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  1. #1 Some Fun 
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    A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly,
    the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
    The somewhat irate spouse called her husbandís cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
    Husband: "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and
    totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'."
    Wife, with a blushing smile: "Yes, of course, I remember that my Love."
    Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Baptist & The Texas Cowboy...
    A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
    After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
    The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
    The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

    "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Stay Safe for the Holidays
    Since the Christmas holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many wines and some rather nice bourbon. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
    Merry Christmas
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  2. #2 good point 
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    A motor cycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

    The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

    The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

    The surgeon walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...



    Try it with the engine running
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  3. #3 Gooduns 
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    Good Stuff as always, especially liked the heart surgeon one!!
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  4. #4  
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    Trooper's statements


    These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC" ( National Crime Information Center )

    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #5  
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    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

    The surprised pilot thought a long moment, grinned, and then threw the airman a salute.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #6 Ponderisms‏ 
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    1. There are three religious truths:
    a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

    2. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

    3. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    4. The Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

    5. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

    6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

    9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

    10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. they're cramming for their final exam.

    16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

    17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    21. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

    22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

    23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...'THEIRS'?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #7 It all began with an iPhone... 
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    March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

    I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

    Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

    My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

    It was around then that the fight started...

    What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

    This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

    I should be out of the hospital next week!!

    PS: iHurt!!!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #8 Cletus & Billy Bob 
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    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

    "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

    "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    (Don't make me come 'splain this to you!)
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #9 retardment 
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    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school.

    One child wrote the following:

    We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

    They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
    to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't
    have to mow the grass anymore!

    They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

    They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed
    because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very
    well.

    There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

    At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He
    watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

    Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night
    --- early birds.

    Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who
    do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

    My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

    When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
    let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #10  
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    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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