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  1. #1 Irish joke collection 
    Administrator SaintLouieWoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    MO & FL
    You Gotta Love The Irish

    The Errand

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
    each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

    When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
    the Irishman started to leave.

    "S'cuse me", said a customer,
    who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
    "what was that all about?"

    "Nothin', said the Irishman,
    "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


    Water to wine

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York
    and gets stopped for speeding.
    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
    and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says,
    "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


    The Brothel

    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beerand watching the brothel across the street.
    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
    and one of them said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

    Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
    and the other Irishman said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
    are falling' victim to temptation."

    Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
    and one of the Irishmen said,
    "What a terrible pity...
    one of the girls must be quite ill."


    Lost at Sea

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
    were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
    from a burning freighter.
    While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
    Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
    he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

    This particular genie, however,
    stated that he could only deliver one wish,
    not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter,
    Patrick blurted out,
    "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
    and immediately the entire sea turned into
    the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
    broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
    whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
    "Nice going Patrick!
    Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


    The Fall

    Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
    in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
    Struggling to his feet,
    he felt something wet running down his leg.
    "Please Lord," he implored,
    "let it be blood!!"


    You've Been Drinking Again

    An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
    The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
    So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
    He tried to stand one more time; same result.
    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
    and maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
    So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
    Again, he fell flat on his face.
    He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
    This time he managed to pull himself upright,
    but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
    as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning
    to his wife standing over him, shouting,"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

    Putting on an innocent look,
    and intent on bluffing it out he said,
    "What makes you say that?"

    "The pub just called;
    you left your wheelchair there again."
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  2. #2  
    CU's Tallest Midget! PoliCon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Pittsburgh PA
    :mad: what? my tueday thread not good enough for ya??
    Stand up for what is right, even if you have to stand alone.
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  3. #3  
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Brandon, FL
    Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and and Irish funeral?

    One less Drunk:)
    Onward Thru the Fog
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