I had an epiphany today while listening to Rush Limbaugh and thinking about the trouble that he'd gotten into over the Sandra Fluke debacle. If we accept Ms. Fluke's claims at face value, that she has spent over $3,000 over three years on birth control, and that she is not promiscuous, then there are certain implications of this that need to be addressed. First, the economics: As I wrote elsewhere, law school takes three years, so we're looking at about $1,000 per year for birth control. Wal-Mart advertises Trojan Ultra Thin Lubricated Condoms, 36 ct for $11.33, or roughly 31 cents apiece. Her $3,000 figure would buy 3,228 condoms per year over three years, or 8.8 condoms per day. If we round down to eight condoms per day, that's still eight heterosexual acts of intercourse per day, every day, for three years. Now, this may also include other acts for which a barrier is necessary, but it's still eight sexual experiences per day, with a man (two women wouldn't need a condom).

If we also accept Fluke's denial of promiscuity, then she is clearly in a committed relationship with one man, and if the numbers above are accurate, then what a man he is.

Think about the man who can achieve eight sexual encounters per day, with the same woman, for three years running. This man is passionate about Ms. Fluke, extremely dedicated to her, and has the kind of stamina usually associated with being born on a planet that orbits a red sun (Krypton, for example). This forgotten man should be honored for his prodigious strengths, for never failing to rise to the occasion, for epitomizing the values for which we have previously memorialized our greatest men (and whose resemblance to the Washington Monument is clearly more than metaphorical).

I call upon this man, this giant, to come forward (he's clearly capable of doing so repeatedly) and share his secrets with the rest of us. He owes it to us to raise us up to his standard. If he does not come forward of his own volition (or, if after three years of eight daily romps, he simply cannot come forward once more), then Ms. Fluke should provide us with his name and the details of his physical regimen and diet. I, for one, would be willing to cover the costs of any woman's birth control in return for that secret, as I think any of us would.