Thread: Shack-Up Relationships Still Cost Emotionally, Financially

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 23
  1. #1 Shack-Up Relationships Still Cost Emotionally, Financially 
    When unmarried couples split, complications follow
    By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY

    Updated 49m ago

    By Joel Page, for USA TODAY

    Daniel Emerson and his ex lived together for five years in Washington, D.C. They bought a condo together.

    But then, the cohabiting couple broke up.

    Emerson, 30, an investment analyst, moved to Boston 18 months ago and his former partner stayed in Washington. She paid most of the mortgage and they split the condo fees, he says.

    She recently moved to Denver and declined to be interviewed; Emerson says his former partner will try to find a renter for the condo, but nothing is really worked out. "At the time we purchased it, we didn't have any expectation of leaving it separately, so there was never any real discussion up front," he says.

    Emerson and a growing number of other cohabiters are finding that not being married doesn't necessarily make it easier when you split either emotionally or logistically.

    "I don't think there's any difference in how I felt after the fact, because it felt like it was a marriage," Emerson says. And when they broke up, "it still felt like it was a divorce."

    Cohabiting is a significant emotional attachment, and when you break up, "it's going to hurt a lot," says Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. "By cohabiting vs. marrying, people aren't avoiding that aspect of pain."

    And because cohabiting has become so widespread more than 60% of couples who marry today live together first, studies have found the number of court battles between former partners and the number of cohabitation agreements have increased during the past five years, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

    In a January survey of the group's 1,600 members, 48% of respondents noted a spike in court cases; 39% said the number of cohabitation agreements was rising. Most such agreements (similar to a prenuptial agreement, but with no wedding) are drawn up for unmarried, heterosexual couples, the group says, while 30% are for same-sex couples.

    For young couples who have never been married, cohabiting may seem like a hassle-free way of testing a relationship before tying the knot. And for those who already have been through a divorce, who have children or other significant assets, cohabiting may seem like a way to avoid costly legal entanglements if the relationship doesn't work out.

    More and more, such couples' assumptions are mistaken.
    More at the link.

    USA Today
    Reply With Quote  
     

  2. #2  
    From the article:

    A study published online in February in the Journal of Family Issues, based on interviews and focus groups involving 192 people in their late 20s, found marked gender differences.

    Women generally saw cohabitation as a transition to marriage, while men used terms such as "test drive" to determine whether there was potential for a longer-term relationship.

    Women used "love" as a reason to live together three times as often as men did, while men cited "sex" as a reason to live together four times as often as women did, the study found.
    LOL!
    Reply With Quote  
     

  3. #3  
    Power CUer
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    11,245
    We lived together for a year before the wedding. Our 25th anniversary will be celebrated in Italy this September.

    Your argument is invalid. :p
    "Today, [the American voter] chooses his rulers as he buys bootleg whiskey, never knowing precisely what he is getting, only certain that it is not what it pretends to be." - H.L. Mencken
    Reply With Quote  
     

  4. #4  
    Power CUer noonwitch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Warren, MI
    Posts
    11,889
    Quote Originally Posted by linda22003 View Post
    We lived together for a year before the wedding. Our 25th anniversary will be celebrated in Italy this September.

    Your argument is invalid. :p
    My sister lived with her husband for a couple of years before getting married. They are happily married 15 years later.

    But she didn't live with any guys before that. She moved in with him when she decided she was going to marry him eventually.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  5. #5  
    Quote Originally Posted by linda22003 View Post
    We lived together for a year before the wedding. Our 25th anniversary will be celebrated in Italy this September.

