Just because it's beginning to look a lot like Kwanzaa.
How the Grinch Made Kwanzaa
In the hood
Liked Christmas a lot...
But a prof named Karenga
The prof hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he hated the lighthearted larks
It could be, that it kept Whos from following Marx.
But I think that the Holiday glow that's endemic
Was too much good cheer for a shrill academic.
Whatever the reason,
His feelings or facts,
He stood there and seethed about Christmas and blacks,
Staring down from from his seat in the faculty lounge,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, and he paced in the faculty lounge,
"I MUST find a way to stop Christmas downtown!"
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Prof Laughed as he went on his way.
And he made up a totally fake holiday.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great highbrow scam!
"I'll replace every tree with some corn and a yam!"
"All I need is a flag..."
Set in Red, Black and Green.
And a plan to make out like it's Africa's scene.
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
Full of candles and corn
And he thought of the blacks.
Then he made up some words."
Like "ujima" or "muhindi,"
From a language that nobody spoke
in the vicinity.
Then he slid down the chimney. And took quite a chance.
For a guy fattened up by his faculty grants.
He got stuck only once, for it got a bit sticky.
In a fireplace flue with a flowing dashiki.
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
I-Pods! And Playstations! Clothes not yet worn!
He replaced them with candles, and textiles and corn!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the Who-chitlin's! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox, he couldn't be quicker.
Why, that prof even took their last can of malt liquor!
Then he rode through the night to the faculty lounge,
Where he told his TAs all about what went down.
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he said with a sneer.
"They're finding out now that Kwanzaa is here!
"They're just waking up! it's all part of my plan!
"Then the Whos down in Who-ville will take on the man!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Prof,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Pof put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Had left all the Kwanzaa crap and gone to the mall!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And what happened then...?
Well...on campus they say
That the Prof's tiny brain
blew a gasket that day!
And after the break, when he taught his next class,
The Whos jacked him up,
and they all kicked his ass.
The Night Before Kwanzaa
T'was the night before Kwanzaa
and all through the hood.
not a homie be stirrin'
and that was all good.
The kiddies was hiding
under they's beds,
in hopes that the drive by
be missin' their heads.
I messed with no candles
or fake ears of corn,
I was settlin' down
with some internet porn,
when out on the fire escape,
I heard a noise,
so I grabbed my AK
and called up my boyz.
The fire escape rattled
like a cage with a monkey,
I figured a burglar,
or some hopped up junkie,
But outside the window,
instead of my buddies,
was a college professor
of African Studies.
"Yo, yo, you" said the prof
as he climbed in the room.
"Get yo ass of that couch,
we got business to be doin'."
I said, "Yo, get yo ass out of here,
Don't you take me for some ignorant sucka!"
"I know that your holiday's
made up and so,
I'm heaving your ass
back out into the snow."
"But, homes," said the prof,
who was white as white bread,
"I'm here with a holiday
message to spread."
"So chillax, my man,
and be mellow and nice."
and I'll lay down a rap
that will make you think twice."
but before he could spin,
I said, "Yo, Vanilla Ice!
Don't be playing this bull
with a fake holiday.
You treat us as if
we were born yesterday.
This crap is just made up
and on lies it's built,
'cause you want to assuage
your white liberal guilt."
So get your ass out,
'fore I blow it away,
and if you are smart,
on the campus you'll stay."
Then I busted some caps,
and he ran through the night,
"Merry Christmas, you fool!
and stay out of my sight!"