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  1. #1 Help! Anyone here know how to pass a urine test? 
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    Taverner (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 11:50 AM
    Original message

    Help! Anyone here know how to pass a urine test?

    Everyone's trying to sell the product out there, and from what I heard most solutions don't work

    Does anyone have a sure fire way to beat a urine test? I've heard of the "fake penis" method and that seems like the most fool proof, but does anyone have experience doing this"?
    Oh brudder.
    The Velveteen Ocelot (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 11:52 AM
    Response to Original message
    3. Don't use drugs or alcohol before taking the test. Sure-fire win.
    :eek: Common sense from a DUmmie?!?!
    Taverner (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 11:55 AM
    Response to Reply #3
    13. Yes I know, but let's just say I'm a heavy smoker
    and let's just say that I have a fully legal perscription
    Suuurree.
    sufrommich (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 11:58 AM
    Response to Reply #13
    19. If you have a legal prescription, what's the problem?
    Don't they ask for your list of prescriptions before the test?
    Taverner (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:15 PM
    Response to Reply #19
    47. Apparently the company doesn't honor said perscription
    Which sucks.

    I want to dump my own specimen on RReagan's goddamn grave right now...
    TA DA! It's Ronald Reagan's fault that his perspective employer doesn't want some looser pothead for an employee.

    Webster Green (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:24 PM
    Response to Reply #33
    59. I've had places that wanted to hire me, but my pot use prevented it.
    A couple of times, employers wanted me, but their insurance demanded a drug screening of employees. It was just frustrating for both of us. I tell them up front that I smoke like a Rasta and don't plan to stop.

    Once time in Florida, a temp company supplying construction workers hired me on as a metal framer, but the guy gave me 5 weeks to clean up for the test, since I told him I smoked a lot of pot. I wanted the job bad, so I chilled on the pot for awhile till I passed the test. The jobs I worked on were huge projects, and a lot of workers got baked during breaks and at lunch. The parking lot smelled like Woodstock at lunchtime.
    Yeah. Nothing like hanging steel while stoned. That's not a recipe for disaster or anything.




    By far the best post in the thread:
    Vinnie From Indy (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:25 PM
    Response to Original message
    61. You could pee on your prospective employers desk
    and tell him that if he wants to test your piss to have at it. It is very important that you slam the door on your way out while loudly humming the Battle Hymm of the Republic.
    HHHHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAAA!!!!!
    Olde-style, states' rights conservative. Ask if this concept confuses you.
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  2. #2  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    I really hope Skinner is proud of his site. One of the most active topics on a supposedly serious political discussion board is about how to pass a drug test.
    Voted hottest "chick" at CU - My hotness transcends gender
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  3. #3  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    This is a real gem:

    rfranklin (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:56 PM
    Response to Reply #10
    16. Lay off the poppy seed bagels...

    I spent 5 years in Jamesburg because I stopped in Jersey Bagel Boy on the way to the test.
    Uh, yeah right.
    Voted hottest "chick" at CU - My hotness transcends gender
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  4. #4  
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    I'm sensing a trend with Vinnie...:D

    Vinnie From Indy (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 01:07 PM
    Response to Original message
    37. About the fake penis thing
    Get the biggest one you can find. 16" to 18" usually works best if someone is watching you while you piss. Simply put the cup on the floor and whip out your gargantuan fake penis and start wizzing. Chance are the witness will be so stunned at seeing such a large penis that they will not think about whether or not it is fake. Maybe put some sort of anti-drug message on the fake penis as well. Every little bit helps. Also, make sure that you have at least a half gallon of piss stored up so at least if you fail the test there will piss all over the place. You could also turn and aim at the witness and start laughing maniacally while peeing all over them. Then make sure you zip up and tell the tester that you are not going to sit there and listen to him bad mouth the United States of America. Slam the door when you leave as well.

    Cheers!
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  5. #5  
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    SidDithers (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:58 PM
    Response to Original message

    22. K&R for any post with the phrase "fake penis" in it...

    Sid

    Sid is hilarous. :D
    May the FORCE be with you!
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  6. #6  
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    Quote Originally Posted by ralph wiggum View Post
    This is a real gem:



    Uh, yeah right.
    http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/poppyseed.asp

    In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

    In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.
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  7. #7  
    LTC Member Odysseus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JB View Post
    What if a chick needs to take the test?

    Fake vajayjay? Is that possible?
    Yes, but you have to make sure that it isn't a vibrating one, as the noise is a dead giveaway. :D
    Quote Originally Posted by djones520 View Post
    When I first enlisted I was a skinny bastard. I weighed about 10lbs UNDER the minimum weight allowance. That morning before getting leaving the hotel for the physical, I slammed a gallon of water.

    They get us in, weigh us, and take us to a room to sit down. Next in line was the drug test. After about 20 minutes, you can see a number of us starting to do a bit of a dance in our chairs. A few minutes later we're standing up just trying to think about something else. The recruiters there all know whats going on, and you could see a hint of a smile on their face. Finally, one of them spoke up and says "Ok, it's time to do a urinalyses. Who really needs to go first?" We bolted for that door. Not one of us gave it a single though that it was just 6 us us standing around a circular trough hanging out pissing into a cup with a bunch of other guys watching. I never had to pee so bad in my life. And I still needed a weight waiver. :mad:
    When I was a company commander, I set up a prank on our UPL involving smuggled apple juice. The observer was in on the gag, and watch me fill the container with the juice. When I put the bottle on the table, he asked me, "Sir, is that your specimen?" I picked it up, took a swig, said, "Yeah, I think so," and handed it to the observer. He also took a sip. We then nodded and said, "Yep, that's it." The reaction was, shall we say, epic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Articulate_Ape View Post
    Those were your SATs.
    ROFLOL!
    Quote Originally Posted by Novaheart View Post
    http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/poppyseed.asp

    In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

    In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.
    This is why I always go for the onion bagel, or garlic, if I've been watching Buffy reruns.
    --Odysseus
    Sic Hacer Pace, Para Bellum.

    Before you can do things for people, you must be the kind of man who can get things done. But to get things done, you must love the doing, not the people!
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  8. #8  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Odysseus View Post
    When I was a company commander, I set up a prank on our UPL involving smuggled apple juice. The observer was in on the gag, and watch me fill the container with the juice. When I put the bottle on the table, he asked me, "Sir, is that your specimen?" I picked it up, took a swig, said, "Yeah, I think so," and handed it to the observer. He also took a sip. We then nodded and said, "Yep, that's it." The reaction was, shall we say, epic?
    LMAO!
    Olde-style, states' rights conservative. Ask if this concept confuses you.
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  9. #9  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Novaheart View Post
    http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/poppyseed.asp

    In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

    In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.
    I had already read snopes and several related stories about how people have been fired for testing positive for opiates after ingesting poppy seeds.

    However, the doofus in question above claimed to get sent to a juvenile detention facility for FIVE years for testing positive. I don't believe that a bit.
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  10. #10  
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    Quote Originally Posted by ralph wiggum View Post
    I really hope Skinner is proud of his site. One of the most active topics on a supposedly serious political discussion board is about how to circumvent the law.
    Fixed

    Quote Originally Posted by ralph wiggum View Post
    This is a real gem:



    Uh, yeah right.
    Jamesburg is a juvenile facility in case anyone wanted to know.
    The Obama Administration: Deny. Deflect. Blame.
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