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  1. #61 The Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers 
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    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7 year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time --- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
    Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  2. #62 21st Century World's Shortest Books 
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    MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
    By Tiger Woods
    ____________________________________________

    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
    By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
    Illustrated by Michael Moore
    Foreword by George Soros
    ________________________________________

    MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
    & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
    By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
    ______________________________________

    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
    By Hillary Clinton
    _________________

    Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
    By Bill Clinton
    _________________

    THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
    By Bill Gates
    ____________________________________

    THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
    By Dennis Rodman
    _________________________________
    THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
    By Al Gore & John Kerry
    _____________________________________
    GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
    By Amelia Earhart
    ____________________________________

    HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
    By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
    __________________________________
    TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
    By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
    __________________
    GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
    By Mike Tyson
    __________________________________
    THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

    _______________________________________
    MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
    By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
    _________________________________________

    HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
    By Ted Kennedy
    _________

    MY BOOK OF MORALS
    By Bill Clinton
    With introduction by
    The Rev. Jesse Jackson
    and foreward by
    Tiger Woods with John Edwards
    __________________________________________________ _
    NEW!!!!!
    My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
    By Nancy Pelosi
    __________________________________________________ ______
    And the shortest book of them all.......................
    THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
    by Barack Obama
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  3. #63 A Kind Hearted Scotsman 
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    My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

    "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

    Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

    So we walked past it again.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  4. #64  
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    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure..'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it..'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

    'Where's my toast ?'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  5. #65  
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    An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  6. #66  
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    Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  7. #67  
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    A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

    'Because she can still drive!'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  8. #68  
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    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It costme four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

    'Twelve thirty...'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  9. #69  
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    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  10. #70  
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    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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