Thread: Some Fun

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  1. #81 Baby's First Doctor Visit 
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    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.

    'Breast-fed,' she replied..

    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

    'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',

    'But I'm glad I came.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #82 Old Man And The Beaver 
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    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 25 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

    One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
    cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #83 Dear diary 
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    DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

    All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
    Our local Women's Guild decided on this "all-girls" trip.
    It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

    Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

    At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 4


    Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

    Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
    Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

    Today I saved 1600 lives.


    Twice.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #84  
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    An elderly couple are attending church services..

    About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

    It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

    He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #85  
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    Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
    let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here
    1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #86 The Pastor's Donkey 
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    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The bishop fainted.

    He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    The bishop was buried the next day.


    The moral of the story is .. . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . Even shorten your life.


    So be yourself and enjoy life.

    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

    Have a nice day!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #87  
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    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

    "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."

    "How much do you charge?"

    "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

    "I'll sleep on it," I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

    "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup."

    "Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"



    FORGET THE SHRINKS..

    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

    May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,

    And nothing but happiness come through your door!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #88  
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    Was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls sitting at the bar.
    They both had strange accents so I said "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?"
    One of them gave me a dirty look and said, “It's WALES you bloody idiot!"
    So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”
    I get out of hospital tomorrow…..
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #89 Warning - not pc!! 
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    A Public Golf Course


    A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

    The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

    The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

    The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

    The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

    Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

    Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

    A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

    The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

    "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

    The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

    The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

    The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President.."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #90  
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    1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kristen, age 10


    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    -- Camille, age 10


    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8


    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8


    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10


    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    -When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - - Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - - Howard, age 8


    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8


    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
    -- Ricky, age 10
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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