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  1. #51  
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    Bad Parrot


    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
    John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

    "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #52  
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    HAROLD MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!



    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
    After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



    Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,'
    said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'



    The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
    Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


    Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
    One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.
    'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



    Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #53  
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    The Cowboy Boots

    (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)


    Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?


    He asked for help and she could see why...


    Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.


    She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..


    He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'


    She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'


    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.


    Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'


    He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'


    She will be eligible for parole in three years.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #54  
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    “ JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"

    I hope you get a smile out of this one.
    (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)
    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
    The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
    The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
    and danced a jig out the door.
    Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
    The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #55  
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    A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
    can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for
    only $20.00."
    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the
    only person around?
    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
    He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
    She paid it and left without saying a word.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #56  
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    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS



    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
    Seattle , WA

    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
    After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
    Corvallis , OR

    I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
    Detroit ,

    A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that
    the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . . 'Keep off the grass.'
    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

    Submitted by RN no name.

    AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female
    pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
    She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
    'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .'

    Dr. wouldn’t ' submit his name....


    JUST ONE MORE . . .
    Baby's First Doctor Visit

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. . . 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

    'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma', but I'm glad I came!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #57  
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    Walking Eagle



    President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York.

    He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

    Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

    At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

    The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

    A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

    They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #58 Amazing human body 
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    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

    The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women

    will be finished reading this by now.

    Men

    are still busy checking their thumbs.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #59  
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    Acts 2:38

    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
    'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #60  
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    Little Johnnie 's neighbor had a Baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the Baby.
    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why, Thank you, Johnnie' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

    'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

    'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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