Doug Giles, cutting and witty!


Here are a few tips I gathered for you from OJ Simpsonís and George Costanzaís bestselling book, How to Sear Your Conscience to Such an Extent That You Actually Believe the Smack Youíre Peddling is True. If you want to be respected as an amazing bunkum artiste that other politicians aspire to emulate, then you have got to work on your delivery. Check out these five points from OJ and George; perhaps they will help you better sell your yarn should things heat up and you get dragged into court for your conflicting stories.

Tip # 23. When One Lies Out of Oneís Backside, One Must Not Flail Oneís Arms Like an Angry Haitian Voodoo Queen: OJ and George recommend less demonstrative gesticulations as opposed to the bizarre floundering of your arms and phalanges that you had going on during the press conference. Yes, according to Costanza and Simpson, wild body movements set off non-ideological folksí BS detectors. So does saying ďflat outĒ too often. Watch too much protestation.

Tip # 37. When One Lies Out of Oneís Backside, One Must Not, Not Blink: If youíre going to snowball us goofy dorks, you must lose, according to OJ and George, that goggle-eyed Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, freak stare when you are angry and are lying and can tell people are not buying it. You must soften your face, bat your eyelashes a bit, and donít angrily point a crooked finger at the reporters who are simply asking honest questions.

Tip # 39. When One Lies Out of Oneís Backside, One Must Not Pace Back and Forth Like a Caged Ring-tailed Lemur. Simpson and Costanza suggest that when youíre queried and youíre going to answer with, letís say, a half truth, do not under any circumstances nervously pace like Perez Hilton did when his dad first caught him wearing his motherís panty hose with cantaloupes duct taped to his chest. It makes you look panicky and desperate. Stay calmly in place behind the lectern; itís more believable. Also, try not to wobble like a weeble when you speak. That, too, will set off even the most insensitive BS detectors.

Tip # 73. When One Lies Out of Oneís Backside, One Must Not Forget Oneís Spin. Sorry to say this, but it looked really bad last Thursday when you forgot the gobbledygook you were trying to pawn off on us and fumbled through your notes to restate your ďposition.Ē Címon sister, you must commit your truth reconstructions to memory. Memorizing your lies to such an extent that they tumble off your tongue with such verbal gloss that Chrysostom, if he were alive, would bow and kiss your ring, is indispensible when casting oneís spell.

Tip # 79. When One Lies Out of Oneís Backside, One Must Pray to Satan That The CIA Isnít Offended When One States Theyíre Full of Crap. This is a must because they could be so ticked that they drag you to court . . . then youíve gotta swear under oath and stuff, and witnesses are called . . . which might cost you your private jet and your gig as Speaker and leave you as a mere proverb of what not to be.