To Whom it May Concern – My nephew's brain
I recently received a copy of a letter from a friend that was addressed to me in as much as I consider myself to be a Liberal, a Leftist, a Social Progressive, and a supporter of Barack Obama. The letter is supposedly from a fellow named John J. Wall and since I fit 4 out of 6 of the group types John wanted to address I felt I should read his letter. Having read his letter, which I have included below for you, I felt I should respond. If you have a reaction to this, good or bad, please feel free to share, but at least cut off or customize the introduction.
Dear John, and all the other people on the ‘Right’, Republicans, Conservatives, ‘Christians’, Fascists, that you supposedly represent:
We’ve been together considerably longer than 59 years. It’s been 233 years by my math, but I forgive you because you’ve never been all that good at fact checking or math. Never the less I gather that you are frustrated. You thought, if you could just get the chance to lead the country for a while, that everyone would come to see the light, step in line, and march to the beat of your drum. That didn’t end up being the case and now your feelings are hurt.
If the last couple of months have brought you to the realization that you don’t believe in an America with freedom of speech and religion, an America that is a cultural melting pot, an America founded on a government based in democracy where all people’s points of view are heard and considered, then perhaps our differences truly are irreconcilable.
Assuming that is the case, I will consider your divorce proposal with the following changes:
First off we’re going to have to go into arbitration. We’re going to have to share Capitalism. After all, you want to give us Hollywood, which is really just a collection of greedy companies making movies, so we’re both going to be making a profit. We’re going to have to divvy up all of the companies, greedy and otherwise. I think you should hold on to Enron and Exxon and all those old school energy companies that are involved in oil and coal. You like them and they like you. We’ll work with the new school renewable energy companies. I’m also pretty certain we should hold on to the nuclear stuff too. I’ve seen how bad you are at math, and I don’t trust you to clean up after yourself.
Regarding the pharmaceutical companies, let’s be serious. You aren’t into preventative health care, you are in it for the money. You only need to hold onto Pfizer so that you can keep on getting erections until Lipitor fails to keep your arteries clean and you keel over from a heart attack. So by all means do keep Pfizer but let us hold on to the companies working on cures and prevention for common ailments the world over. If you survive the heart attack at Hooters, and let’s face it…you know you want Hooters, you can come on up and visit our hospitals that provide health care to all. We’ll try to talk you into a healthy diet and exercise program but we won’t hold our breath.
By the way, we don’t hate guns. We hate gun crime. We want to reduce it and if that means that the general public have to jump through lots of hoops or have special jobs in order to play with BIG guns, we’re okay with that. The point is, you don’t get all the guns. In fact you don’t get most of the guns. We can split them and we’ll distribute ours carefully so that the criminals in your country don’t get any of our guns.
While you are correct in your assumption that we hate war, we know that it is sometimes the price of freedom. So we’ll maintain an armed force as well, and we will care for them and protect them. We probably won’t commit them to fights over resources, preferring instead to fight for ideals. When we do commit them, they will be fully supported to the best of our country’s ability, they will know EXACTLY what they are fighting for and why, and they will know what must be achieved to end the war.
We will happily take all the people you suggest. In fact, John, if you decide to change your mind, we’ll even take you into our country. We value different points of view, just like our forefathers. In fact I’d like to encourage you to try and work with us. It’s what the Constitution and Bill of Rights is all about. Working together. To make a better country and future for generations to come.
So think on it a while before you answer. Things are tough right now, but we’ve beaten the odds before and I think we can do it again if we pay attention to each other.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Average Witty Suburban Male – A.W.S.M Productive member of society and tax payer since 1985
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you