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  1. #1 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Marriage (Part I)

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said:"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

    (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

    ************************************************
    Marriage (Part II)


    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

    The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)


    *****************************************
    Marriage (Part III)


    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)


    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

    (You Go Girl!)

    *****************************************
    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #2  
    Senior Member Bailey's Avatar
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    Is it me or do you detect a hint of male bashing?
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  3. #3  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    self defensive behavior. we dare not accuse the better half (how long has that term been accepted?) of 'wearing the pants'.

    OTOH there are many couples just like me & her. I worked for 50 years, many of them on 24 hour call, while she stayed home and raised the kids (quite well I might add). When the opportunity arose she returned to college and subsequently earned a BA and MA in English, got her teaching cert, held a real estate brokers lic and was the 'outstanding teacher' in that pre-penitentiary system she retired from.
    Now-a-days we share the homework, me doing most of the outside, us splitting the inside. I cook occasionally - the master of the microwave. We travel a little and enjoy the relaxed new environment where neither has to worry about the next dollar, shopping for school or when the neighbors kids are coming over to play.

    But we always laugh, say "I love you" and support one another.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #4 And that's when the fight started... 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________


    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _______________________________


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible"

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    ______________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #5  
    Senior Member Gina's Avatar
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    I'm lol!

    Love is a dream, marriage is the alarm clock.
    Good men sleep peaceably in their beds at night because
    rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.



    Real superheroes don't wear capes. They wear dog tags.
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  6. #6  
    CU Royalty JB's Avatar
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    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
    Whoa. Not cool.
    Be Not Afraid.
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