    Your argument is invalid. :p
    It's invalid for you - statistically, not so much. I think a lot of people do shack-up as a test drive but I'm not sure that living-together really is a good practice for marriage. Now, if your view of marriage is that it's a temporary sexual/financial union that can be dissolved pretty easily, then maybe it is a good way of determining the fit. :D
    Reply With Quote  
     

  6. #6  
    Power CUer
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    11,245
    Perhaps a better indicator is maturity level. My husband and I lived together with the understanding that we both expected it to lead to marriage, and were both 31 when we did marry.
    "Today, [the American voter] chooses his rulers as he buys bootleg whiskey, never knowing precisely what he is getting, only certain that it is not what it pretends to be." - H.L. Mencken
    Reply With Quote  
     

  7. #7  
    LTC Member Odysseus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    FT Belvoir, VA
    Posts
    15,639
    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    It's invalid for you - statistically, not so much. I think a lot of people do shack-up as a test drive but I'm not sure that living-together really is a good practice for marriage. Now, if your view of marriage is that it's a temporary sexual/financial union that can be dissolved pretty easily, then maybe it is a good way of determining the fit. :D
    Mrs. O and I lived in the same apartment building when we met, and gradually began to live together, as in, I spent more time up at her place, and my place became an office/work area. We didn't plan to cohabitate, it just sort of evolved, but I proposed one year after we met and we were married a year after that. Still, we maintained separate domiciles until we were married, and only got one home when the army moved us.
    --Odysseus
    Sic Hacer Pace, Para Bellum.

    Before you can do things for people, you must be the kind of man who can get things done. But to get things done, you must love the doing, not the people!
    Reply With Quote  
     

  8. #8  
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Lawrenceville, Georgia
    Posts
    645
    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    It's invalid for you - statistically, not so much. I think a lot of people do shack-up as a test drive but I'm not sure that living-together really is a good practice for marriage. Now, if your view of marriage is that it's a temporary sexual/financial union that can be dissolved pretty easily, then maybe it is a good way of determining the fit. :D
    I think its a good way to determine if you can be around the other person 24-7, even knowing about all their filthy habits and what she looks like without the makeup on etc., her hearing me snore and so forth. It isn't 100% but I think can give you a much better idea about what you are getting into.

    My wife and I lived together for a little over a year and have been married 10 years since.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  9. #9  
    Quote Originally Posted by pyackog View Post
    I think its a good way to determine if you can be around the other person 24-7, even knowing about all their filthy habits and what she looks like without the makeup on etc., her hearing me snore and so forth. It isn't 100% but I think can give you a much better idea about what you are getting into.

    My wife and I lived together for a little over a year and have been married 10 years since.
    Statistically, most shack-ups that end in marriage have higher divorce rates and lower marital satisfaction. People who have more than one shack-up are actually less likely to walk down the aisle.

    I don't think that normal personal habits or a lack of makeup make much difference in the long run. I do think that having very strong shared values about things like money, expectations, and future goals are really important to long-term marital success.

    Linda makes an interesting point about maturity. I dunno. I married much younger than that and I think being so young actually helped a lot. I had fewer fixed habits and fewer demands or comparisons (as was also true of my husband) so we cut each other a lot of slack and in some ways "grew up" together. I would think that marrying late means having a lot more fixed ideas that might need some modification. ;)
    Reply With Quote  
     

  10. #10  
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Lawrenceville, Georgia
    Posts
    645
    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    Statistically, most shack-ups that end in marriage have higher divorce rates and lower marital satisfaction. People who have more than one shack-up are actually less likely to walk down the aisle.
    Well I hope that's not true in my case! This was the only female I ever lived with though.

    Linda makes an interesting point about maturity. I dunno. I married much younger than that and I think being so young actually helped a lot. I had fewer fixed habits and fewer demands or comparisons (as was also true of my husband) so we cut each other a lot of slack and in some ways "grew up" together. I would think that marrying late means having a lot more fixed ideas that might need some modification. ;)
    There is something to be said for both sides. My wife and I were 31 and 26 when we married and both did have some fixed ideas. Of course being the man, only mine were in need of some "modification." :p
    Reply With Quote  
     

Bookmarks
Bookmarks
Posting Permissions
  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •