy lesbian retarded Muslim domestically-abused welfare mother with breast cancer and AIDS
• Proliferation of icebergs in northern Atlantic threatens shipping; Al Gore blames secret ice-making machine in basement of Fox News
• Greenpeace apologizes for death of 26 children after cute orphaned polar bears were released on Puget Sound
• Farmer in Scotland sentenced to five years in prison for insulting burglar's choice of firearm
• 300 American tourists rounded up and shot in Indonesia; Secretary of State Reid dispatched to Jakarta to engage in "constructive dialogue"
• Canadian Human Rights Commission rules that a f_ee pre_s is d_ngerous f_r the pe_ple
• Boston City Council mandates that geographic distribution of restaurants must be proportional to percentage of each ethnic group in population
• French President Mohammed Abu-Gauche deports Parisian gay pride protesters to San Francisco
• Another glass ceiling shattered: The transgendered Micronesian field marshal, Fudgadunga Flukaka, appointed secretary-general of the United Nations

Link

[AHeneen]

If you follow the link, people have replied with even more great headlines (made minor edits/shortening to a couple):

• Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Passing Legislation Preventing U.S. from Manufacturing Nuclear Weapons; Obama's Signature to the Bill Pending.
• President Obama proclaims national holiday to celebrate fifth anniversary of the 28th Amendment (Repeal of the 22nd Amendment).
• Government stands fast in opposition to offshore oil drilling, as it will still take 10 years to see results which are needed now.
• Chicago dyes its river red instead of green for St. Patrick's Day. Aldermen push for it to be renamed to St. Obama's Day, a motion which is subsequently passed.
• State news outlets again revert party colors to reassociate the Red with the Democrats. Blue is changed to Pink out of respect for certain minority groups & to show greater unity in color and ideology.
• The Amish are relocated en masse to unelectrified penal colonies in Alaska because they refuse to pledge allegiance to anyone but God; they fail to accept that Obama is God.
• Global warming now global cooling: Al Gore mummified and put on display in the Red House.
• Elections Suspended. Unnecessary use of People's money, Big O proclaims
• The Republic of Texas suspends oil export to the USSA in keeping with PRC-imposed sanctions.
• Government continues opposition to offshore oil drilling, claims it will take 10 years to see results which are needed now.
• Continued brownouts plague California's electric grid after calm weather - Texas's corrupt Republican administration refuses power exports.

Only made it through comment #23 for now...