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  1. #1 The Punny thread 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Earthquake in Washington, D.C. its obviously the government's fault .

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
    Quote Originally Posted by Carol
    When I judge someone's integrity one key thing I look at is - How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't agree with or does not like?
    I can respect someone who I do not agree with, but I have NO respect for someone who puts others down in a public forum. That is the hallmark of someone who has no integrity, and cannot be trusted.
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  2. #2  
    Senior Member Zeus's Avatar
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    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

    A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
    The 21st century. The age of Smart phones and Stupid people.

    It is said that branches draw their life from the vine. Each is separate yet all are one as they share one life giving stem . The Bible tells us we are called to a similar union in life, our lives with the life of God. We are incorporated into him; made sharers in his life. Apart from this union we can do nothing.
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  3. #3  
    PORCUS MAXIMUS Rockntractor's Avatar
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    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they soon got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

    21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
    stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26. A person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. However, no pun in ten did.
    The difference between pigs and people is that when they tell you you're cured it isn't a good thing.
    http://i.imgur.com/FHvkMSE.jpg
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  4. #4  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


    Then there was the 500 pound fortune teller.....

    She was an extra large medium.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
    Quote Originally Posted by Carol
    When I judge someone's integrity one key thing I look at is - How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't agree with or does not like?
    I can respect someone who I do not agree with, but I have NO respect for someone who puts others down in a public forum. That is the hallmark of someone who has no integrity, and cannot be trusted.
    Reply With Quote  
     

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