So I was going to the local convenience store to buy milk for widows and orphans of *HitlerHallibutonCokeSpoonMcChimpypants' illegal war against the peace loving victims of Iraq. I was wearing my "Hope For Change That Is Different From The Past Which Was Yesterday But Will Hopefully Get Better In 08" T-shirt and chanting "o-BAMA!, o-BAMA!, o-BAMA!" at the top of my lungs when suddenly 97 people jumped out of the bushes (Vishnu! I hate even applying THAT word to decent wholesome children of our mother like shrubs but you have to be open minded about SOME things.) and followed me into the store telling me how cool I was for being an Obama supporter.
As I approached the counter surrounded by the warming glow of so many smart and cheerful auras the clerk behind the counter drew himself to full attention and actually saluted me for being so progressive! As he dealt with the people in front of me I chatted with the 97 people and actually managed to convert 3 people who were Hillary supporters who were going to vote for OBAMA! but didn't love him with every fiber of their being. One of them was a swimsuit model who actually got on her knees and was yanking down my trou to Hoover me in appreciation for healing her political soul when the door opened and an icy wind of putrid hatred and ignorance wafted into the store!
It was Some Freeper Guy! I could tell because he was wearing an American flag baseball cap and a confederate flag T-shirt over his pin stripe banker's pants and $3,000 shoes. He sneered and hissed at everyone in the place and then did a farmers blow on the floor before sauntering up and getting right in my face. Now I may be an acne ridden 22 year old asthmatic virgin with an un-dropped left testicle and a steel plate in my head from where I fell out of the dorm room window after doing too many whippets, but SOMEBODY needed to put this guy in his place!
"OBAMA!" he boomed. "Ain't that that Niggrah fellah we'uns is gonna lynch for'n he commences to rapin' white wimmens in the name a SATAN?!?!"
Well that was just TOO much, let me tell you. The desk clerk looked to me for a cue and I nodded. He slipped out from behind the counter and locked the door, flipping the sign over to the closed side. I centered my Chakras and before the guy could blink I channeled the spirit of Leon Trotski and burned him to a cinder with fiery red beams of righteous progressive fury that blasted from my eyes. And to make it absolutely perfect his ashes fell to the ground in the shape of the word "HOPE"!
We all danced around his smoldering remains singing "We Shall Overcome" and then chanted in a healing circle to purify the place of his foul Freeper contamination. The store clerk came up to me and shook my hand and said "I don't know if you noticed this... But I'm an African American and I want to thank you for striking a blow for equality for my people!" I assured him that I had always been a champion of racial justice, having lived two floors down from an African American in my dorm building and actually having had a conversation with a fine gentleman who squeegeed my Prius windshield for me one time in Chicago. He cried harder after that and I grasped his head between my hands and stared straight into his eyes as I told him that all of the troubles of the world would end in November and we would all be Brothers From Another Mother and live in peace and harmony with rainbows and unicorns and tons of government grown dope.
Well friends, he swept up what was left of that Freeper Maggot and I paid for my widow and orphan milk and then to the applause of everyone there I walked proudly out of the store. I just wish I could have done more...