A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer
to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides
to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound
statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.