Thread: Some Fun

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  1. #131  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
    Lets have a look at the evidence:
    - No Christmas
    - No television
    - No nude women
    - No football
    - No pork chops
    - No hot dogs
    - No burgers
    - No beer
    - No bacon
    - Rags for clothes
    - Towels for hats
    - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
    - More than one wife
    - More than one mother in law
    - You can't shave
    - Your wife can't shave
    - You can't wash off the smell of donkey
    - You cook over burning camel dung
    - Your wife is picked by someone else for you
    - and your wife smells worse than your donkey
    Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
    Well no crap Sherlock!....
    It's not like it could get much worse.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #132  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, w iser alien who was standing over him shaking his big,green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #133  
    Senior Member namvet's Avatar
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    Liberals: Obama's useful Idiots
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  4. #134  
    Senior Member namvet's Avatar
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    Please Vote For My Husband!
    Remember this in November!

    For only the second time in my adult life, I am not
    ashamed of my country. I want to thank the hard
    working American people for paying $242 thousand
    dollars for my vacation in Spain.

    My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends,
    my personal staff and various guests had a wonderful time.

    Honestly, you just haven't lived until you have stayed
    in a $2,500.00 per night private 3-story villa
    at a 5-star luxury hotel.

    Thank you also for the use of Air Force Two
    and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged
    along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.
    By the way, if you happen to be visiting the Costa del Sol,
    I highly recommend the Buenaventura Plaza restaurant
    in Marbella; great lobster with rice and oysters!
    I'm ashamed to admit the lobsters we ate in
    Martha's Vineyard were not quite as tasty,
    but what can you do if you're not in Europe,
    you have to just grin and bear it?

    Air Force Two (which costs $11,351 per hour to operate
    according to Government Accounting Office reports)
    only used 47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip
    and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2.

    These are only rough estimates, but they are close.
    That's quite a carbon footprint as my good friend
    Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American
    citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and
    drive less too, so we can lessen our combined
    carbon footprint.

    I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling
    to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet.
    So I do appreciate your sacrifices and do hope you
    find work soon.

    I was really exhausted after Barack took our family
    on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago.
    I just had to get away for a few days.

    Cordially,
    Michelle (Moochelle) Obama

    PS - Thank you as well for the $2 BILLION dollar trip
    to India from which we just returned!

    PPS - Thank you, too, for that vacation trip to
    Martha's Vineyard; it was fabulous.

    And thanks for that second smaller jet that took our
    dog Bo to Martha's Vineyard so we and the children
    could have him with us while we were away from the
    White House for eleven days. After all, we couldn't
    take him on Air Force One because he might pee
    on some wires or something.

    PPPS - Oh, I almost forgot to say thanks also for
    our two-week trip to Hawaii at Christmas. That 7,000
    square foot house was great!
    PPPPS - Don't forget my ski trip to Vail this winter
    and now the girls and I are in Africa with my mom.
    All this while Barack golfs and campaigns to
    keep my trips coming for the next 4 years!
    Love Ya!
    Remember, we all have to share the pain of these
    economic times equally!
    Liberals: Obama's useful Idiots
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  5. #135  
    Senior Member namvet's Avatar
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    Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant.

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

    2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
    Liberals: Obama's useful Idiots
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  6. #136  
    Senior Member namvet's Avatar
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    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

    WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
    Liberals: Obama's useful Idiots
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  7. #137  
    Senior Member namvet's Avatar
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    Liberals: Obama's useful Idiots
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  8. #138  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    All Excellent!

    Now for some arithmetic.....

    We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called "smart" a$$ to take this exam:

    (1) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

    (2) Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
    (A) '65 Ford Fairlane
    (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
    (C) '64 Pontiac GTO

    (3) If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

    (4) A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

    (5) A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

    (6) A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

    (7) A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

    (8) With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

    I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn'tchya? It's okay if'n yall didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya, there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life. As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece ....

    ... next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them...
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #139  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The Dreaded Call

    My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

    I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

    "Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

    I said, "Of course, what is it?"

    Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you…"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #140 Do you know your hymns?? 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Dentist's Hymn ...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns

    Weatherman's Hymn .....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

    Contractor's Hymn ........................The Church's One Foundation

    The Tailor's Hymn ..........................Holy, Holy, Holy

    The Golfer's Hymn .........................There's a Green Hill Far Away

    The Politician's Hymn. ...................Standing on the Promises

    Optometrist's Hymn .......................Open My Eyes That I Might See

    The IRS Agent's Hymn ....................I Surrender All

    The Gossip's Hymn .........................Pass It On

    The Electrician's Hymn ...................Send The Light

    The Shopper's Hymn .......................Sweet Bye and Bye

    The Realtor's Hymn. .........................I've Got a Mansion Just over
    the Hilltop

    The Massage Therapists Hymn .......He Touched Me

    The Doctor's Hymn ............................The Great Physician

    AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

    45mph ...................God Will Take Care of You

    65mph ...................Nearer My God To Thee

    85mph ...................This World Is Not My Home

    95mph ....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

    100mph ..................Precious Memories
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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