Move over big oil and big pharma, there is a new kid on the block!
Dear Friends and Relatives,
I think you MUST read some startling research that I have done on your behalf. I wrote this last week while on vacation. I sent it to Rush after listening to his show last week, but he has not used it for the "cause" that I know of. Please share this frightening news with the nation, indeed the world. Godspeed and good luck!
My friends, listen to this: Last week, I pulled into a Shell station in Sarasota, Florida to give Senator Obama his props and inflate my tires to the prescribed rate. At $.75 per cycle (the average time required to check and properly inflate two tires), I was out $1.50 by the time I added a combined total of 13 additional psi of air to my four tires. Well, make that $1.75, considering the pay air pump swallowed one of my quarters.
Seems I had done my part to stick it to "Big Oil." Then I got to thinking, which led me to do some research. There are approximately 204,000,000 cars, trucks and SUV's on U.S. roads today. That makes 816,000,000 tires.
Conservatively, it is safe to assume that as many as 15% of privately owned vehicle tires are under-inflated, meaning 122,400,000 tires that are in need of an average of 4 psi additional air. I do not include professional trucking tires in the numbers because many of these trucks have automatic inflation devices and, for those that do not, well, their drivers are known to check inflation several times PER DAY, to save on diesel (selling at over four-and-a-half bucks a gallon).
So, if 122.4 million tires need checking and filling, at two full cycles of air per vehicle, at your average service station air pump, this means that
30.6 million vehicles must hit the air pumps now. Now, we must be sensitive to the habits of "average" tire inflating citizens. Because most people unscrew their valve stem caps and check their tire pressure while the air pump is running, two full cycles of air are usually required. In any case, it is rare that anyone gets all four tires properly inflated within one
cycle of air. With 30.6 million vehicles requiring two cycles of air at
$.75 per cycle (for a total of $1.50 per car) that's $45.9 million dollars straight into the pockets of "Big Air!"
Now, this may seem small when compared to the record profits for "Big Oil,"
one must consider that "Big Air's" profit margins are obscene at nearly 100%, with only a small amount of electricity and occasional minor pump, hose, and valve maintenance required to keep the nation's 117,000 service station air pumps working. "Big Air's" infrastructure costs are virtually non-existent when compared to "Big Oil" which operates at only an 8% profit margin due to the high cost of research, extraction, shipping, refinement, and processing required to get oil out of the ground and into gas tanks.
Think of that while you consider that "Big Air" uses the very same air that your vehicle is surrounded by while your tires are being filled! This means, my friends, that "Big Air" faces none of the stifling costs faced by "Big Oil." That translates to a direct windfall (no pun intended) profit pushing the $50 million mark as air becomes more scarce in the face of increasing demand.
Another thing not to be overlooked... not to be overlooked at all, fellow citizens of the world, is the effect that taking untold amounts of air from the global supply would have on the health of those who need air to live.
The first to perish will likely be those suffering from Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and other lung disorders, such as emphysema. This is likely to result in an increased need for oxygen bottles, which means less oxygen for the atmosphere and the inevitable, final, deadly blow to the Earth by carbon dioxide, which will find the planet easy pickins' with all that air and oxygen tied up in tires and oxygen bottles. The environmental damage could be catastrophic. Could life on Mars have come to an end at the hands of a past and alien "Big Air?" It seems that data being sent back from the Red Planet right now may suggest just such a fate.
The nation, indeed the planet, cannot afford "Big Air."
Can it afford Barack Obama's risky tire inflation scheme?
LCDR, USN (Retired)
Good to know well written satire is not dead...