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  1. #1 More Fun 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    THINGS CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY:

    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
    Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot..
    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .......
    "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #2  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    In church on Sunday, I overheard the little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer.

    It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

    Dear Lord,
    These past couple of years have been tough.... You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite cowboy James Arness, my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite salesman Billy Mays.

    I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #3  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building. "That's where I went to school when I was your age."


    "Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender back then?"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #4  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Speaking of bartenders (and waiters) have heard 'em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink.

    "Nah, I better not have one," said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. "I have the world's worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I'd leave my own chalk outline."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  5. #5  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Ernest was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

    "You've got to be kidding," Ernest replied in astonishment. "People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

    "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?' "
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

  6. #6  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The phone by my hospital bedside was driving me crazy. Every hour or so it would ring. Because I was recovering from hip surgery, I couldn't reach it. Around midnight, it started ringing again. I noticed the light was on behind one curtain in my four-bed ward. "Excuse me," I called out. "Are you ambulatory?"

    "No," the answer came back. "I'm Martinez."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

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