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  1. #1 Inspired by Rock 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    A minister went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule
    in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any
    foul play, the police referred the minister to the Health Department. They explained,
    "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When
    the minister called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation
    Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the
    mayor." The minister was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very
    bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but,
    eventually, he called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the minister.
    The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the minister,
    the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the
    dead?" The minister paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his
    response. The Lord led him to the words he was seeking, "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my
    job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"


    There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by
    their boss to put the mule in the barn.

    When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mule's ears were to
    long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided
    to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk
    right on in the barn.

    They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were
    sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mule's ears were too long to
    go into the barn, the boss said:

    "Why don't you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the
    mule could walk on in"

    The two half smarts looked at each other and said "We told you his "ears" are too
    long, not his feet !


    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
    demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to
    his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

    To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering
    unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and
    kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted
    folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper
    something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

    Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his
    head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later
    asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod
    my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I
    would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'


    A Georgia farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions
    left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest
    one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of
    dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

    Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the
    matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or
    nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or
    two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched
    up his mule and drove home.


    A car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the
    farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said the stranger,
    "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to see him work?" The
    strangers said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule
    suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule
    and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule
    points...the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've
    got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you $50,000.00 for
    him", said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold
    him. The next night, the farmer's phone rang...it was the stranger. "What the heck's
    wrong with this darned mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is
    stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told
    you......he'd rather fish than hunt."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  2. #2  
    PORCUS MAXIMUS Rockntractor's Avatar
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    How is obama working out for you?
    http://i686.photobucket.com/albums/vv230/upyourstruly/5d569df9-186a-477b-a665-3ea8a8b9b655_zpse9003e54.jpg
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