Thread: More Fun

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  1. #31  
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    A guy goes to the doctor feeling really bad and the doc runs a bunch of tests and calls the guy in and tells him he has bad news. The tests showed he was HIV positive, Aids, Tuburculosis, Cancer of the lungs, Yellow Fever, West Nile Virus, and a Flesh Eating Disease.

    The guy is very depressed and says “What are we gonna do about it dock?”

    The doc says “First we are gonna put you in isolation and on a strict diet of pancakes and flounder.”

    The guy responds “Pancakes and Flounder…….will that cure me doc?”

    The doctor says ………”No, that’s the only foods we can shove under the door.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  2. #32 A Blonde In Church 
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    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

    No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
    falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

    Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

    Give me an Amen Brother!!!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  3. #33  
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    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


    (scroll down)











    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  4. #34  
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    CAR KEYS

    Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

    I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

    A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

    Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

    My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

    My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

    His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

    His theory was right.

    The parking lot was empty.

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

    "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."


    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!


    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."


    He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  5. #35  
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    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
    I said to her, "Nice legs."
    The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
    I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

    ************************************************** ***************************************

    "Jesus loves you."
    A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison..

    ************************************************** ***************************************

    I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  6. #36  
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    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

    'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.


    No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

    'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

    'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

    The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  7. #37  
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    My wife and I went to the Salmon Arm 4H Agricultural Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
    Mary playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
    She gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
    She was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  8. #38  
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    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. then he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  9. #39  
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    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

    Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

    15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

    16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

    19. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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  10. #40  
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    A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:


    Bump...




    BUMP...




    BUMP...





    Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




    BUMP...





    BUMP...





    BUMP...






    Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





    FASTER...





    FASTER...






    BUMP...






    BUMP...




    BUMP...




    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.







    However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping








    clappity-BUMP...




    clappity-BUMP...






    clappity-BUMP...





    on his heels, the terrified man runs.





    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



    With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









    Bumping and clapping toward him.





    The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!








    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...








    and,








    (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)







    The coffin stops
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
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