Narf Article: McDonald’s To Take Over FDA
By John Roberts
Government officials are finally getting serious about cutting budgets. While McDonald’s has come under fire over the years for serving unhealthy food, one thing has become clear, it’s not killing anyone….at least, not immediately. It’s reward? Complete regulatory control over the nations food.
Senators have debated the efficacy of the regulatory process overseen by the FDA and the USDA, seeing that 5,000 people die from food poisoning each year in the United States, and none of them are by food from McDonald’s.
During the senate hearings between the FDA and McDonald’s, a spokesperson from the FDA stated, “The more people that die from food poisoning each year, the more important our Administration becomes.”A McDonald’s representative rebutted, “The more people that die from food we serve each year, the more we aren’t in business any more. Killing people is bad business, so we don’t do it.”
Bad business indeed. An incident involving Jack in the Box in 1993 nearly put the company out of business, when 6 people died and many became sick from USDA approved meat that was cooked following FDA regulations.
The FDA spokesperson argued that if companies go out of business for killing people, then the FDA would have been out of business a long time ago.
McDonald’s CEO has agreed to regulate the entire food industry in the United States for a total of $0, cutting nearly $100 billion in the federal budget from the FDA and the USDA. “The standard is set so low that I’m not sure we really have to do anything to beat last year’s numbers. Look, people are going to have to start thinking for themselves, instead of falsely believing the government has looked at and approved of every piece of food going into their mouth.”
Senator Beshower from Maryland noted that the yearly cost for food regulation is about $333 per citizen and suggested that a $333 refund be given to all 76 million people who became ill from food poisoning last year, including the 325,000 who were hospitalized. Further debate is expected on the refunds.