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  1. #41  
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    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

    I have two female parrots,

    But they only know to say one thing'

    'What do they say?' the priest asked.

    They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

    'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

    Then he thought for a moment......

    'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

    Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

    My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
    And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

    'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

    The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
    She saw that his two male parrots
    were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

    Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

    After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

    Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

    There was stunned silence...

    The one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

    'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #42  
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    An Old Farmer's Advice

    Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

    Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

    Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

    A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

    Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.

    Meanness don't just happen overnight.

    Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

    Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

    It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge..

    You cannot unsay a cruel word.

    Every path has a few puddles.

    When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

    The best sermons are lived, not preached.

    Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

    Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

    Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

    Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

    Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

    Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

    Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

    The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

    Always drink upstream from the herd.

    Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

    Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

    Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

    Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #43  
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    Only in This Crazy World:
    Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Do banks leave vault doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters..

    Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten, and buns in packages of eight..

    Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.





    EVER WONDER WHY:
    ...

    The sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    You don't ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

    'Abbreviated' is such a long word?

    Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

    Lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    The man who invests all your money is called a broker?

    The time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

    There isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

    Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

    They sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    If that indestructible black box is used on airplanes that they don't make the whole plane out of that stuff?

    Sheep don't shrink when it rains?

    They are called Apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If Con is the opposite of Pro, that Congress can't make progress?

    If flying is so safe, they call the airport the terminal?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #44 Honesty 
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    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now............
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #45 the weeks collextion 
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    Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

    Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

    To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    If My Body Was a Car!

    If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... But that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus
    and it's especially hard to see things up close

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it,

    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter

    Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

    -----------------------------------

    The Veterinarian

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

    It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

    This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

    "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this?

    How much does he send you?"

    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

    'How much' !!!!!! the pastor asked wondering if he had misheard.

    The elderly woman answered again.....a "$10,000 a week."

    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

    ---------------------------------------

    PROBABLY TRUE..........

    Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one
    compound and never left the house for 5 years.

    It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

    -----------------------------

    A Wonderful Compilation of Essential Truths:

    If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

    The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

    We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

    If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

    Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

    When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

    Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

    Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

    Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

    I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

    A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

    I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

    Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

    There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is 'open season' on senators. ~ Will Rogers

    ----------------------------------------------

    I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

    Frogs are good bass bait.


    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

    A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

    ----------------------------------

    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
    The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

    As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

    'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash That was what probably was making her sick.'

    'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she
    just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

    'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should
    cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

    As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

    'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #46 Why I still buy the newspaper 
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    DIANA WAS STILL ALIVE HOURS BEFORE SHE DIED!

    Missippi's literacy program shows improvement.

    Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.

    Illiteracy an obstable, study finds.

    Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says.

    Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off
    significantly after age 25.

    Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.

    Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee.

    Homicide victims rarely talk to police.

    17 REMAIN DEAD IN MORGUE SHOOTING SPREE!

    Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-
    pound ball on his head.

    Bridges help people cross rivers.

    City unsure why the sewer smells.

    Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances.

    Meeting on open meetings is closed.

    Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney.

    Puerto Rican teen named
    mistress of the universe.

    Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.

    Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf.

    Hospitals resort to hiring doctors.
    (PHYSICIAN SHORTAGE PROMPTING MOVE, ADMINISTRATORS SAY.)

    Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem.

    Parents keep kids home to protest school closure.

    Rally against apathy draws small crowd.

    The bra celebrates a pair of
    historic milestones this year.

    Total Lunar Eclipse will be broadcast live
    on Northwoods Public Radio.

    Miracle cure kills fifth patient.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #47  
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    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
    themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender
    ('la computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;



    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
    later retrieval; and



    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.





    (THIS GETS BETTER!)


    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'),
    because:


    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.


    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.


    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #48  
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    A young cowboy from Wyoming went off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
    He calls home.


    "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will
    teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"


    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


    "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."


    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.


    About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


    "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.


    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have
    started to teach the animals how to read!"


    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"


    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."


    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk,
    nor read.


    So he shoots the dog.


    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something
    and talk!"


    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
    kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.


    Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the road?"


    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"


    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #49  
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    A man in Tucson calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,
    "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
    "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls Tucson immediately, and screams at her father,
    "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
    "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #50  
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    A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: "Long time since I've seen you,
    man, you look terrible."

    The pirate says: "I feel fine."

    The bartender says: "Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I saw you."

    "Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I'm ok."

    "Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says: "Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."

    The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?"

    The pirate replies: "Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them crapped in my eye."

    The bartender says: "How did that make you lose your eye?"

    The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the hook."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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