Thread: Some Fun

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  1. #31 911 Calls! 
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    Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

    Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

    Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

    Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

    ==========

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

    Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

    Dispatcher : Excuse me?

    Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

    Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

    Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

    ==========

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

    Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

    Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

    Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

    Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

    Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

    ==========

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

    Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

    Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

    Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

    =========

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1

    Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

    Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from

    Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

    Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

    Caller: No

    Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

    Caller: Running from the Police





    Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
    - Mickey Rooney
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #32  
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    A penny saved is a government oversight.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra and Acne.

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
    She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
    The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
    While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

    The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old buzzard what his name is.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #33  
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    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks For 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
    Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

    ----------------------

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

    IT READS....

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

    Soon he sees another sign which reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?'

    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

    'Very well, my son. Please follow me.

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

    The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

    This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

    GO IN PEACE.

    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

    ----------------------------------------------

    The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

    One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans .

    The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?

    Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, But we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".

    The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

    They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

    Now you understand how we got our president?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #34  
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    A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

    The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
    'WOW!' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

    'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent,
    thoroughly educated bird ..'

    'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

    'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
    reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
    physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

    The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford
    that.'

    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just makethe guy an offer!'

    The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

    One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

    'What are you talking about?' asks the man.

    'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

    'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

    'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

    'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

    'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

    Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

    'How would I know? I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #35 unemployment vs out of work 
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    COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
    ABBOTT: Good “subject” in these terrible “times.” It’s about 9%.
    COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
    ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.
    COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
    ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
    COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
    ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.
    COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.
    ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%...
    COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
    ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
    COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
    ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You
    have to look for work to be employed.
    COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!
    ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
    COSTELLO: What point?
    ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those
    who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
    COSTELLO: To who?
    ABBOTT: The unemployed.
    COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
    ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who
    are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up,
    you are no longer in the ranks of the
    unemployed.
    COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as
    less unemployment?
    ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
    COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
    ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise
    it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?
    COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
    ABBOTT: Absolutely.
    COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they’re two ways
    to bring down the unemployment
    number?
    ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
    COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
    ABBOTT: Correct.
    COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
    ABBOTT: Bingo.
    COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the
    easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
    ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #36 What Are Grits? 
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    Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets who shake the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are both lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits (except Jack Daniels) can be made from corn. Some researchers suggest that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

    How Grits are Formed:

    Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 10,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning every morning for breakfast -- not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question. Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have been shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.

    Historical Grits:

    As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard of for another 4000 years. Grits were used during that time only as a major part of secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the back seat of an old Mercedes sedan. The woman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.

    The Ten Commandments of Grits:

    I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
    II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
    III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
    IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
    V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
    VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
    VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
    VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
    IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
    X. Thou shalt always eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

    How to Cook Grits:

    For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water. Next, add salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1, Therefore, for every 10 grit, you should have 1 grain of salt. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

    How to Eat Grits:

    Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter. Do NOT use low-fat butter. The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits.

    How to make Red Eye Gravy:

    Fry salt cured country ham in a cast-iron skillet. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits. Use ONLY biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever, substitute canned or store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, tooth decay and impotence. Now begin eating your grits! Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, skim milk in your Grits. Your grits should rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.

    Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

    Leftover grits are extremely rare and may actually be only a rumor. If you do find some, spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable -- although delicious.

    BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

    May the Lord bless these grits,
    May I eat grits each day while living.
    May Yankees never get the recipe,
    And may I die while eating grits.
    AMEN

    G (GIRLS)
    R (RAISED)
    I (IN)
    T (THE)
    S (SOUTH)

    And now you know all you need to know about GRITS!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #37  
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    Father to son: "Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?".

    Little boy " I am considering being in organized crime when I grow up"

    Father replies " Private Sector or Government? I recommend Government, they don't go to Jail"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #38  
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    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won one of the greatest sporting events in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

    The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #39  
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    A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
    "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

    "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
    The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
    "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
    "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
    The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
    "Okay kid, my last offer!

    I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
    "Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of a Harley, YOU RIDE IT!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #40 Phone Repair 
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    A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

    The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

    4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


    Thought you'd like to know
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

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