Ninja Home Study Course

The Thing:

By now, you're probably pretty familiar with the following scene, described in vivid detail on the front page of

That's right folks, for three easy payments, you can learn to be a fucking ninja. No longer will you be menaced by your inability to hear anything when glancing around. And if you think robberies only happen to people in stories that are loosely plagiarized from the first level of Double Dragon, Master Richard Van Donk would have you know that "out of every 334 people someone will get robbed that is scary." It's good to finally see a Ninja site that cares about the scary people of the world.

Why It Will End Badly:

Professor Van Donk lives in a world in which hiring a ninja is not only a viable option, but a "good idea" in the few seconds before a violent crime occurs. But even in that world, we have to think that if you already own a dojo, you probably won't be paying this guy to teach you Ninjitsu.

At first we thought Master Van Donk was a con man, preying on the minds and wallets of legally retarded people. But there are too many little clues that suggest a much, much sadder version of the truth that lives in the basement of a 70-year-old woman who regrets giving birth to it. There's the fact that he rounds the price of his videos off to the nearest thousandth, and that he seems genuinely surprised by a statistic he just made up off the top of his head.

Of course those clues, as well as the only good advice offered on the page to "not be fooled by made up Ninja courses," are in fine print, safely tucked away from the dim eyes of the people we're really worried about.

From: 10 Things That Will Not End Well