This is precisely what PCS awards are about. It's not what you did but what you are about to endure.
My sagely advice:
* Don't engage the angry wife. You can show up at your destination either inwardly angry at her and her stupid female tricks or you can show up just as angry with a hostile wife. This is why God created beer.
* The swallow thing is a tough one. Had you the foresight, you could have easily avoided this tragic encounter and saved the airmattress by simply attaching it to your windshield. You would have instantly observed its flight and cushioned the swallow's last flight. You failed in that COA thereby costing the life of an innocent swallow and an expensive air mattress. Incidentally, was this an African or Asian swallow?
* As for the kids in meltdown, another failure on your part if you'll allow??? You sir should know that to have as your plan, calm kids sans sugar is not a valid plan. No Sir! Here is the strategy:
30 minutes before departure, feed the young ones as many Snicker's bars just shy of the vomit button. When they are nearing the Hypoglycemic stage of coma, depart. They should be out for a few hours until the poop button is triggered. (It is imperative that you monitor the poop pressure gauge to coincide with your next bathroom break. Poor timing and failure at this juncture will trigger angry wife syndrome and permanent noxious odors).
Candy, coke, and ice cream are your friends. The spousal unit will not understand this so I suggest waiting until she is distracted.
I must say I am a little concerned over the Muslims at the Evil, Imperialistic, decadent American Theme parks. Are you sure they were not advance scouts plotting the destruction of this, the very decadence they despise?
Please keep us updated on your adventure. We kinda miss you around here.:D