Thread: Some Fun

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  1. #51  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
    *****
    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
    After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
    *****
    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
    Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
    ******
    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..
    One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
    ******
    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
    *****
    Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
    *****
    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
    Diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
    Explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
    Perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
    *****
    His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she' there" !
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  2. #52  
    Senior Member Janice's Avatar
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    http://i1220.photobucket.com/albums/dd445/JansGraphix/ConsUndergrd-Sig2.jpg
    Liberalism is just communism sold by the drink.
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  3. #53  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janice View Post
    ?????
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  4. #54 Why the cleaning woman quit 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied. ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’
    ‘They played a game they call Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’
    I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise.’ Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now, it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
    Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one of them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’


    Bridge players, unite!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  5. #55  
    Member wwworkingguy's Avatar
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    I didn't get any of that..... not a bridge player ..... I do play Buraco. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buraco
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  6. #56 Irish Birth Control 
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    Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

    She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

    The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

    She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

    The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'

    She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father... They then parted ways..

    Some years later they met again.

    The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

    She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

    The Father asked, 'And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?'

    She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'

    The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

    She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer blasted candle
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  7. #57  
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    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.""Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?""Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?""This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  8. #58 Top Ten Country & Western Songs 
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    10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

    7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

    6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

    5. I'm So Miserable without You It’s like You're Still Here

    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

    And the Number One Country & Western song is...

    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  9. #59  
    Member wwworkingguy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retread View Post
    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.""Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?""Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?""This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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  10. #60 Hello, operator 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!! (and Vote)

    Actual call center conversations!

    Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
    Can you help?'
    Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
    Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
    Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
    I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
    Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
    Number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
    Traveling in Australia ?'
    Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
    'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
    Do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Directory Enquiries
    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
    Customer: 'OK..'
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
    You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
    So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
    (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
    Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
    Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    Operator: 'Went away?'
    Caller: 'They disappeared'
    Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
    Caller: 'Nothing.'
    Operator: 'Nothing??'
    Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
    Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
    Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
    Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
    Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
    Caller: 'I don't know.'
    Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
    the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
    plugged into the wall..
    Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
    there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
    find the other cable.'
    Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
    the back of your computer..'
    Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
    Caller: 'No...'
    Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
    Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
    Operator: 'Dark?'
    Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
    coming in from the window.'
    Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    Caller: 'I can't..'
    Operator: 'No? Why not?'
    Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
    licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
    packing stuff that your computer came in?'
    Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
    Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
    up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
    the store you bought it from.'
    Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
    Operator: 'Tell them you're too durn stupid to own a computer!'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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