Thread: Some Fun

Page 2 of 18 FirstFirst 123412 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 174
  1. #11 To all my email buddies , 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom..
    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
    I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
    I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..
    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . ..
    Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
    P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
    NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY ... AND A HEALTHY LIFE
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  2. #12 The Sneeze 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

    The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

    The man went back to his reading.

    A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

    Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

    The woman nodded, "Pepper."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  3. #13 Help!!! 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

    I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Obama's entire Cabinet!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  4. #14 Retiree thoughts 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    Question: How many days in a week?
    Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
    Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
    Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.
    Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
    Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!
    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal.
    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents..
    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
    QUESTION: What do you do all week?
    Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

    SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

    I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmarts, the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Walmarts?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

    These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

    THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  5. #15 Louisiana Ghost Story 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

    Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

    Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!

    But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.

    Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

    Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience. The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth and was not just some drunk. About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,

    "Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain!

    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  6. #16 You've got to cover all bases....... 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...

    "I'm sorry," said the maître d', as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  7. #17 Human Kindness Story.....‏ 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    This is liable to bring a tear to your eye!!
    Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
    **********
    Dear Kean Elementary:
    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.
    My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers..
    She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
    Thank you for that opportunity.
    Sincerely,
    Agnes Baker
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  8. #18  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    How do you starve an Obama supporter??
    It's really very simple, just hide their food stamps under their work shoes.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  9. #19 Dorace & Jackie 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

    'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.

    So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

    Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

    'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

    'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  10. #20 Shampoo Warning 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    I came to Texas as soon as I could
    Posts
    5,139
    Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner. Its the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

    Well!

    I have gotten rid of that shampoo. and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

    Problem Solved!!!

    If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

Bookmarks
Bookmarks
Posting Permissions
  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •