Scene 1: Interior, a major US airport. A spectacular blond traveler is talking to a dumpy, slightly balding, middle-aged TSA Screener. The Screener turns to the camera.
You know, a few years ago, if I'd tried to talk to a hottie like this, she'd have thrown her drink in my face and walked away laughing. Let's face it, I'm not much to look at, I barely made it through high school. College? Get real. And the military makes you get up way too early. I was looking at counter work at Kinko's or flipping burgers for the rest of my life. But then, a buddy of mine turned me on to the Transportation Safety Administration.
Glances over his shoulder at the blond traveler, who is looking at her watch and getting impatient.
They gave me a test that a five-year-old could have passed, and the training? Man, Helen Keller could find more stuff than we do. Now, I can detain first class travelers, keep them waiting, grope the better looking ones, and even save images of them from the scanner. You know, the kinds of people that used to look down their noses at me when they were pulling down A's and B's while I was getting stoned behind the gym. I can take out every frustration that I ever had, and you can too.
Text: 1-800-GROPING appears on screen. Behind Screener, two teenaged TSA screeners, Beevis and Butthead, begin to pat down the blond traveler, who stands there and takes it.
Just call the number on the screen, and you can put your hands over anybody that passes through your station. That's 1-800-476-7464, or if you can't remember that, just dial 1-800-GROPING.
Scene 2: Close on Screener as blond is dragged off behind him. He raises his hands into frame to show that he is snapping a rubber glove on:
TSA: It's not just a job, it's a filthy job. The filthiest job that you'll ever love.
Winks to camera
It's party time.
Scene 3: Screener follows Beavis and Butthead as they drag the blond traveler to a curtained screening area. Fade to black.