Thread: Some Fun

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  1. #111 Eric's train ride 
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    After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

    As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

    Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

    Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #112  
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    A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

    The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. T he usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

    Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

    Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

    "Fred," the cowboy moaned.

    "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,




    "...the balcony..."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #113  
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    New Secret Service Rules

    "The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday. They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip clubs.

    The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else"!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #114  
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    "Hello?"

    "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

    After a brief pause, Daddy says,"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

    Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "I did it Daddy."

    "And what happened honey?" he asked.

    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

    ***Long Pause***

    ***Longer Pause***

    ***Even Longer Pause***




    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .................... Is this 486-5731? "
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #115 Only in America---top ten 
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    1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.

    2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black. 12% of the population is black.

    3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

    4) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

    5) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.

    6) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

    7) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

    8) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

    9) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more than it has per year for total spending of $7 million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.

    10) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #116 Blonde Moments 
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    One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cool to drink.

    Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'The blonde said it was hers.

    'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

    The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

    'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry'cause I fed her this morning.' The
    exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

    .
    ..
    ...
    ....

    The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #117 Male or Female? 
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    You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

    FREEZER BAGS:
    They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


    PHOTOCOPIERS:
    These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


    TIRES:
    Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


    HOT AIR BALLOONS:
    Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


    SPONGES:
    These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


    TRAINS:
    Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


    EGG TIMERS:
    Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


    HAMMERS:
    Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


    THE REMOTE CONTROL:
    Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #118 New Law: 
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    With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

    Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota .


    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #119 Little Akio 
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    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
    "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
    Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
    She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."
    "Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
    Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

    The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
    Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
    Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
    Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
    The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
    Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #120 SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS 
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    In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

    One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

    The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

    Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it."

    The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

    The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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