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  1. #1 HOLY HUMOR 
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    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

    The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

    The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

    "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

    He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #2  
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    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
    She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, I think I'd throw up.."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #3  
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    DID NOAH FISH?


    A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
    "No," replied Johnny.
    "How could he, with just two worms."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #4  
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    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

    Little Rick was excited about the task –but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

    After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

    On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #5  
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    The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

    One day, she asked him why.

    "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

    "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

    "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  6. #6  
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    A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.

    What does she say?"

    The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  7. #7  
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    When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
    For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

    This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.

    My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,

    "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

    Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  8. #8  
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    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

    When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

    "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

    "I don't need to," the boy replied.

    "Of course, you do "his mother insisted.

    "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

    "That's at our house." Johnny explained. But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  9. #9  
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    Dying Priest's Last Request.........

    In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response.

    Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.

    As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
    Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face..

    Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

    "Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

    The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  10. #10  
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    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

    Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

    It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
    Reply With Quote  
     

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