Some Fun

[Retread]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses & camels & I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them that I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.......
Folks, we're screwed....

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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a bellybutton. In its place was a silver screw.
All the doctors told his mother there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him,
as all who saw the screw made fun of him.
He avoided leaving his house . . .
thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled.
The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The monk knew exactly why he had come.

The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.
In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver.
In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --
You could lose your ass.'


---- President Obozo is noted for screwing around with things he doesn't understand - like the economy.

That's why we are all losing our asses!

(Check your navel)

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Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly."
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

Dr. Samuel Johnson, the great eighteenth-century lexicographer, was a brilliant man but somewhat slovenly in his dress. Once he was invited to a social event given by an aristocratic lady. He showed up with his clothes in some disarray. Here's what allegedly followed:

Aristocratic lady: "Dr. Johnson, your penis is sticking out!"
Dr. Johnson: Madame, you flatter yourself. "It's HANGING out."

A British MP to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.—William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?—Ernest Hemingway (in response)

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.—Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.—Charlotte Whitton

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I'm not dumb, and also I'm not blonde.—Dolly Parton

[Retread]

A Cold Winters Morning

I got a text from home "Windows frozen".

I texted in return "Pour warm water over it."

Shortly I got the reply "Computer completely screwed up now."

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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, threw out my wine and trashed the remote.

[Retread]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.



Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[Retread]

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 and I-20 go east and west, I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8 Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

[Retread]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a
message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without
any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

The surprised pilot thought a long moment, grinned, and then threw the airman a salute.

[Retread]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older, and Smarter....

[Retread]

"When in Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

"U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

"U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify"

"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It Was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. MARINES don't have that problem."
- Ronald Reagan, President of the United States